Swedish Adventures: days 5-7

Wow! I didn't realize I had been vacation for a whole week until I wrote out the title of this post. It has been an incredible week! 

Wednesday consisted entirely of driving through Sweden. Beautiful country. We started the day in Stockholm and ended in Kiruna, the north-most major city in Sweden.  We even crossed the largest suspension bridge in Sweden.

Our primary goal in Kiruna is to see the midnight sun. From late May to mid-July, the sun doesn't set in Kiruna. I'm obviously catching the tail-end of this event. We stayed up last night hoping to see the sun not-set, but the clouds refused to budge. We are making one last attempt tonight, praying that the sky might remain clear. Tonight is our last shot (it's supposed to rain all weekend) so I'm really hopin for clear skies.

Even without them, Kiruna has been fun to visit. We saw the Kiruna church, a beautiful traditional-style building built in the early 1900s.  We took a short trip out of Kiruna visit a Sami museum and learn about the native Sami people who live here and herd reindeer. I even had a chance to let a reindeer eat out of my hand.

After seeing the reindeer, we returned to Kiruna to enjoy a dinner of local cuisine: reindeer, moose, and wild boar.  The reindeer was probably the most tender "steak" I have ever had an opportunity to eat. We finished the meal off with ice cream and warm cloudberries- which have a texture much like raspberries, but tastes like peaches when cooked into peach cobbler. I am happy.

It is almost 10 pm locally. The sky is mostly clear...with a patch of clouds taunting me right by the sun.  Fortunately, the sun will move further north in the next two hours. This is one of the most interesting aspects of Kiruna. The sun appears to be an hour from setting just north of due west around 8 pm. It then moves almost horizontal for the next 4 hours, slowly dipping closer and closer to the horizon.  Though I didn't see the sun last night, the sky appeared much as a normal sunset would- then began to grow steadily brighter as the sun began a slow climb back up and south. Hopefully- I will get some good pictures tonight to show everyone. 

Suspension bridge

The van in which we are experiencing this epic road trip

The steeple of the Kiruna church.

Beer and Dreams

I don't drink alcohol, and as I result, I've never tried beer or wine or any other alcoholic beverage.  I've never had much of a desire to even try beer- in the few times I've been aroubd it, the smell has been enough to squash all curiosity...but Sweden has beer-flavored soda which I was informed "had to be tried as part of the Swedish cultural experience." I was satisfied to discover that it tastes much like it smells and I have even less desire now to ever try real beer.

The champagne-flavored soda, on the other hand, was incredible! Almost the taste of a Martinelli but with 12 times the carbonation. 

After being exposed to a little of the "Swedish experience", we headed off to bed.  I was exhausted at this point. My flight left at 5:30 Monday evening and arrived at noon on Tuesday; unfortunately, I had not slept much on the plane. So- my head hit the pillow around 9:30 and I was probably unconscious by 9:31.

In the past month or so- I actually haven't dreamt much.  My day was often emotionally taxing enough that my mind just shut down all together once I fell asleep.  Previously, when I did dream, I always knew they were dreams from their sheer absurdity- like traveling to the moon by being launched from a circus cannon or riding the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disneyland in an inner tube. Today's dream started absurd, but after driving home in my English-style hover-car, I walked into my parents kitchen and helped my ex-fiancé and my mother make dinner.  It was so normal. There were dirty dishes and missing cabinet doors and we couldn't find the worcestershire sauce in the fridge. We laughed and talked and just sat around acting like a family.  It felt so real.

Then I woke up and he wasn't there and it was 3:30 in the morning and the sun was rising...it was too much for my brain to handle at once. After a vain attempt to fall back asleep, I sit here- my body saying "sun's coming up, let's get up too" while my brain responds "it's 4 am, go back to bed; you're going to regret this in a few hours."

View from my room at 3:30 AM

Swedish adventures: day 3&4

Well- I made it to Stockholm! The 10 hour flight really wasn't that bad. I even got a bit of sleep (and a lot of cross stitching...).  I arrived just after noon (local time) and we've been taking the full tour to get back to the house which has given me a chance to see a lot of Stockholm. It's beautiful! I've included a few pictures here of what I've seen so far.

Photos from the Zoo

 

Swedish Adventures: Day 1

Admittedly, today's adventures were not very Swedish. But the vacation has officially begun! I flew out to California last night so that I might first spend a weekend with my brother and his family in their new home.

My flight arrived around 12:30 last night. My brother picked me up and brought me to their house and I headed off to sleep pretty soon after. I then woke up just before 8 because the sun was up and my nephew was awake so why stay asleep.

The morning began with the grand tour of the house and breakfast. Next, we played around with my brother's virtual reality headset.  This was followed by a long walk trying to shake off the lingering motion sickness.

The afternoon was spent at the zoo.  We had so much fun. My nephew is getting Old enough to notice and find interest in the animals.  My favorite was the fruit bats in which he repeatedly waved and said "hi", waiting for a response. (He didn't do this with any other animal- just the bats). Just outside the zoo is a park designed to look like animals: elephant slide, turtle to climb, etc.  It's a rare opportunity to take a picture of you nephew crawling in a hippos mouth. Pictures to come- as soon as I can figure out how to do so from my phone...

Bipolar

To my knowledge, I am not actually bipolar.  But I once had a friend who was and, based on his description, this past week has given me the tiniest taste of what it might be like.

I decided last week that I'm going to Sweden.  I have friends who currently live there and invite me out to visit every time we talk.  It was time to take them up on the offer and get out of town for a bit.  The idea bounced around in my head for a week or two when a sudden, firm decision was made on Friday.  By that evening, I had flights picked out.  By the following Tuesday, I got the needed dates off work and had tickets.  My first flight is in less than two weeks.  A little spur of the moment, but I am soooooooo excited.

My days are interspersed with euphoria as the trip is planned.  After booking the flights, I was too giddy to even sit down for nearly an hour.  Friends ask me if I'm doing anything fun this summer and energy pours out of me as I explain the road trip to Kiruna to see the sun at midnight and the drive along the coast of Norway as we take the long way home.

In addition to going to Sweden, my family came out to visit last week.  Many of them were unable to cancel plane tickets intended for a wedding, so we had a sudo-family reunion.  The week was filled with zip-lining, caves, soap making, and way too much ice-cream.

But all the energy, all the joy and euphoria, couldn't make me forget what was supposed to happen this week but didn't.  I'd ride the waves when they came and then crash into a rocky coast line as I remembered that I could have been on my honeymoon instead of writing this.  I might have been at my reception instead of in an escape room.  I oscillate between the moment and the 'could-have-been'.  Honestly, I feel a little torn apart by the extremes.

I know God blessed me with reasons to be happy this week because He knew the sorrow that could not be avoided.  I am grateful for it...most of the time.  But I also empathize with River, from the TV show Firefly, as she describes her recovery to her brother: "The sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears.  I ate the bits, the bits that stay down and I work.  I function like I'm a girl.  I hate it because I know it'll go away! The sun grows dark and chaos has come again.  It's...fluids.  What am I?"

That question comes back to haunt me.  What am I?  Sometimes I know and the knowledge is so firm and I feel so strong and I believe I'm recovering.  Then the knowledge fades like the sun behind clouds.  I lose my footing and the scars reopen.  I wish I saw the sun as often as I pretend I do.

But I'm going to Sweden! And I'll be able to see the sun all night long.

I am...

As mentioned several weeks ago, I recently lost everything that I once thought I was.  My self-image was suddenly filled with the phrase "I am not".

I am not his fiance.
I am not getting married.
I am not hungry.
I am not able to sleep.
I am not wanted...

For a short time, I let the "I am not's" define me.

In Avengers: Age of Ultron, a new android-like hero named Vision is created.  As the other Avengers question him, Vision responds, "I am not Ultron. I am not Jarvis.  I am...I am."

For a brief period of time, Vision was also defined by what he was not.  Then, he learned a lesson that I am still trying to wrap my head around.  When all you know is what you are not, be content with knowing simply that you are.  Don't worry about 'what' you are, just know that you are.  You exist, you are not anything else and nothing else is you.  And that's pretty cool.

I am and I get to decide what I am, so here are a few things that I have decided I am (or will become, where applicable).


I am healthy.  Presently, I am probably malnourished and definitely sleep deprived, but these are temporary states, and I am going to overcome them.  However, I am not in the hospital, I am not terminally ill, and though I am sad, I am not clinically depressed.  I am healthy.  I am grateful for my health and will begin working harder to maintain my health.

I am a runner.  I began running infrequently a few months ago and have discovered that running helps me process stress and refocus on what matters most.  I haven't run in a few weeks now, figured this was a smart choice in light of being malnourished and sleep deprived, but it is time to start again.  I am motivating myself by running the "Freedom Run" 10K on July 4th and signing up for a half-marathon probably sometime in October (haven't decided which yet).  I'd love to have some running buddies if you are interested in joining me for either.

I am artistic.  I totally can't draw or paint or anything, but I love to color, cross-stitch, sew, and make cards.  I can create beautiful things.

I am musical.  This is a hobby which I have let slip the past year, but I really love music.  This is another way which I can create something beautiful - just not a visual sort of beauty.

I am a writer.  Writing is one way I stay mentally healthy, so I am going to make sure to dedicate more time to it.  I can take the world around me and make it beautiful through writing.  I learn how to see things differently when I write.  Often times, I sit down to write on my blog and I'm crying and overemotional and miserable, but as I string together words, I calm down and remember what I am.

I am an astronomer - 'nuff said.

And finally - I am a daughter of God.  No one can take this truth from me.  I am loved by Him, even on the days I feel forgotten.  He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to complete the atonement and gain perfect empathy for me.  He cannot and will not forget me.