Europe Trip: day 10 (#36 and maybe #37)

Yesterday (day 10) was a unique and stand-alone experience from the rest of the trip. Instead of strapping on the tennis shoes and taking the metro system around the current town, we spent the whole day on a tour/trip into the Swiss Alps. Milan is fairly close to the Swiss boarder, but now super close. So the day began with waking up earlier than any of us really wanted and rushing off to the tourist center to board our bus. With a quick intro from our tour guide, the doors closed and we headed toward the Switzerland boarder. 

Of course, there was a lot to see before we actually reached Switzerland. The day began with a 3 hour bus ride, filled with incredible views, quaint towns, and hillsides covered with vineyards. I can only imagine how beautiful the hillsides will be when they are filled with vines and grapes in the summer. The bus tour ended in Tirano, Italy, where we had time to grab lunch and briefly explore the town before meeting back up with the tour group and boarding a train destined for the alps. 

The train quickly pulled out of Italy and into Switzerland. In the two-and-a-half hour ride, we passed many lakes, traversed up and across numerous mountains, and transitioned from a world in which our light sweaters created too much heat to one which had been frozen for a long time and would continue to be frozen for a while still. I love the mountains and felt so blessed to have the chance to travel up into them. It was a perfect opportunity to find a world which still lived slowly, where the only noise was the train passing through town and the wind through the trees. Seeing those places was my miracle for today. Attached here is a little snippet of what the ride was like (hopefully it works for you, it works on my computer. It will be miracle #37 if it does).

Our train ride ended in St. Moritz, a small, cold, tourist town. Actually, considering the quantity of snow surrounding us and the very solidly frozen nature of the lake, it really wasn't that cold. We explored the small town, and found ourselves a place to buy hot chocolate. After finishing that, we found a store selling Swiss chocolate and each probably bought more than we reasonably should have. Finally, running out of time and wanting to avoid spending more money, we headed out of the town and took a stroll along the frozen lake, which is not only frozen, but further covered in snow and veined with walking paths which the locals frequent.

We returned to our bus, which met up with us in St. Moritz, to head back down the mountain and eventually return to Milan, tired, but very pleased with our adventures into Switzerland. 

Europe Trip: days 8-9 (#35)

Oh my gosh - I LOVE Italy!!!!! Ok, backing up for a moment, I need to give my last day in Paris it's proper dues and report on it first.

So, Sunday was my last day in Paris. Most of the group who came for the Paris Photo Workshop left in the morning and those of us who were continuing on for the Europe Tour enjoyed a lazy day around Paris. We started off with a slow breakfast, or brunch...which turned into a lunch. We started around 10:30 and didn't finish until 1. Then we attempted to go see the Catacombs, since it's one of those standard Paris things to see and we hadn't had a chance to see it yet. Unfortunately, the line was about 4 hours long and we didn't feel like standing still for quite that long. 

Instead, we took off to see the Luxembourg Palace - or rather - the gardens around the palace. But we found a beautiful fountain in the gardens and you could rent little sail boats to push around the fountain. Each sail boat had a different country's flag and came with a long stick to help you retrieve your sail boat and push it back out into the middle of the fountain. We rented a boat ourselves, but spent a long time just watching the kids play.  The day ended with a wonderful french meal, a train ride out to our hotel for the night, and preparing to fly off first thing in the morning.

On to the part about Italy! I've been here for barely 12 hours and I love the place. I've always found those I Heart Insert City Name Here shirts and bumper stickers and whatever to be kinda silly, but I might actually by myself one of those shirts in regards to Italy. We are staying in this adorable little apartment. The owner is this kind older gentlemen who did his best to explain everything in English and left a table full of Italian snacks for us and little Italian chocolates on each of our beds.

The moment we finished checking in, we headed to the street corner for pizza. There is a good chance we will return there every day. The piece of pizza was about $5 and was bigger than the average dinner plate. 

After letting lunch settle, we headed to the Duomo di Milano, or Milan Cathedral. This cathedral is this incredibly huge, white marble building with some of the more intricate carvings and statuary I have ever seen.

Now - I saw a lot of cathedrals in Paris, and they are all gorgeous, but I happen to own a puzzle of this particular cathedral, and it's this really cool aerial view of the roof. The puzzle took me forever because it was half blue-sky and half white stone statues. Anyways - Do you have any idea how excited I was when I learned we could climb up to the roof. Not only that, but the tickets are good for 3 days, so I can go back if I want to. I was going to take a picture that looked exactly like my puzzle, but they are doing some restoration work, so there is scaffolding over that part of the building. But I got this cool picture instead of the city spread out beneath the cathedral.

Our last event for the day was an Italian cooking class.  It was held at the teachers house in her own kitchen. We began at 6 and finished around 9.  Working with her, we made (and then of course ate) our own 4 course dinner. It began with Tagliatelle Bolognese, then spinach Ravioli, followed by stuffed bell peppers, and all that was topped off with Tiramisu. 

K- I'm totally stuffed, but in heaven. As much from having the chance to cook it all as from having the chance to eat it. We made the pasta, both the tagliatelle (a ribbon like pasta) and the ravioli by hand and I discovered that all I really need is a pasta press and it's a super simple process. I got to make the tiramisu while others in the group prepared the spinach stuffing, bell peppers, and bolognese sauce. Then we sat down and the kind woman who taught us each recipe transferred everything to beautiful serving dishes and brought each course of the meal to the table. Good food, great people, and all of us being way too tired resulted in some priceless memories (I'm counting that as miracle #35). I could be happy staying here forever.

Europe Trip: day 5-7

I have been in Europe for a week. This is my own life and I can hardly believe it. The trip continues to be incredible and I feel so grateful for everything I have had a chance to see.

Day 5 (Thursday, for those of you who are as lost in the days of the week as I am) began with a trip to Versailles. This location has always held a special place in my heart. As a child, the first address I can remember was on the street Rue de Versailles, which was a mess to try and spell as a 6 year old, but sounded really cool. (On an unrelated side note - I saw the Rue de Nicolas Flamel yesterday and had a brief Harry Potter freak out).  Of course, the primary reason to visit Versailles is to see the palace. Despite all the stories and pictures, nothing prepared me to expect how truly extravagant the palace is. There are rooms in that 'house' which took me five minutes to walk from one end to another.

After touring the palace, we had lunch and returned to Paris. I went back to the Arc de Triomphe, this time to climb to the top! This was a view worth paying for. I'm sure other look-out points were pretty cool, but at the top of the Arc, I could see the whole city spread out around me, with the Eiffel Tower close enough to get some really cool pictures.

Afterwards, we wandered into a random restaurant for dinner and ended up in an Indian restaurant. Not exactly what I intended to eat while in France, but the salad I ordered was great.

Friday was a continuation of tourist spots with Sacré-Cœur, which translates to Sacred Heart, and Notre Dame (apparently, it was a day to visit catholic churches, didn't notice this until just now). Sacré-Cœur is this incredible white building which stands on a hill looking out over the city. Unfortunately, the morning was foggy, so we couldn't see most of the city, but after visiting the church, we wandered the streets at the bottom of the hill and conducted some very successful souvenir shopping.

After lunch, we headed to the top of Notre Dame, another activity definitely worth paying for. Admittedly, the view at the top wasn't drastically different from the Arc de Triomphe. The Arc, however, is pretty solidly in the city, while Notre Dame stands on a small island in the river Seine, so it was cool to see the river down on either side of the building. The most exciting part of the climb (which was probably more than 270 steps, but I forgot to count) was getting to see the bells and the gargoyles at the top of Notre Dame.

The vast majority of today consisted of photo shoots with different models. We took the models into the little courtyard outside of the place we are staying and around the Louvre and the (of course) back toward the Eiffel Tower for more pictures there. While at the Eiffel Tower - we saw a guy proposing to his girlfriend and it was the cutest thing ever. Of course, since we are a group of photographers, anyone with their camera out snapped a few pictures and one brave soul even went and offered to take pictures for them (after he was done proposing and the girl had obviously said yes).

Europe Trip: days 2-4 (and #34)

The second day in Europe was spent doing something both very familiar and very new - Disneyland Paris! So much of it felt just like Disneyland, but everything was also different. The Indiana Jones ride is an actual rollercoaster and the Haunted Mansion isn't nearly as scary when you don't understand what everyone is saying. But the highlight of the day was discovering that there was a Mr. Mime nearby (a pokemon - for those who have no idea what I'm talking about - one which can only be found in Europe). So, of course, my cell service was turned on and I caught Mr. Mime.

After exhausting ourselves at Disneyland, and playing a lot of Pokemon Go, we returned to Paris and checked into the Loft which had been rented for the Tour portion of the trip. We are staying in the most adorable little loft with beautiful wooden floors, which are super old and creaky, and the most random arrangement of bedrooms, but I love it.

Oh - and Miracle #34 happened today. It rained most of the time we were at Disneyland, but my feet stayed dry all day!

Day 3 was the day that the rest of the tour group arrived. We spent the majority of the day at the loft greeting people as they showed up in ones and twos. We briefly explored the area around the loft to locate a pastry shop and find something to eat, then again to take pictures and just keep ourselves busy.

Once everyone arrived, McKenzie and Casey, who are leading the Collective, gave their welcoming message and explained the plan for the week ahead of us. After this, we needed to keep the new-comers awake until it was late enough to reasonably go to bed, so we went out to see the Eiffel Tower again. We also bought amazing crepes from this little corner store next to the tower.

Day 4 has by far been the busiest day. We started off with a bus tour to see the city, then transferred to a river tour to see the city from a different angle. The river tour was actually really cool, and the bus tour wasn't half bad, though several individuals in the tour group fell asleep in the semi-comfortable seats. 

We returned to the Eiffel Tower again, but this time to go inside. We had reservations to eat lunch up on the first floor. Absolutely incredible view and equally incredible food. After lunch, there was just enough time to go up to the second floor and take a look around (unfortunately, there was not quite enough time to go all the way to the top - I'll have to go back later this week to do so). 

The afternoon was spent doing a photoshoot with one of our models, followed by the Louvre. I got my 30-seconds with Mona Lisa, saw thousands of incredible paintings and sculptures, and wished briefly that I could just move to Paris and spend the next several months visiting every day. Of course, I'm not an artist and probably would get little out of the experience other than enjoying several months of interesting artwork. 

As the evening approached, we broke into groups to explore different parts of the city.  I headed off with two other girls in the group to visit Angelina's, which had been recommended to another girl as a great place for hot chocolate. That recommendation was a severe understatement. I have never had hot chocolate which was so good and anticipate never finding some as good again. I think they just took a chocolate bar and melted it. We each received a little teacup and saucer and the hot chocolate was delivered in cute little pitchers which we poured ourselves. And the taste - incredible!

We wrapped up our evening by visiting the Arc de Triomphe - the giant arch at the end of Champs Elysee. I took a dozen or so pictures, at this point, on my phone because my camera battery had died. My favorite is included here. I found myself an awesome angle of the arch and the busy street...from right in the middle of it. Don't worry, I was being safe, I was standing in the median and I got there using the cross walk. I'm sure I just looked like a crazy tourist as I intentionally stayed in the median to take pictures instead of continuing to the other side of the street.

Europe Tour: day 1(and #33)

When traveling to Europe - Day 1 is the absurdly long day when you wake up on Saturday and sit on a plane for several hours and get off the plane Sunday afternoon.

Of course, posting this implies that I made it safely to Paris. (Hence - Miracle #33 - arriving safely in Paris).  I met up with my friends without issue and we checked into the hotel we are staying at for the night. Tomorrow night, we transition to a loft we got from AirBnB for the 'photo tour/workshop' part of the trip where several more people will join us.

After checking in, we headed right back out and explored Paris for a little bit. And by explore - I mean we went to the Eiffel Tower, wandered till we found some place for dinner, ate, and came home.  We didn't actually go in the tower, just looked and took pictures. I'll visit it again in a few days as part of the tour.

#29 - Blue Mornings

For those of you who have been following along, you may have noticed I have an aversion to winter. Other miracles I have so far listed included Roses in November (implying winter hasn't started yet), rain (meaning it's not snowing), being warm inside while it was snowing outside, and more flowers which make me feel like it is springtime in my house (these flowers smell incredible).

I am grateful for these many miracles, but they paint a clear image for my distaste to the cold weather.  Today is along these same lines. I go to work at 7 AM, and for the last many months, my drive has been cold and dark...and sometimes snowy. 

After all my wishing for winter to be over, today was a reminder that winter will always end. It doesn't matter how cold and dark it gets. Regardless of how much snow builds up on the ground, winter ends and the world warms up again. 

As I drove to work, the sky was a clear, pre-sunrise blue. My world is being filled with light again, even if it's just for the 10 minutes it takes me to get to work each morning. It's not yet a full, bright sunrise. The clouds are obviously still covered in snow. But the gradual change from winter to summer has begun and I'm starting to see the signs of it. 

Sometimes, the changes in our life are really sudden and unpredictable. I find these super sudden changes are usually the changes that I never wished happened.  In November, I posted about the roses still blooming. Two days later it began to snow.  It was a quick and sudden end to the vain hope that summer, or at least perhaps fall, could last forever. 

Often, the changes in our life are slow and gradual. This is often the recovery from previously mentioned sudden changes. I wish summer came as quickly as winter did, but the snow melts slowly. The light returns gradually. The world warms up again. And then I discover, just as God promised me in Miracle #6, the scars that were covered and numb under the snow have faded.

#28 - Flowers

Flowers are always a miracle. They are bright and vibrant. They make you feel happy. And they help you imagine that maybe it's warm outside.

Receiving flowers as a gift helps me to feel loved. I often feel a little forgotten. But when I am looking at flowers which someone else thought to get me, I know I can't be forgotten. Obviously they were remembering me if they got me flowers!

#23 - #27 Happy Fire Day

Today's miracle post reflects on many miracles that occurred long ago. Miracles that shook and shattered and shaped various parts of my life.  My family calls February 5th "Fire Day". On February 5th, 2007, just over 10 years ago, our house burnt down.

There is a surreal feeling that comes as you stand in front of your own home, watching the sun set, and realizing you don't know where you will be sleeping that night.  Months, and even years, went by where I would find myself looking for something, only to remember we had lost it. And yet - I call my parents every year and wish them a Happy Fire Day, like I would do on a holiday or their birthdays.

I'm a few days late for the actual Fire day - it's been a pretty busy week - but I wanted to share some of the miracles I've been thinking about this week.

#23 - No one was home. We can all play the 'What If' game and wonder what might have happened if someone was home and called the fire department sooner. But that coin has two sides. What if someone had been home, but taking a nap and unaware of the fire which burned through the roof and walls before breaking into the house.  Everyone was safe. The tragedy of losing our stuff was not deepened by the tragedy of losing a family member.

#24 - Part of the surreal feeling of standing in front of half your house as the firemen pack up their trucks to leave is the questions that fill your mind. Where will we sleep? What's for dinner? What am I going to where to school tomorrow? (I was a teenager - sleep, food, and cloths are really important at 17.) But all my questions were answered. Our insurance company paid for a hotel, the Red Cross gave us money to get toiletries and some clothing, and people from church brought us into their homes and fed us. There were answers to all the most concerning questions.

#25 - My family was surrounded by people who realized our needs before we did. One good friend from church called our insurance company and made sure that they were helping us from the very start.  When we arrived to dinner that first night, we were given fleece blankets and notebooks so we would have a place to write down everything we lost (a request from the insurance company). When we checked into a hotel later that evening, the front desk handed us bags of clothing that people had dropped off for us. You learn to love in a different way when your world suddenly opens its arms to hold you up.

#26 - As a family, this experience brought us really close together. I mean, we all slept in the same hotel room for 3 weeks while trying to find a rental. But in addition to that, we lost everything. There was no more Playstation to fight over who got to play. No more Gameboys or iPods to shut out the world with. Just six people in a hotel room, wondering where we would get dinner and if we had any clean clothes left. We had lost all our board games, so we made up games to play. And everyday we got to remember the first miracle I mentioned - of everything lost, we still had each other.

#27 - Things become both very unimportant and very important. I learned, in a very abrupt way, that all the things I own really don't matter. As heart breaking as it was to lose books and clothes and electronics and whatever, basically everything is replaceable. As I discovered how unimportant those things are, other things become more important. Some non-tangible things, like a better relationship with my family, but also some tangible things. They stop being things and instead become memories. Out of the rubble of my room, I was able to save the stuffed bear that I was given as a newborn in the hospital. A family friend dug through my collapsed closet to find a prom dress that I had purchased, but had never had a chance to wear. I still have the Converse that I was wearing that day. A stuffed bear, a dress, and a pair of shoes are now important not because of the things they are, but because of the people and the moment they remind me of.

There are many more miracles which surround that day, I could go on forever. In fact, if you ask me about that day I will go on forever, telling you all the silly details I remember. There are so many days from 10 years ago that came and went and were forgotten. February 5th, for me, is not one of those days. I am really grateful that I can remember all these miracles.

#18 Glitter

In light of being home for the holidays - I've allowed myself to enjoy the day-to-day miracles and the people that I am spending them with instead of writing them all down. But I will try to get to a few. This one is from earlier this month, but I had to wait for the awesome picture before posting it.

Technically, the miracle isn't the glitter itself. The miracle is working at a place with fancy enough parties that you can justify wearing a ton of glitter. The miracle is having a friend who will apply all the glitter for you since you never bothered to figure out this whole 'make-up' thing. The miracle is that the glitter stayed on for the whole evening but still came off my eyelids that night with a good washing. A slight consequence of the miracle was that it took another week to get it all out of my hair.

#13 - 15 Retreat

This past weekend was one huge miracle bundled around a dozen smaller ones. I figured I could justifiably count it as 3 since there were three days and each had a distinct miracle.


On Friday - my friends and I drove up into the mountains to chill and hangout at a fancy cabin/condo thing for our girls retreat. As we began this adventure...I began to feel a little weary. My friends were using this weekend retreat as a chance to take a break from husbands, kids, households. What was I retreating from? The three dirty dishes I left in the sink? But I quickly discovered that, even though I have no children and can't discuss parenting techniques, I can still be there to listen to my friends when they need to talk things through.  Anyways - that wasn't Friday's miracle, just a brief side-story.


Friday's miracle was that we made it to our destination. As we drove up the mountain, the roads became icy and slick. We drove with caution, keeping slow enough that we were in no physical danger, but sometimes, we hit a patch of ice and listened to the tires spin without getting us anywhere. As the rode became steeper and icier, thoughts of a need to call it quits and turn around began to form. Somehow, the tires found traction and we finally reached our retreat destination.


Saturday was snowy. Despite crazy conversations and nail painting and hair braiding and the blizzard outside, there was a calm sense of peace.  I could look out the windows and watch the snow swirl while remaining warm inside with good food and great company. I might not have had anything to retreat from, but I discovered what I was retreating too, and was rejuvenated by the peace which surrounded me.


Sunday's miracle was that it stopped snowing. Everything was covered. But we had shovels and snow plows and nice people who did the shoveling and snowplowing for us.  The cars emerged from the snow and we came down the mountains on clear, dry roads. Sometimes, the miracles make the journey, other times, they are the journey itself.


PS - I reached miracle #15 before the 1 month mark, not too bad.

#3 Ordinary Miracle

I am a firm believer that "Shuffle" proves there is a God. Of all the thousands of songs I have on my playlist that I'm listening to on shuffle, the right one always seems to come up at just the right time.  Today's miracle is one such moment.

I was at work. Things were busy and hectic and I let myself get wrapped in what needed to be done.  Then one of my favorite songs began to play - Ordinary Miracle, from the live action Charlotte's Web (which I haven't actually seen yet, but the song is good).  It had perfect timing, playing at the exact moment when I needed to step back and remember that life is about noticing the ordinary miracles, like my car still working and the roses still blooming.

#1 November Roses, a multi-faceted miracle

There are some miracles that surround us every day, yet we do not take the time to enjoy them.  Roses are one of those miracles.

Today, I consider this miracle to be multi-faceted because it is a miracle on so many different levels and each level has it's own type of miracle and reason to feel gratitude for it.

First - the title miracle.

It is November and the roses are still in full bloom.  The pictures included here are were taken today as I left work. These roses aren't the last few stragglers on plant preparing to shut down for the winter. These are huge, vibrant blooms and they are every where. This means, not only do I get to enjoy roses, but it is warm enough to want to be outside and enjoy roses.  I'm not much of a cold-weather person, so any evidence of warm weather is a miracle to me.

Next - the ability to experience the simple beauty of a rose.

There are roses in this world. They come in hundreds of colors and dozens of sizes. And I have eyes that can see those colors, the gradation from one color to another, and the perfect pattern the rose forms.  I have skin that can feel the soft velvety petals, the dozens and dozens of petals. With my nose, I can smell the perfume they give off. A smell which we have learned to capture and replicate, but never quite matches the warm, sunlight scent of a rose garden.  I have a phone that can capture the image. And who knows - maybe this device once intended for talking will someday capture and convey that smell to you too.


Finally - stop and smell the roses.

These rose bushes are at work. I walk past them almost every day as I leave the office (not quite every day because sometimes I walk out of different doors). After a full day of work, I can put it all down, walk away, and literally stop to smell the roses before returning home. It gives me a moment to think, to relax, to set everything aside and see the miracle of a rose.

They aren't just beautiful. They aren't just blooming into November.  They are blooming when and where I can see them and appreciate them every day. That is such an incredible miracle and witness to me that God knows who I am and cares enough to put roses along my path.

Take the time to smell the roses before winter comes.

You Didn't Win

One of my favorite 'break-up' songs is ABBA's "The Winner Takes it All." If you haven't heard it before - take the time to listen before continuing to read.

It's my favorite for several reasons:

• It is an ABBA song, which is one of very few bands who I can recognize almost all of the songs of.
• I can belt it at the top of my lungs and feel strong and powerful despite being heartbroken.
• I feel like it does a good job of describing how I feel when I'm heartbroken. I played all my cards, I did the best I could, I followed the rules, and somehow I lost everything. You made me feel safe, you promised me the future, but you took it all with you and left me with nothing.

That being said - today, this song is wrong. Because you didn't win.

You and I played a game. A game that I thought was one of those collaborative games, you know - players against the board where we are trying to win together. I thought we were winning...until you revealed the real game.  I never figured out how I was supposed to win, you never explained it to me. But you made it clear how you were trying to win...

...you wanted me to hate you.

We made promises, but you broke them.

We created plans, and then you ripped them to shreds.

You left me stranded to clean up the mess.

You claimed you'd earn my trust again.

You made promises again but didn't even bother to remember what they were.

You lied and kept secrets.

You needed to make me hate you....

...so that you could feel justified in hating yourself.

And it was working for a while.  I was so mad.  Not so much at the lies and broken promises, but because you were gone and you weren't supposed to be. I finally reached level 25 in Pokemon Go and I got a Snorlax, but you weren't there to celebrate with me. I watched the Flash and figured out why Joe's last name matters and had to imagine your reaction. I saw Dr. Strange and didn't have you to discuss it with for hours afterwards.

BUT YOU DIDN'T WIN!

I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you anymore.  I just feel bad because you have missed out on so much.  I have had a blast and even if I wish you were there to share in it with all my heart, why should I hate you when my life is awesome and you aren't here for it.  You didn't take it all.  In time, you won't have taken anything from me.  I have everything I need right now, and someday - I will have it all back.

I still miss you every now and then. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently so that you would have been a part of all those memories. But I'm done playing your game. I'm not going to let you win. Go ahead, hate yourself. I am not going to give you excuses or justifications.

I don't hate you.

You didn't win.

4 for 14- #1 Drive Somewhere New

My boyfriend and I were in an exploratory mood, so we drove out to Midway and wandered around to see what there is to see.  By the time I got home I was a bit to tired to shamelessly take pictures like a tourist, but that part was optional anyways.  I did, however, take pictures of Midway while I was out there.

A little cafe we stopped at for lunch. Incredible Pizza!

We wandered about the antique shops 

and found this cool door.

A memorial to all the veterans in the county.

PS- this is my 200th post! I feel so accomplished

Something for Dad

Today was an opportunity to ponder my father and the many things he has done for me throughout my life.  It was also a great opportunity to think of what I could do to show my appreciation for all that he has done.  While pondering these two things, I recalled a letter I received from him while I was still on my mission.  I would say the letter was so special I decided to keep it forever and blah blah blah... but I kept every letter anyone wrote me, so keeping this one wasn't anything unusual.  Despite this, the letter really did touch me and helped change the way I look at myself.

About the same time as all these thoughts, I decided to pick up my guitar and finish one of the many songs I've been writing.  Instead I started (and somehow managed to finish) a song based on the letter I received from my dad and decided to post it as a Father's Day gift for him.  (I should note, it is very loosely based on this letter, considering I received the letter over a year ago and didn't bring it with me to my internship.) 

Anyways, Happy Father's Day, to my dad and all the wonderful men in my life who have influenced it for the better.  Thank you for the positive influence you are having on the world and on me.

ps- I'm aware I avoided looking at the camera the entire time, it's awkward to be sitting all by yourself knowing you are being filmed and making mistakes and such.

That Could Have Been Yesterday

I am 23 years old.  I'm a little more than half way through college.  I have dreams of being an astronaut, a teacher, a singer, and a mother (I don't intend on being all of those, just various possibilities).  I have goals to become better at running, to learn how to bake, to figure out who my favorite bands are by actually paying attention to who sings my favorite songs, and to become a friendlier person.  I have an ever growing bucket list and a reading list that I will probably never finish no matter how hard I try.  I'm alive.

Idris: I've been looking for a word.  A big, complicated word but so sad. I've found it now.
Doctor: What word?
Idris: Alive.  I'm alive.
Doctor: Alive isn't sad.
Idris: It's sad when it's over.  I'll always be here. But this is when we talked. And now, even that has come to an end.
        (Doctor Who, Season 6, Episode 4)

People tell you that you have all the time in the world.  That's a lie.  You have only till the end of your life.  For me, that could have been yesterday.  I've never thought about it that way before.  "The rest of my life" and "all the time in the world" felt like nearly the same thing.  I believed I had so much time to fill and had made so many plans to fill it.  I'm sure I do still have a lot of time to fill and will probably have the chance to carry out most of the plans I've made.  I've just been made more aware of the fact that I might have run out of time yesterday.  This makes today so much more a blessing.

I crashed yesterday.  I crashed bad.  As the car slide towards the steep drop on one side of the road, I prayed.  There was nothing else I could do.  Somehow, the car changed direction, going off the other side, flipping, and landing on the roof.  I saw dirt, broken glass, and a shattered watermelon.  I crawled out and looked at the car.  Everything inside of me told me that someone in a crash like should be dead, yet there I stood, heart racing, hyperventilating, but unharmed.  A day later, bruises have formed on my knees from crawling out of the car and my neck is a little sore.  I'm still amazed to be alive.

I know God was watching over me yesterday.  He saved my life, possibly so I can fulfill my own plans and more than likely so I can fulfill His plans for me which I don't yet know.  But more important than plans and to-do lists is today.  From this experience, I hope to be able to keep one thing- to wake up every day the same way I woke up today.  As I open my eyes, I hope I remember that my last day could have been yesterday, that today is a special gift from the Lord, and to be sure I live accordingly.

I only have till the end of my life, and that could have been yesterday.  So today will be about friends and family and finding reasons to laugh.  Today is a day for seeing the blessings with which I'm surrounded and being so grateful that I can't stop praying.  I'm not afraid of running out of time, I'm only afraid of not recognizing until I run out that time is a gift that I can give to others to make their time better.

Colors

The past few weeks, I've been a little obsessed with the color throughout the world.  This is one reason I love Spring so much.  Not only does the coldness go away, but the nature bursts into laughter in the form of a million flowers.

I have always been a big fan of looking for those little things in life that make you smile.  Color is one of those things.  A bright green car, radiant flowers, sunlight through leaves, the sky, yellow rain boots, shiny tail-lights, and everything else colorful and alive just makes me want to smile.  These things pop into your eyesight, declaring "I'm not afraid to be seen, I'm not afraid of what I am."


I want to be a more colorful person. By this, I don't mean the style and color of clothing I wear, it's generally pretty colorful on it's own...unless it is one of my many black t-shirts that make some sort of astronomy joke.     I want to be colorful like a flower is colorful.  It's a matter of becoming something that isn't afraid to be seen. A flower knows what it is and is proud of it.  It opens up, admitting it is fragile and imperfect, yet not ashamed of this.

I am unique, bright, fragile, and most certainly imperfect.  I'm completely obsessed with stars and watches.  Sometimes, I'm afraid others might disapprove of my obsession or judge me on my imperfection.  But the world would be very dull if only the most perfect flowers bloomed.  So, as I prepare for a new move and a new job, this is what I shall strive to remember.  There is nothing wrong with being fragile.  I'm allowed to be a little obsessed.  I don't need to be afraid.

Finally April

 It is finally April! I'm so excited.  April is 3 days old and it has already been so much fun.  For starters, I would like to inform the world that I successfully completed the Lazy-Iron-Man.  Throughout the month of March, I swam 2.4 miles, biked 112, and ran 26.2.  I did it... and I got a free t-shirt out of it, as pictured.

I feel very accomplished and much healthier.  I can make it all the way across the pool once without stopping and about half the way back. (If I have fins on I can make it back and forth twice).  I can also bike about 16 miles in an hour on a stationary bike while reading a book.  I have no idea if I've lost weight, I didn't check it before and I don't know what it is now.  I do feel, however, that I am more toned than I was before.  I have had to start using my belt more often... and my swimsuit feels to big, which worries me when I'm swimming fast.  It just always feels like it will slide off my shoulders, but that might just be a result of the swimsuit being really old.  I'll have to get a new one for when I take this class again next semester.  My goal for next semester is to complete the 500 (10 laps) without fins.

Well, that was the end of March.  April started off great! My roommate and I woke up super early to pull April Fools day jokes on friends in the apartment complex.  My favorite was filling up someones care with newspaper.  We also switched out a guys entire wardrobe with girls clothes.  Of course, these two individuals have both declared revenge.  This should make the rest of April pretty exciting.

Life is about laughter and I am so grateful that I have friends who allow such laughter, even mischievous April Fool's Day laughter.

Easter

What is Easter to you?

This year, Easter come rather unexpectedly, especially compared to the past two years.  When I was a missionary, I studied and thought and taught about Christ and his Atonement every day.  Easter was a moment when the rest of the country began discussing the same message we had been sharing so long.  These were special days, days that helped me to recognize Easter and the Resurrection of Christ in deeper way.  If you would like to read those thoughts when I had them, check out the posts Happy Easter April 2011 and Easter April 2012

However, as deep as my understanding of Easter became on my mission, the past few weeks have made Easter personal.  I have known for a long time that Jesus was crucified for us.  He suffered the pain of all sins, trials, heartaches, illnesses... everything.  He died for us and, on Easter Sunday, he overcame death, never to suffer it again.  Because of his sacrifice, we can find help and comfort as we suffer here on earth.  We can be forgiven of sins.  We too can be resurrected, overcoming death and receiving perfected and glorified bodies. This I've always know.

Just over a week ago, my youngest brother had another surgery.  He was born with a clubbed foot, for which he has had many surgeries and has been able to overcome his handicap and do great things.  But his foot began to hurt him again.  This time, there seemed to be no surgery to resolve the pain.  So my youngest brother, braver than I think I could ever have been at that age, made the choice to have his foot amputated.  This was the purpose of his most recent surgery.

Being away at school, spending most days waiting for a phone call, waiting for updates, having little knowledge of what was going on, made this a surprisingly difficult experience.  For these trails, Christ suffered.  Over two-thousand years ago, Christ experienced my fear that something might go wrong and I wouldn't be there to help.  He felt my mother's anxiety as doctors disagreed on the best methods and procedures.  He suffered my brother's pain for this past year as well as the pain he feels now as a result of the surgery.  And in addition to all this, Christ lives, and because he lives, we shall too. My brother shall rise again after this life with glorified and perfected body.  His small, scarred foot shall not be restored to him.  He will be whole, no more pain, no more scars, only two perfect feet.

I have always known and long understood the meaning of Easter.  Now I feel it.

See Something Else

Striving to live and be better has lead me to an unexpected epiphany.  In order to know that I've changed, I need to change what I see when I look at myself.  Who and what I become doesn't matter much if I still insist on seeing the awkward middle-school-er, or the shy high-school-er, or the invisible college freshman.  I need to let myself see reality, not just for all my flaws, but for everything good in me too.

This epiphany was even more unexpected in how it came to me.  Most often, thoughts come to me as thoughts- you know, words and such, when I'm intentionally thinking about it and trying to find a solution.  This thought came to me as a song.  It started when a friend taught me a new chord on the guitar, for which my mind supplied words and a melody.  Those words remained stuck in my head till they were properly placed in the song to which they belonged.  So, I kinda wrote a song, but I feel more like the song just pestered me till I "discovered" it completely.  With much urging from roommates, I agreed to play my song at the ward talent show last night.  I almost backed out about a dozen times, then I decided I would just play a different song, then I realized that I hadn't been practicing anything else because this one song wouldn't leave me alone.  I was told I wasn't allowed to back out because my name was on the program, and so...

I finally titled it "See Something Else."  I'm not sure how much I like the title, I might change it.  It is a song of self-confidence.  It is the lies that I told myself for so long and the reality I'm finally starting to see.  It is a little bit of me.  So- I guess I'll let you listen to it now. Oh- and you can ignore the first 30 seconds or so, it's just me blabbering about what I've already told you much more eloquently in this post:

Upon request, the lyrics.
Note: anywhere they don't match, it's because I got nervous and forgot my own words- below is what I meant to sing.

You call me pretty, you call me brave,
and you don't know why I don't think the same
but when I stand next to you, I feel so invisible.
We crowd round the mirror to get ready for the day
you have perfect hair and make up and ... mine's okay
oh what would I give, to look differently
what would I pay, to be someone else for a day.

Cuz I want to be more than just, a lonely girl in a rocking chair
I want to see something else besides freckles and frizzy hair.


You call me pretty, you call me brave,
I still can't believe you even know my name
cuz I tell myself, everyday, I'm invisible.
I look in the mirror, see a flower on the wall
You see a girl, slender and tall
oh what would I give, to see what you see
what would I pay, to borrow your eyes for a day.

Cuz I want to be more than just, a lonely girl in a rocking chair
I want to see something else besides freckles and frizzy hair.
But these lies that I tell myself, will tear me apart
So it's time to let reality back into my heart.

So when you call me pretty, like that one girl from Brave
I still might just laugh cuz you don't know her name
but I'll start to admit, I just might be beautiful
When I look in the mirror, I'll see a smile and blue eyes
and a girl no longer chained by her self-constructed lies
I gave them away and now I can see
You don't have to pay, to love yourself every day

And I know I am so much more than a girl in a rocking chair
I am freckles and stars, a red guitar, and matching hair.