#1 November Roses, a multi-faceted miracle

There are some miracles that surround us every day, yet we do not take the time to enjoy them.  Roses are one of those miracles.

Today, I consider this miracle to be multi-faceted because it is a miracle on so many different levels and each level has it's own type of miracle and reason to feel gratitude for it.

First - the title miracle.

It is November and the roses are still in full bloom.  The pictures included here are were taken today as I left work. These roses aren't the last few stragglers on plant preparing to shut down for the winter. These are huge, vibrant blooms and they are every where. This means, not only do I get to enjoy roses, but it is warm enough to want to be outside and enjoy roses.  I'm not much of a cold-weather person, so any evidence of warm weather is a miracle to me.

Next - the ability to experience the simple beauty of a rose.

There are roses in this world. They come in hundreds of colors and dozens of sizes. And I have eyes that can see those colors, the gradation from one color to another, and the perfect pattern the rose forms.  I have skin that can feel the soft velvety petals, the dozens and dozens of petals. With my nose, I can smell the perfume they give off. A smell which we have learned to capture and replicate, but never quite matches the warm, sunlight scent of a rose garden.  I have a phone that can capture the image. And who knows - maybe this device once intended for talking will someday capture and convey that smell to you too.


Finally - stop and smell the roses.

These rose bushes are at work. I walk past them almost every day as I leave the office (not quite every day because sometimes I walk out of different doors). After a full day of work, I can put it all down, walk away, and literally stop to smell the roses before returning home. It gives me a moment to think, to relax, to set everything aside and see the miracle of a rose.

They aren't just beautiful. They aren't just blooming into November.  They are blooming when and where I can see them and appreciate them every day. That is such an incredible miracle and witness to me that God knows who I am and cares enough to put roses along my path.

Take the time to smell the roses before winter comes.

I am...

As mentioned several weeks ago, I recently lost everything that I once thought I was.  My self-image was suddenly filled with the phrase "I am not".

I am not his fiance.
I am not getting married.
I am not hungry.
I am not able to sleep.
I am not wanted...

For a short time, I let the "I am not's" define me.

In Avengers: Age of Ultron, a new android-like hero named Vision is created.  As the other Avengers question him, Vision responds, "I am not Ultron. I am not Jarvis.  I am...I am."

For a brief period of time, Vision was also defined by what he was not.  Then, he learned a lesson that I am still trying to wrap my head around.  When all you know is what you are not, be content with knowing simply that you are.  Don't worry about 'what' you are, just know that you are.  You exist, you are not anything else and nothing else is you.  And that's pretty cool.

I am and I get to decide what I am, so here are a few things that I have decided I am (or will become, where applicable).


I am healthy.  Presently, I am probably malnourished and definitely sleep deprived, but these are temporary states, and I am going to overcome them.  However, I am not in the hospital, I am not terminally ill, and though I am sad, I am not clinically depressed.  I am healthy.  I am grateful for my health and will begin working harder to maintain my health.

I am a runner.  I began running infrequently a few months ago and have discovered that running helps me process stress and refocus on what matters most.  I haven't run in a few weeks now, figured this was a smart choice in light of being malnourished and sleep deprived, but it is time to start again.  I am motivating myself by running the "Freedom Run" 10K on July 4th and signing up for a half-marathon probably sometime in October (haven't decided which yet).  I'd love to have some running buddies if you are interested in joining me for either.

I am artistic.  I totally can't draw or paint or anything, but I love to color, cross-stitch, sew, and make cards.  I can create beautiful things.

I am musical.  This is a hobby which I have let slip the past year, but I really love music.  This is another way which I can create something beautiful - just not a visual sort of beauty.

I am a writer.  Writing is one way I stay mentally healthy, so I am going to make sure to dedicate more time to it.  I can take the world around me and make it beautiful through writing.  I learn how to see things differently when I write.  Often times, I sit down to write on my blog and I'm crying and overemotional and miserable, but as I string together words, I calm down and remember what I am.

I am an astronomer - 'nuff said.

And finally - I am a daughter of God.  No one can take this truth from me.  I am loved by Him, even on the days I feel forgotten.  He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to complete the atonement and gain perfect empathy for me.  He cannot and will not forget me.

Who am I?

I have done a terrible job of keeping my blog up-to-date.  Life was just so wonderful, I never wanted to stop experiencing it to record it...but now the "wonderful" is over.  I have no record of it.  Admittedly, I'd rather forget it all right now, but I'm sure some day I will wish I had taken the time to record what was wonderful back when it was wonderful.

My fiance recently called off our wedding.  It was supposed to occur just over a month from now.  One day, my whole life was planned. Ok - not my whole life, but a lot of it.  I had a substantial number of short, mid, and long-term goals and they made sense and I was excited to work towards them with my best friend.  But then that day was gone - and with it my best friend, my wedding, and every single goal.

I am left hollow.

Who am I?

Life plans were shattered so completely that I have lost all desire to plan.  And I'm not just talking about long term plans.  I don't care about what I'm going to eat for dinner.  I don't want to think about what I'm going to do this weekend.  I decided to visit my parents so that I wouldn't have to make any plans, but they keep asking me when I'm 'planning' on going home.  I haven't planned that yet either.

But ...Of course - there has to be a 'but' in here - I don't like writing strictly depressing posts.

After attempting to avoid thinking about the emptiness I have felt, I realized something incredible.  I am left hollow.  Everything that I thought I was has been ripped from me.  Obviously, I would have preferred a less painful method than 'ripped from me', but now my slate is clean.  I can choose with what I refill myself.  I can let go of those things which I didn't like because they are already gone.  They can be replaced by all those things I always wished I was but for which I never the found space.  Deep down, I still contain my core: rainbows, astronomy, a sure knowledge that I am a child of God. These things will never change.  I can surround that core with something new.

I can decide.

Who am I?

I'll let you know soon.

Forgiving God

On January 10th, I learned that my plan for my life was not in line with God's plan for my life at the present moment.  My faith was strong enough to help me let go of everything I had worked towards, everything I thought I deserved, and all the righteous goals I was trying to fulfill because my Heavenly Father was telling me now was not the time.  I did as He asked me to do, but I was hurt and I was mad.

The next day, while at church, I heard a beautiful lesson on love.  I'll be honest, I only listened to a little of it, my heart still hurt too much, but I remember the beginning.  The young woman who was teaching asked us how we show someone that we love them.  The room was filled with the typical comments: tell them, spend time with them, serve them, forgive them, consider their desires, the list went on.  We were then asked how we show that we love God.  Many people quickly recognized how we can apply the answers to the first question.  We can tell God we love him through prayer.  We can spend time with God by attending the church and studying the scriptures. etc. etc...

But one thing was not brought up again.  To show a person we love them, we forgive them.  Yet for some reason, no one said this is a way we can show that we love our Heavenly Father. Forgiveness is often associated with sin, and of course, Heavenly Father doesn't sin.  So you might ask, why would we need to forgive God?

In the October General Conference of 1973, Elder Hanks asked the following in regards to forgiveness, "What is our response when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offering rejected?"

I found myself needing to forgive God.  He had not sinned against me, but Elder Hanks did not only ask for our response to the sins and mistakes.  He asked about our response when we are hurt by those we love or when our offerings are rejected.

I approached the Lord with my offering: a set of righteous goals and desires and a plan by which I believed, with His help, I could fulfill those goals and desires.  Heavenly Father rejected my offering.  And I was hurt by the person I love most, the person I have been taught loves me more than I can comprehend.

I fought and I prayed for the strength to forgive God. Not because he had sinned against me, for I know that He is perfect, but because I had been hurt by that which I had been asked to do.  Forgiveness is for everyone who hurts us, regardless of their motivation or purpose.  By forgiving those who have sinned against us, we find comfort and healing.  By striving to forgive everyone, we are able to let go of our anger and gain understanding for those who only sought what was best for us.

Forgiveness is for the stranger who steals your wallet.

Forgiveness is for the parents who ground you, seeking to teach you proper behavior and habits.

Forgiveness if for Heavenly Father, when He tells you that you have done your best, but that He has something even better waiting for you.  When He takes away everything you've worked towards and asks you to trust in a plan which He will not yet reveal to you, your strength will come from trusting him.  To trust him, you must forgive him.

The pain doesn't go away, but it becomes just a little easier to live through.

The Ugly Duckling

A few weeks ago, someone shared the story of the ugly duckling in a talk at church.  Some of what was said has been rolling around my head and I thought I'd share.

The story of the Ugly Ducking is fairly familiar.  A nest full of ducklings hatches, and much to the surprise of the mother, one of them is bigger and uglier than all the others.  He is teased and taunted and finally leaves the flock.  After spending the winter alone and cold, he notices swans flying up above and decides to fly with them.  They all land on a lake and the ugly duckling looks down and discovers his own reflection, which reveals to him that he is also a swan.  That's the gist of it at least- read the whole thing if you're unfamiliar with the story.

If I'm remembering correctly, the speaker in church used this to relate to our need to have courage, to realize that we are more than just an ugly duckling.  I think he mentioned several times that we should remember we are swan-lings.  That's what was said.  Here's what I heard...

We all have those difficult moments, sometimes it is caused by our internal conflicts, other times it is caused by what people say.  The point is, we all have those moments where we feel ugly, insignificant, and unimportant.  In those moments, we can step back and remind ourselves that we are not ducks.  Yes, it is true that we start off little and adorable.  We grow up and go through that phase where we are incurably awkward and feel like we are waddling about making stupid noises whenever we hope to be graceful and elegant.  But still, we are not ducks. We were never meant to be ducks.

You are a child of God.  You are filled with divinity, and only struggle to see it because you are still young, like a "swan-ling."  But someday, you shall return to God's presence.  He will embrace you as your father, who has long awaited your return.  In his arms, your feelings of doubt, self-consciousness, and insecurity will disappear.  You will look up and discover your reflection in his eyes.  It will reveal to you that you are glorious, it will reveal that you are incredible, and you will realize that you are seeing yourself as He has always seen you.  You were never meant to be a duck.  

For Those I Love...

Father,
I thank thee for those I love.  I am grateful for the raucous that we make with each grand idea we discover.  And how I appreciate cell phones, internet, and all that was once considered impossible so that I might hear the echos of distant adventures.  Father, I am grateful for those I share clothes with, who help me style my hair, and tell me I look beautiful as I prepare for a date.  And the way we leap in excitement upon seeing each other at the end of the day.  I thank thee that through them I might feel your love for me.

Father, I thank thee for the midnight discussions, curled on the couch and unable to sleep for the tragedies that have befallen.  I thank thee for the opportunities thou hast given me to dry damp cheeks and sit with another till watery eyes become clear again.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the trust thou hast in me, that I might be one who helps another.  And for the chance I have to pray for them, to suffer with them, to cry on their behalf. More than anything, I am grateful that I might be the one by which others feel thy love for them.

Lost in My Head

I've become lost, somewhere inside myself, somewhere in my head.  While wandering amidst the curves and crevices of my mind, between plans for the day, a half-written poem, calculus, and concern for a friend, I slowed down just enough for my secret to catch up to me- I don't know why I'm wandering.

I don't know why I'm wandering. Was I looking for something or running from something?  Is there a thought I'm trying desperately to remember, or a memory I'm striving diligently to forget?  Did a plan fall through and I just haven't readjusted yet, or has a goal been reached and I'm still rolling on the momentum? Regardless...

Due to my discovery, I've ceased strolling through trees of memory or checking on recently planted seedlings of hope and have instead sat in the shade of uncertainty while watching the clouds billow till they block out the sky.  I'm lost, not because I don't know where I am (though I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure) but because I'm suddenly unsure of where I was going?

As I seek input from the world outside my skin, I see your desire to help me.  I recognize that you are outside of the maze in which I've wrapped myself.  You can see the turn I'm missing, you can lead me to the end! And I yearn to rely on you to save me.  Then I realize, though you can see what I might be missing, you don't know what I'm missing. And I can't tell you, for I'm not quite sure.  So I step back inside my skin... feeling alone...right beside you.

Childish instinct blames you for not helping, at least until reason steps in and explains, leaving me internally conflicted and no less lost.  I begin to despair.  And finally, I recall the Rock that never moves but can always be found.  Seeking peace, I turn to my Father in prayer.  He knows why I was wandering, but more importantly, He knows where I ought to be.  And He has promised to help me get there.

Now, I need only get up and out of the shade...

Pinay pa ang kalug ko.

Translation: My soul is still Filipino.
(as a side note, kalug is a really fun word when you are talking quickly in Hiligaynon about the soul. The whole conversation sounds like it's taking place next to an old broken machine.)

As I ate dinner today, I unexpectedly had a strong urge to eat rice with my noodles and shrimp.  Almost 18 months ago, having recently returned from the Philippines, where they eat rice with every meal, this would have been an expected desire.  It's been quite a while since then, so I was rather surprised when I stopped and looked at my bowl of food and debated if it needed rice.  My skin is white, my hair is red, but every now and then I'm reminded that a part of my soul will forever be Filipino.

Now, as funny as this is, the experience turned me back to thoughts of my mission.  Even almost 18 months later, the Filipino part of my soul speaks up.  I'm reminded how I have changed, not just in terms of my appetite and my desire to speak Hiligaynon, but in who I am and my faith in the Lord.  The 18 months I spent in the Philippines helped teach me how much the Lord loves me.  I learned that He will always be there to help me when I feel like the road is too difficult.  I discovered that though I feel small and weak, I can still be an instrument in His hands, especially since most of what He wants me to do are just small, simple things that can change another person's life.

I'm so grateful that my soul will forever be a little Filipino, that I will want rice whenever I eat fish, and that I long to eat mangoes for breakfast.  These things helped me become who I am, and you know what, I like who I am.

The New Testament

About 2 weeks ago, I finished reading the New Testament as part of my goal mentioned a couple months ago.  I've been lazy and unfocused and so I'm just now getting around to blogging my success.  When I finished the Old Testament, I shared a few verses which really touched me, and I wanted to do the same with the New Testament. So- better late than never:

Matthew 2:2 "Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him."

For those of you who know me personally, you're aware that I'm partial to stars.  The birth of a God was marked with the sign of a star.  And there were people, great wise men, who saw the sign and sought the king.  We often discuss the shepherds who were visited by angels and told of the birth of Christ.  From them we learn that Christ came to lift up the lowly, a king came to rescue the shepherd.  The wise men teach that even the most knowledgeable of the time can still believe in Christ.  In today's world, especially working as a scientist, I'm often questioned about how I can believe in God.  Some scientists claim that science "proves" that God does not exist.  As one who came after him, I can believe, just as the ones who came before believed and watched for the signs and came.  The shepherds were beckoned by angels, the wise men saw a star, even a great king was afraid of the power of a babe.  If they can believe, so can I.

Matthew 9:29 "Then touched he their eyes, saying, According to your faith be it unto you."

Christ accomplished many miracles during his earthly ministry.  Some of the most interesting to me have always been the blind receiving their sight (I think this is because going blind has always been one of my greatest fears).  I love how often Christ reiterates the idea, "according to your faith be it unto you."  Miracles come through our faith. They are a result of it.  They were not intended to be proof so that we can believe, but after we believe, we can see miracles which can strengthen our faith in the Lord.

Luke 1:37 "For with God nothing shall be impossible."

This statement really means a lot to me right now.  Mostly because college comes so close to feeling absolutely impossible.  But there is the promise, clear as day, impossible to misinterpret.  As I learn to trust in him, nothing shall be impossible.  I may be weak by myself, but he is infinitely powerful, and infinity plus 1 can do anything.

Charity

1 Corinthians 13:8-10
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

The entirety of 1 Corinthians 13 is centered on Charity.  From this chapter we learn that Charity is the love of Christ, without it we are nothing, and it is the greatest of the three traits often listed in the scriptures- faith, hope, and charity.  From the verses quoted above, I have come to understand a little more the permanence of charity.

The Bible and Book of Mormon are both filled with prophecies of the time when all shall be made perfect.  All human beings will be resurrected, brought back to life with a perfect and immortal body.  Pain and sickness shall be done away.  This will be a time of great change, as every individual will need to be perfected.  Human knowledge will change, we shall see the faults in our discoveries and theories and have the opportunity to perfect our knowledge.

The prophesies of ancient prophets, which we learn through scripture, and modern prophets, which we can learn by listening to them and reading their words, will change.  This one surprised me a little, since prophecy comes from God, so I figured it was perfect.  The words that we receive are perfect, however; they are merely a part of all that God desires to give us.  In our imperfect and still child-like state, we are not able to learn all, so the prophecies we receive are part of the whole truth.  The prophecies will change because they will become complete.  In other words, like human or physical knowledge, or spiritual knowledge will become perfected.

Charity is the only perfect thing that we, as imperfect beings, are able to access.  As the pure love of Christ, charity cannot be imperfect.  Christ loves each of us perfectly and completely.  This is why He suffered and died, so that each of us might overcome our sins and imperfections.  As we exercise charity, as we strive to love all, despite their imperfections, as Christ loves us despite ours, and as we avoid judging those who sin and instead seek to help them overcome sin, we grow a little more into the perfect beings we someday shall be.  We cannot do it without Christ.  Our love isn't yet perfect enough to overcome judgement and fear.  For this reason, Christ gives us His love, He gives us Charity.  It is already perfect, it will not change, but it will change us if we give it the chance.

Week 8

Well, it's been a while. I seem to have gotten busy/lazy/procrastinatory and not written in quite a while, which is really quite a shame because I've had lots of interesting ideas to write about, I just haven't written them.  This shall have to be remedied...eventually.

I realized I never posted my goal for week 7, which was the week of June 23-29. Last week didn't count as a week in my goal because I was on vacation.  To be honest, I don't remember what my goal was. I think I intended it to be no candy- like I intended week 6 to be no candy, but my adviser had dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joes.  One can't just pass those up.  About 1 day into the week, I changed my goal...but I don't remember to what it was changed.  This is why I'm supposed to be blogging these things.

Anyways. For week 8, I've decided to focus on enforcing good habits instead of developing new ones.  This is a little different from the maintenance week I had about a month ago.  That was working on habits I've developed since the plan began.  I'm focusing this week on two habits which I've been working on for a while- praying every morning and studying my scriptures.  Since coming to the Middle-of-Nowhere, I've had lots of time on my hands and set a goal to study my scriptures for at least 30 minutes a day.  This goal kinda collapsed while I was on vacation, I think I got 5 minutes a day instead.  Morning prayer has always been difficult for me. Saying a prayer before going to bed is easy to remember, but I don't wake up well, or quickly, so remembering a prayer in the morning is much more difficult.  This habit also faltered significantly while on vacation.  So, this week will be designated to re-enforcing these two essential habits.

Of all the habits on which I have focused, these are the two that truly make me feel like I'm becoming a better person.  Running might bring me closer to making my goal distance, making breakfast might bring me closer to good eating habits, going to bed early brings me closer to getting to work on time.  Prayer and scriptures bring me closer to God, there is nowhere else I need to be.

The Old Testament

Several months ago, I made a goal to read my scriptures cover-to-cover.  This consists of the Old and New Testaments, as well as three additional books members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints consider to be scripture- the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.

Today, I finished the first and longest of these books- the Old Testament.  I believe this is the first time I've read the Old Testament all the way through, and I will admit, there were parts that were hard to get through, like Chronicles and Numbers.  I'm sure if I were a better person, I would have discovered all the important lessons with which the prophets filled these books.  I guess I need to become a better person and come back to this again sometime.  Of course, being unable to learn from Chronicles or Numbers doesn't mean that nothing was learned.  I would like to share with you a few verses that really stuck out to me as I read this ancient work of revelation.

Isaiah 14:12-16. The first three verses describe Lucifer's fall from heaven due to his attempt to exceed God. Yet as great as his desire for power is, he is doomed to punishment. The last verse expresses what we shall see after this life. "They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms?"

These verses help me to remember two truths about Satan. The first is that he does have power to shake kingdoms and effect the world around us. Second, we shall look down upon him after this life, amazed at his smallness.  He has great power, but only because we give it too him.  It kinda reminds me of those bratty children you see who completely run their parents lives.  They are tiny and powerless in the world, but have control because it is given to them.  We are more than Satan is or ever will be.  As we strive to live righteously, he will never be able to overpower us.  He can tempt us, but he can never make us sin. The power of choice lies solely with us.

Jeremiah 1: 6-7 In the first part of the chapter, Jeremiah is told that he has been foreordained to be a prophet of God.  These verses are his response.  "Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak."

The Lord has often given me positions and responsibilities of which I felt completely incapable.  I turned to him with a similar response as Jeremiah, "I am but a child, I'm unqualified and unable."  Every time, he has responded just as He did above, with a reminder that I don't need to tell him I'm a child, he knows, and if I go where He has sent me, He will tell me what to do and say.  He makes up for our weaknesses.

Ezekiel 36: 26 "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh."

This verse reminds me that no matter what happens, God can heal us.  There are many ways to acquire a stony heart.  It can be through our sins that pull us away from Heavenly Father or it can be the actions of others that hurt and leave scar tissue till your heart loses its ability to feel and care.  Either way, if we turn to Him again, He promises to take that damaged heart away and make us new again.  I've felt it and know it to be true.  There was a time in my life where I could no longer deal with broken promises and fake friendships and I stopped caring about the world.  I thought I could handle no more pain, so I refused to let myself feel it.  This only made things worse as I became isolated and cold.  Finally turning to God let in all the pain I had tried to hold out, however, it also flooded my soul with His love for me.  He eased the pain, took away that which I couldn't bear, and gave me a new heart that might love again.

The Reason

I woke up today on the wrong side of the bed.  It probably didn't help that I fell asleep on the wrong side of the bed.  Point being, I wasn't in the best of moods at six o'clock this morning as I got up and began to get ready for church.  I was worn out, physically and spiritually, and really needed help.  I went to church seeking comfort and guidance so that I might fall asleep in the right place tonight.  I didn't get it.  No teacher read a scripture that seemed to speak straight to me.  No speaker gave a message that helped solve my problems.  No comments were even made that lead me to feel like God knows how I feel and inspired them to say that just for me to remind me He loves me.  Nothing...

But here is the secret- it doesn't matter.

I did not go to church today with some subconscious ultimatum.  I hadn't declared, "I'm here seeking the help I think I need and if I don't get it then I'm giving up."  I wasn't there looking for proof, thinking that if Heavenly Father didn't solve my small problem of where I get up in the morning then the whole of it wasn't true.  That was NOT what I did.

The reason I went to church this morning is because I love God.  The reason I sit in a car for an hour, going down windy mountain roads, is my love for my Heavenly Father.  Through my love for Him, He is able to strengthen me and help me see how to solve the little problems on my own.  Attending church does bring blessings, but that is not the reason I go.  I'm not showing up to church expecting immediate payment in the form of blessings I think I need.  They will come in the Lord's way and time, and then I receive the blessings I actually need.  But the blessings aren't the reason, they are more like a positive side effect.

I went to church because I love Him.  And the best part is, He loves me.  I left carrying all the same problems with which I showed up.  I came home and took a nap, still on the wrong side of the bed.  However, I know that I did the right thing today and I am reminded that my problems really aren't that big (I mean, at least I haven't yet fallen off the bed).  And several hours after the fact, He helps me remember something I barely overheard. "The most important thing is your relationship with Heavenly Father."

"You don't have to find out you're dying to start living"

I think that statement basically sums up why I have been striving to become something better.  It's from a youtube video I saw recently- the story of a 17 year old who knew he was dying.  He made every day worth living.  Life wasn't always perfect, there were hard times and bad days, but that didn't take away from the chance to live and change....

I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with all this.  I just wanted to share this video with you.  I feel like it explains a little bit why I'm doing what I'm doing.  I'm not terminally ill; I don't anticipate dying anytime in the near future.  I believe, however, that I should be able to fall asleep every night feeling that the day was a good last day, even if it isn't my last day.

It's like the story of that little Scottish lady (brief pause for a google search), Mary Murray Murdoch.  She was a Mormon Pioneer in the 1850's, traveling from Scotland to America, and then joining a hand cart company to join other members of the church in Utah.  She passed away before reaching her destination, but her final words are recorded as being "Tell John (her son) I died with my face toward Zion."  Completing the trip wasn't the most important thing. What mattered was the daily effort made to get there, never turning back, never giving up.  That is the sort of person I want to be.  I want to face forward, upward, God-ward every day.  I hope to know every day that I'm further along that path, even if just a little, and that I'm still facing the right way.  I don't want to wait to find out I'm dying before I start trying to use every day to live a wonderful life and help others do the same.

Heavenly Father

I heard the argument recently that God is only an idea to provide comfort when life is hard.  It was argued that when life is good, no one needs or recognizes God in their life.  As soon as life gets difficult, however, people turn to God and attribute any solutions to Him.  Upon hearing this, I felt a strong desire to share who God is to me.

I believe God is the literal Father of all on earth.  He loves us with a perfect love just as most parents love their children.  I'm grateful to my loving earthly father, raising me as Heavenly Father would have him raise me so that I might better understand what God is like.  My dad is there when times are tough.  When things get too challenging and I've run out of options, I can turn to him and he will do his best to help me find a solution.

However, this is not the only time I talk to my father.  I call him when things are going great and I would just like advice on what classes to sign up for, or help editing an essay, or boys (yes, I talk about boys with my dad- I love my daddy).  Just because nothing is wrong doesn't mean my father can't help me.  He is also there for when things are going great.  I need merely dial his number to tell him that I got the research position I had applied for, to tell him about a great day at work, or even just to have someone listen to me as I share adventures of the day.  At these moments, I feel a deep gratitude towards him for inspiring in me a love of astronomy and a desire to work diligently for worthy goals.  I know it is because of the lessons from my father that I have achieved so much.  Lastly, even though he is far away, my father still wants to do what he can to make my life better.  He buys my food when they visit (or rather mom takes me shopping for food when they visit, but it's the same money).  He even bought me a printer last year.

My father has been an incredible example of what Heavenly Father is like.  God is there when times are tough, when things go wrong, when your heart hurts and your eyes leak and the world is so heavy you can hardly breathe.  He is there if we take the time to call him, through prayer.  Yet this is not the only time He is there for us.  If it is, that is our own fault.  Howard W. Hunter taught "If prayer is only a spasmodic cry at the time of crisis, then it is utterly selfish, and we come to think of God as a repairman or a service agency to help us only in our emergencies" (Hallowed Be Thy Name, 1977).  Heavenly Father is not just a repairman, he is our father.  He wants us to talk to him when we are seeking advice, he wants us to tell him of our success in life, and he appreciates our gratitude for him as we recognize how far we have come because of what he has taught us.

I've realized that I write most about the tough situations, the days when I'm given solutions and comfort.  I think this is because I feel those experiences will most help others.  But I want you to know, these moments are not the only moments when I see his hand in my life.  I see Him in the bright colors of spring, I hear Him in the laughter of friends, I feel Him as the missionaries I teach tell me that He loves me.

Wahoo!

Yes, I realize it has been quite a while since I've written.  Life gets busy sometimes- that's okay.  Between homework, finals, teaching, trying to still have a social life, I just haven't had the time to sit and write.  But here I am now, with a few spontaneties (that's spontaneous, turned into a noun and pluralized, spell-checker claims it isn't allowed, but I don't care) to share.

Spontaneity number 1 has already been stated- life gets busy and that's okay.  Being busy is actually really easy to handle as long as you remember what really matters.  Sometimes, regardless of how much homework and studying ought to be done, the most productive way to spend your time honestly is by playing with liquid nitrogen with your friends and roommates.  Nothing is ever so important that you can't pause and pray for a few minutes.  And nothing (besides prayer) is so important you can't laugh.  So bring on the busy- because that which is most important will still happen.

Spontaneity number 2- No matter how much you want to become better, no matter how hard you are trying to make each day a bit higher than the previous, life happens.  Life has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster the past few weeks.  I've had plenty of high moments, like liquid nitrogen, school ending, and making memories with friends.  But these moments have been so clear because of the trials in between them, like attending the funeral of the baby of a close friend and the emotional strain of learning of the explosions at the Boston Marathon only minutes after my dad crossed the finish line.  I suppose the epiphany here is that life is allowed to be a little bit less than "better" every now and then.  When I forget to continue flossing and slack on exercising and retreat into myself, it's okay.  I'm not doing any worse.  Getting out of bed and getting dressed and making the choice to face the day knowing it won't be easy is the bigger accomplishment.  I don't have to feel guilty for being so worn out that I decide to skip Spanish.  

Spontaneity number 3- I'm grateful for my trials, so very grateful.  The Lord tested me and pushed me and made life really difficult, but at the end of this I realized how strong my testimony of God's Plan of Salvation was.  This is what I wrote about on Easter.  I had no idea how soon I would need to rely again on that testimony.  I would never have imagined that just over a week later I would sit at a funeral, watching my friend stand in front of the tiny casket holding her first child.  But I know, as does this dear friend of mine, that God has a plan for our families.  If we follow his plan, we can be with our families for the rest of eternity.  I know this is true and I am grateful that Heavenly Father helped me to remember how true it is so that my knowledge was there when I needed it.  I'm grateful that Heavenly Father is there to strengthen us when we are too weak to go to Spanish class. 

Spontaneity number 4- the semester is over. I'm free! Also- this is officially my 150th post. Isn't that cool. That's all.

Easter

What is Easter to you?

This year, Easter come rather unexpectedly, especially compared to the past two years.  When I was a missionary, I studied and thought and taught about Christ and his Atonement every day.  Easter was a moment when the rest of the country began discussing the same message we had been sharing so long.  These were special days, days that helped me to recognize Easter and the Resurrection of Christ in deeper way.  If you would like to read those thoughts when I had them, check out the posts Happy Easter April 2011 and Easter April 2012

However, as deep as my understanding of Easter became on my mission, the past few weeks have made Easter personal.  I have known for a long time that Jesus was crucified for us.  He suffered the pain of all sins, trials, heartaches, illnesses... everything.  He died for us and, on Easter Sunday, he overcame death, never to suffer it again.  Because of his sacrifice, we can find help and comfort as we suffer here on earth.  We can be forgiven of sins.  We too can be resurrected, overcoming death and receiving perfected and glorified bodies. This I've always know.

Just over a week ago, my youngest brother had another surgery.  He was born with a clubbed foot, for which he has had many surgeries and has been able to overcome his handicap and do great things.  But his foot began to hurt him again.  This time, there seemed to be no surgery to resolve the pain.  So my youngest brother, braver than I think I could ever have been at that age, made the choice to have his foot amputated.  This was the purpose of his most recent surgery.

Being away at school, spending most days waiting for a phone call, waiting for updates, having little knowledge of what was going on, made this a surprisingly difficult experience.  For these trails, Christ suffered.  Over two-thousand years ago, Christ experienced my fear that something might go wrong and I wouldn't be there to help.  He felt my mother's anxiety as doctors disagreed on the best methods and procedures.  He suffered my brother's pain for this past year as well as the pain he feels now as a result of the surgery.  And in addition to all this, Christ lives, and because he lives, we shall too. My brother shall rise again after this life with glorified and perfected body.  His small, scarred foot shall not be restored to him.  He will be whole, no more pain, no more scars, only two perfect feet.

I have always known and long understood the meaning of Easter.  Now I feel it.

A Little Sore

Fact of life: 5 exams in 1 week removes opportunities for blogging.  I'll be taking my 6th exam for the week in about an hour, but felt my brain needed the opportunity to recover and am therefore NOT studying anymore...ever...at least till Monday.

For a review of the week.  I've gotten surprisingly consistent in my Listerine usage.  I think I'm going to push myself one step further in dental hygiene and re-develop the habit of flossing.  Yes! It is written and therefore decided, I shall start tonight.

For my Lazy-Iron-Man, I have swum 20 laps (out of 79), biked 37 miles (out of 112) and run/quickly walked 4 miles (out of 26.2).  For this reason, I'm a little sore.  I didn't realize I was a little sore until about 20 minutes ago when I decided to take the stairs up to the fourth floor of the science building.  Basically, half way between the 2nd and 3rd floor, my legs began loudly protesting.  But stairs are good for you- so I pushed myself the rest of the way and am now greatly enjoying the opportunity to sit.

Lastly, I learned something wonderful yesterday.  I once heard the expression, "If you want to make God laugh, show him your life plans."  This quote never seemed quite accurate to me.  Heavenly Father wants us to set goals, make plans, and strive to become better.  While at work, the missionaries did an activity in which they planned out the upcoming week and made goals for where they want to be.  I recalled the phrase, "A goal not written down is merely a wish."  We were not born to merely wish.  We were made to achieve, and achievement comes through goals and plans.  Now, our plans do not always match God's plans for us, and his are generally better.  We might not always achieve what we expected.  Yet as we demonstrate our desire to become better, our ability to see the direction God desires for us to go will increase.  I'm not saying God doesn't laugh, anyone watching my life probably would, but I don't believe he laughs at our good intentions to change.  He tells us that our plans are wonderful, and then allows us to see his.

Consider the Lilies

Time to take a short break from studying and share a bit about why today was a better day.

To start with a scripture passage Matthew 6:28-34
       And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?  (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.  Take therfore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Now- what does this passage have to do with anything? For starters, it is one of my favorites.  These verses are a simple reminder that God will take care of us as we trust in him.  These verses though have recently developed an even deeper meaning to me.  To those who know me well, I teach at the MTC.  The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is well known for the missionaries sent throughout the world.  The MTC- or Missionary Training Center- is where they go for a brief training before being sent everywhere.  I get to work with these young men and women and prepare them for that work.  Many of these missionaries keep in touch with me after they leave by adding me to a list of recipients who receive weekly journal-like emails.  I'd like to share an experience relating to this scripture verse from Elder Butler, who has been serving in the Philippines for approximately 2 months.  He also read these verses and shared the following:

I initially thought about the people here and how for many of them, if they don't work on Sunday, then they don't eat on Sunday, and as missionaries we are asking them to keep all of Gods commandments including keeping the Sabbath day holy, and for me I would sometimes hesitate within myself, because I know these peoples situation and I know what it means for them to not work on Sunday and attend church. But it is a promise of the Lord, and the Lord knows that we need physical things as well as spiritual things, and if we put our priorities in the right place and show our faith the Lord he will make sure that we are taken care of. He takes care of the birds and clothes the lilies of the field in raiment that is more impressive than Solomon's temple, and he can also provide rice for a family if they make the decision to keep His commandments and keep His Sabbath day holy.

But in addition to this, as if to drive the point home, later that day as we were out teaching our less actives and investigators it was a very hot day and I didn't have any more water on me and I was very very thirsty, and sweating a lot, and of course I can't drink the water from the houses of the people or else I'll get sick. And there is no way we could return to our apartment to get water without wasting a lot of time, so we continue on with our teaching. But just as I was about to get to the point where I would need to get water from some place or else I might have some problems, it starts raining. And at first this was almost a mocking gesture to me, but then as we arrived at our investigators house I noticed how the water was running off my umbrella in a small stream. So I asked them for a cup, and with a few weird looks from them I took the cup and filled it up twice with the water running off my umbrella and drank. And as soon as I wasn't thirsty anymore it stopped raining and became clear and hot once more.

Now this may have been a small thing, and maybe you could call it a happy coincidence, but to me it just reminded me of what I had studied earlier. I was in need, and the Lord provided a way. And if He can do that for me when I'm thirsty, He can do the same for these people when they are hungry. And as a result I have no more fear in asking these people to keep the commandments of the Lord, because I know that when he makes a promise he makes good on it.

After reading his experience, my conviction of the above passage didn't change, but I gained a deeper understanding of it's truth.  God really will provide all that we need.  As I continue to trust in Him and do my best, everything will be alright.  If I work my hardest and remain obedient and still don't get an A in every class, it does not mean I've failed.  I merely didn't need it (as much as I might think I do) because the Lord will provide all that we need.

All Beginnings have an End

A couple months ago, I began teaching at the Missionary Training Center.  Shortly after that, my first district (group) of missionaries came in.  I look back on that day, greeting them in Hiligaynon, watching their faces as they tried to understand, seeing them change.  For 9 weeks, I've watched them grow from teenagers to representatives of the Lord Jesus Christ.  I feel so blessed from this opportunity.

From them I have learned of faith, the faith it takes to do what you must when you know you can't.  I've learned patience as I've watched them deal with adjusting to the personalities they were surrounded with.  I saw sins lead to repentance, intolerance grow into charity, and fear become the ability to rely on the Lord.  

For them, I have changed.  Every week is filled with ideas of what I can do better to serve and help them.  Every day is filled with preparation on study to know better what I am to teach.  Every second (at least an attempt at every second) is laced with alterations to better live what I've learned.  I've come to understand the path of change is much longer than I can imagine.  

Work began, I changed, I grew.  But beginnings lead to ends.  That was today.  I taught them for the last time today, Monday they will get on a plane and fly to the Philippines and change others lives, just as they have changed mine. 

Good Luck, Elders!