#1 November Roses, a multi-faceted miracle

There are some miracles that surround us every day, yet we do not take the time to enjoy them.  Roses are one of those miracles.

Today, I consider this miracle to be multi-faceted because it is a miracle on so many different levels and each level has it's own type of miracle and reason to feel gratitude for it.

First - the title miracle.

It is November and the roses are still in full bloom.  The pictures included here are were taken today as I left work. These roses aren't the last few stragglers on plant preparing to shut down for the winter. These are huge, vibrant blooms and they are every where. This means, not only do I get to enjoy roses, but it is warm enough to want to be outside and enjoy roses.  I'm not much of a cold-weather person, so any evidence of warm weather is a miracle to me.

Next - the ability to experience the simple beauty of a rose.

There are roses in this world. They come in hundreds of colors and dozens of sizes. And I have eyes that can see those colors, the gradation from one color to another, and the perfect pattern the rose forms.  I have skin that can feel the soft velvety petals, the dozens and dozens of petals. With my nose, I can smell the perfume they give off. A smell which we have learned to capture and replicate, but never quite matches the warm, sunlight scent of a rose garden.  I have a phone that can capture the image. And who knows - maybe this device once intended for talking will someday capture and convey that smell to you too.


Finally - stop and smell the roses.

These rose bushes are at work. I walk past them almost every day as I leave the office (not quite every day because sometimes I walk out of different doors). After a full day of work, I can put it all down, walk away, and literally stop to smell the roses before returning home. It gives me a moment to think, to relax, to set everything aside and see the miracle of a rose.

They aren't just beautiful. They aren't just blooming into November.  They are blooming when and where I can see them and appreciate them every day. That is such an incredible miracle and witness to me that God knows who I am and cares enough to put roses along my path.

Take the time to smell the roses before winter comes.

A Thousand Miracles

The above quote is the cover of my journal.  When I pull it out to write, the quote reminds me to think of the miracles in my life, to record them so that I can remember them, and to be grateful for them. 

Unfortunately, much like my blog, my journal has been neglected.  The biggest miracle of my life was occurring and I was spending too much time enjoying it to write any of it down. 

Unlike my blog, I didn't return to my journal when I learned that the miracle wouldn't occur. I can justify being vague on my blog, since it is public. I can write what is occurring in the moment and only briefly mention the events that lead up to the moment. I feel as though I don't have the same excuses with a journal - that I ought to be specific regarding where I am now and how I came to be here. I've been afraid to reevaluate those wounds so my journal has gone untouched for 11 months.

And now I feel guilty for the miracles which I have failed to record...which makes me less eager to pick up my journal and attempt to write it all down. Vicious cycle.

Because there have been miracles.  So many miracles.

I've managed to sell two housing contracts within two weeks of realizing I needed to sell them. I've moved into a beautiful home. I've made wonderful friends in each new place I've lived.

I ran a half marathon (and trust me - with how often my training schedule was interrupted, this really was a miracle)

My family came to visit and I got to zip-line across a lake at 60 miles an hour.

I went on a road trip to Sweden and Norway (all recorded on my blog, but none of it made it into my journal).

My nephew is talking now and I always believe watching children grow is a miracle. Especially when I get cute videos of him saying things.

Point being - miracles happen every day and I want to make sure they are recorded.  So - here is my next big blogging project - A Thousand Miracles (in approximately a thousand days. I'm going to try and write daily but I know there will be days when that just doesn't happen. There will also be days when I need to write an epiphany or something and therefore won't write a miracle-specific post since I will have already done another post that day)

I will still share posts which are really meaningful and impactful to me, but to avoid clogging my Facebook feed - I will not be posting the links to all of them there. Feel free to visit occasionally to get caught up or follow the blog to be notified of new posts.

Each days is filled with miracles. I'm just going to tell you about one thousand of them.

You Didn't Win

One of my favorite 'break-up' songs is ABBA's "The Winner Takes it All." If you haven't heard it before - take the time to listen before continuing to read.

It's my favorite for several reasons:

• It is an ABBA song, which is one of very few bands who I can recognize almost all of the songs of.
• I can belt it at the top of my lungs and feel strong and powerful despite being heartbroken.
• I feel like it does a good job of describing how I feel when I'm heartbroken. I played all my cards, I did the best I could, I followed the rules, and somehow I lost everything. You made me feel safe, you promised me the future, but you took it all with you and left me with nothing.

That being said - today, this song is wrong. Because you didn't win.

You and I played a game. A game that I thought was one of those collaborative games, you know - players against the board where we are trying to win together. I thought we were winning...until you revealed the real game.  I never figured out how I was supposed to win, you never explained it to me. But you made it clear how you were trying to win...

...you wanted me to hate you.

We made promises, but you broke them.

We created plans, and then you ripped them to shreds.

You left me stranded to clean up the mess.

You claimed you'd earn my trust again.

You made promises again but didn't even bother to remember what they were.

You lied and kept secrets.

You needed to make me hate you....

...so that you could feel justified in hating yourself.

And it was working for a while.  I was so mad.  Not so much at the lies and broken promises, but because you were gone and you weren't supposed to be. I finally reached level 25 in Pokemon Go and I got a Snorlax, but you weren't there to celebrate with me. I watched the Flash and figured out why Joe's last name matters and had to imagine your reaction. I saw Dr. Strange and didn't have you to discuss it with for hours afterwards.

BUT YOU DIDN'T WIN!

I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you anymore.  I just feel bad because you have missed out on so much.  I have had a blast and even if I wish you were there to share in it with all my heart, why should I hate you when my life is awesome and you aren't here for it.  You didn't take it all.  In time, you won't have taken anything from me.  I have everything I need right now, and someday - I will have it all back.

I still miss you every now and then. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently so that you would have been a part of all those memories. But I'm done playing your game. I'm not going to let you win. Go ahead, hate yourself. I am not going to give you excuses or justifications.

I don't hate you.

You didn't win.

Tunnel Vision - an Epiphany

I have had an epiphany - one which takes the form of a metaphor.

Life is a walk through an unknown cave.  I believe, for the most part, you walk with a candle (Something I don't recommend; if you are actually walking through a cave, you should have a much better light source).  The candle allows you to see, even if just a little, into your future.  You can't make out everything, but you get the gist of what life will be like for the next little while.  For example, when you start high school - you have an idea of what the next year will be like, though you can't see the details each day will bring.

Of course, the candle only gives you a general idea of what may happen.  You may approach an opening in the cave wall which you choose to slip through and discover entirely new options.  You may realize that the darkness ahead of you tapers out into a dead end and you have to back track. Or you might need to press forward as the cave narrows to a small tunnel, progressing on scraped knees, focused only on not hitting your head as you struggle to progress.

At times, you have more than a candle.  A flash-light clearly illuminates the details of the next week, not necessarily helping you see further, but clearer, with a better ability to anticipate what is ahead of you.  You just got the internship you were hoping for and you can envision the next three months ahead of you - including that steep climb as you go through training the first week.

Other times, the candle grows dim.  You barely make out the next step, crouching to ensure that the darkness near your feet is shadows instead of a pit.  Each day is a cautious walk, not even sure if you want to find out what is up ahead.

Christ has offered to be your guide as you make your way through this cave.  He wants you to learn, to feel free to explore, and to decide your own path at each fork.  Christ walks the path which he knows is best for you and give you the chance to follow.  He has already walked this path, struggling through the narrow tunnels, suffering up the steep climbs, so that he might help you.  And he glows with his own light so that you may always see him, no matter how dim your light may be.

Now here is where I must learn from my own metaphor:

I had learned to walk with the light of my candle.  I occasionally bumped my head on an unexpected stalactite, or took a detour to avoid a steep drop, but I knew what was ahead of me.  I went into work, I helped the customers, and I came home and spent time with friends.  And I knew that the next day and week and month would all bring the same thing.

Then I encountered the unexpected.  My cave intersected with someone else's.  He and I walked together for a while - our two candles better illuminating the cave around me.  My future still looked the same, but I could better see the beauties I walked past that made each day unique.

We decided to combine our candles, to make one lantern and hold it together.  That lantern gave me so much clarity.  Suddenly, I saw the many great promises God has blessed me, and the path ahead was so well illuminated that I could run towards them and I began to eagerly.

But my worst fear happened.  He decided he didn't want to carry the lantern with me.  I couldn't hold it on my own.  It fell.  It broke.  And I was left in total darkness.

For a short time, I tried to feel out the way before me.  But I ran into boulders and fell into pits and I didn't want to risk any more pain.  So I sat down and closed my eyes.  I believed there was nothing to see, so I didn't even try to look.  I felt nothing, I did nothing, and I got nowhere.

Weeks later - I finally opened my eyes.  And I saw my Savior waiting patiently in front of me, waiting for me to look to him again.  His eyes were filled with sympathy for my pain as he sat there in the dark with me.  But they were also filled with pleading that I would trust him again.  He said simply, "I don't expect you to run, or even jog, but I expect you to move.  Everything still awaits you; you must move toward it.  I know you cannot see it now, but it is still there."

He helped me to stand and begin moving again.  I wouldn't yet say that I've found my candle again, but Christ walks with me and illuminates what I need to see.  I can't see far ahead.  The hard climbs and steep falls approach suddenly and without warning.  But Christ stays with me - even on the days I only manage a step or two.

Faith is looking to him.  It is a habit developed when you have your own light and can see the path which he leads, then relied upon when your own light is weak and you need His light to see anything at all.  Faith is keeping your eyes open despite the darkness.

Hope is knowing that the things you once saw are still in front of you.  Hope is following Christ and trusting that, no matter how many detours or challenges are in the way, He will lead you to the promises you once saw.  Hope is knowing that, at the end of everything, Christ is leading you back into the presence of God, when you finally reach the opening to the cave and step out and see with the light of the Sun.

God has not taken anything from me, I'm just moving toward them a little (ok - a lot) slower than I wish I was.

Swedish Adventures: Days 13-15

Tuesday evening, we finally made it back from our epic road trip.  The rest of the trip was then spent around Stockholm and - to be honest - was somewhat less "thrilling".  But less thrilling was what all of us needed at that point.

Wednesday was our lay around the house and recover day.  Nothing exciting there.

On Thursday we headed out to a nearby island to visit the Vasa Museum (Huge warship which sunk in the 1600 but recovered in the 1960s and was miraculously well preserved), the ABBA Museum, and the zoo.

Friday was City Hall and the LDS Temple.  Sweden seems to take a great deal of pride in their city halls.  When researching places to see, basically every city recommends that you stop by and tour the city hall.  Stockholm's is especially incredible.  They hold the award banquet for the Nobel Prizes here and have a room entirely covered in a gold mosaic. We went to the temple in the afternoon.  I am truly grateful that temples cover the earth and provide members of the church with a place to serve, find peace, and seek guidance.

This trip has been incredible.  Part of me wants to stay forever, but another part is really excited to sleep in my own bed again soon.

Stockholm from the ferry which took us to the museums

The Vasa - a well preserved (previous) sunken ship

A full view of the "Gold Room" in City Hall

Closer view on one wall so you can see just how gold it was

(18 million gold-leaf tiles)

LDS Temple

Swedish Adventures: days 8-12

I haven't had much internet access the past few days.  After finally seeing the midnight sun- we went on a road trip through Norway! (Which I guess means the bulk of this part of the trip is not a Swedish adventure.)

On Day 8, we left Kiruna heading to Mo-I Rana, Norway.  However, we decided that we wanted to take the scenic route along the Lofoton Islands- enough of a scenic route that we wouldn't make it to Mo-i Rana until the next day. The Lofoton Islands are beautiful. In The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy, Slartibartfast claims that he won an award for having designed the coasts of Norway.  I probably would have given him and award too.

We drove along fjords, mountains, and narrow roads.  Several hours, 13 bridges, and 20 and 4 halves tunnels (half tunnel pictured below) we finally made it to Å, the town with the worlds shortest name (pronounced oh-uh...like uh-oh with the syllables flipped). Finally arriving around 1 am, we found a place to sleep for the night to resume our adventure the next day. 

We woke up early and jumped on a ferry to travel back to the mainland (4 hour ferry is faster than taking the scenic route back) and reached Bodø just in time for church.  After church, we headed off to Mo-I Rana.  However, we didn't actually get all the way to the city.  We stopped just outside at a nice little campsite at the base of a mountain. 

The next morning began with a short hike up the mountain and a tour of a cave. It was definitely one of the more interesting caves I have ever been in.  There was an underground waterfall for starters. Over seen several cave lakes and streams, but not a full fledge waterfall (pictures are on my camera- I'll post them when I get home. Additionally, the floor of the cave was nearly entirely covered in what felt like beach sand.  And the most interesting part was the granite boulder...in a cave in a mountain which contains no granite.  There is a lot of speculation, but no one is quite sure how a large granite boulder found it's way nearly half a kilometer into this cave. 

After our cave tour, the epic road trip finally turned back toward Sweden. The afternoon was all driving, but the last day of the trip was a little more exciting.  We stopped near Mora to view the Dala Horse factory. The Dala Horse is a common decoration among Swedish houses. They are hand carved and painted with bright colors and flowers. 

Our last stop was Mockfjard. We have ancestors from this little town, so we stopped in and looked around before finally heading home and falling asleep in our lovely beds. 

Waterfall as we came into Norway

Norway has a lot of troll statues...not sure why

Norwegian beach

This is a half-tunnel; we drove through 4 of these

half-tunnel from the outside

One of the less stable looking bridges we crossed

Sign with the shortest city name ever

Finally got a little sunlight the next day

Crossing back out of the arctic circle. More trolls

Cool monument marking the arctic circle

Dala Horses

Joshua on a giant dala horse

Talitha on a smaller mechanized dala horse

Swedish adventures: Midnight Sun

We saw it!!!! There it is- a picture of the sun at midnight.  The clouds rolled in an hour later and it's been raining for 3 hours now. But we saw it last night! I took a hundred or so pictures with my camera- so more will definitely be posted.