Dreams

For a week now I have waited to wake up from this nightmare.  As I begin moving from what would have been our apartment, as I go day after day without seeing him, the fact that this is my reality is finally sinking in.

This fact makes the previous 9 months of my life feel like a dream.  Now - instead of wishing I could wake up, I wish I could fall back asleep and just keep dreaming.  Like Cobb and Mal in Inception, just fall asleep and make the world into exactly what I want.

I went through today in a haze.  Inefficient sleep and insufficient meals are finally catching up with me (my two stress-habits which really only make a stressful situation worse).  I often found myself, having just finished up a task, staring numbly at an imaginary Mirror of Erised, thinking of what my life would have been like today if I had never woken up from my dream.

However, while staring into the Mirror of Erised, one must recall Dumbledore's warning: "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."  I am forgetting how to live and sometimes...I don't want to remember.  But the dream is over and I need to learn to live again because a bright and beautiful reality await me.  

Hard days

So - I may have said that I don't like writing depressing posts, but there may be several over the next few weeks.  Writing is therapeutic for me.  I have to get the thoughts out or they just circle around in my head driving me mad.

Today was a hard day.  I had to fill out paperwork to sell the contract for the apartment he and I were supposed to live in together.  I got a call informing me that my dress arrived and I needed to come in for a fitting.  And I spent my first day back home - in the place filled with memories which now cause only heartache.

However, today was, in a strange way, really good.  I was reminded, both today and throughout the weekend, that I am still surrounded by people who love me.  In 24 hours, my previous post was read more times than anything I have ever posted.  Sure - it was just over 200, nothing viral...but that means over 200 people love me enough to read it - and many even took the time to respond.

My coworkers took care of me today.  It was just those little things like saying hi and chatting with me, and inviting me over after work so I wouldn't be home alone in an apartment filled with shattered hope.  Those little things are the most important; they boost me, even if just enough to make it through the next hour until someone else comes and does the same.

Today was a hard day, but it helped me see just how blessed I am.

While I entered the beginning of what will probably be several hard days, Sheryl Sandberg was giving a speech at the Commencement ceremony at UC Berkeley specifically about making it through the hard days - the days that determine who you are (something which I am still deciding and promise I will post as soon as I have an idea).

For those of you who also are having a hard time, or know someone who is, please watch or share this video.  And feel free to share my posts.  Perhaps they will be as therapeutic to read as they are to write.

Who am I?

I have done a terrible job of keeping my blog up-to-date.  Life was just so wonderful, I never wanted to stop experiencing it to record it...but now the "wonderful" is over.  I have no record of it.  Admittedly, I'd rather forget it all right now, but I'm sure some day I will wish I had taken the time to record what was wonderful back when it was wonderful.

My fiance recently called off our wedding.  It was supposed to occur just over a month from now.  One day, my whole life was planned. Ok - not my whole life, but a lot of it.  I had a substantial number of short, mid, and long-term goals and they made sense and I was excited to work towards them with my best friend.  But then that day was gone - and with it my best friend, my wedding, and every single goal.

I am left hollow.

Who am I?

Life plans were shattered so completely that I have lost all desire to plan.  And I'm not just talking about long term plans.  I don't care about what I'm going to eat for dinner.  I don't want to think about what I'm going to do this weekend.  I decided to visit my parents so that I wouldn't have to make any plans, but they keep asking me when I'm 'planning' on going home.  I haven't planned that yet either.

But ...Of course - there has to be a 'but' in here - I don't like writing strictly depressing posts.

After attempting to avoid thinking about the emptiness I have felt, I realized something incredible.  I am left hollow.  Everything that I thought I was has been ripped from me.  Obviously, I would have preferred a less painful method than 'ripped from me', but now my slate is clean.  I can choose with what I refill myself.  I can let go of those things which I didn't like because they are already gone.  They can be replaced by all those things I always wished I was but for which I never the found space.  Deep down, I still contain my core: rainbows, astronomy, a sure knowledge that I am a child of God. These things will never change.  I can surround that core with something new.

I can decide.

Who am I?

I'll let you know soon.