Tunnel Vision - Part 2

The metaphorical epiphany continues.

For those needing background information, read part 1 by clicking HERE.

In part 1 of this metaphor, I mention a period of time in which I lost the light which I relied upon to traverse the caves of life.  In my frustration and pain, I sat down, shut my eyes, and gave up for a little while.

There were (and still are) wonderful people in my life who approached me as I sat there with my eyes closed tight against the trials which I didn't want to see. They offered help, they offered comfort, and they offered to walk with me for a time and let me see with their candles.  But I didn't yet have the will to move or the strength to open my eyes. I still believed that if I kept them closed long enough, I would realize it was just a nightmare and wake up and the pain would be gone.  And so these wonderful people, understandably frustrated with my non-responsiveness, said "Call me", "Let me know if you ever need to talk", and "I'm here for you", and then walked on.

Now - in case I haven't been clear enough - these people are wonderful people who I am eternally grateful for. These offers came from close friends, dear family, and even casual acquaintances who desired to help someone that they saw was suffering. They did what they could to help.

Weeks later - I finally opened my eyes. My Savior had been sitting with me and he helped me to get up and move again, but looking around, I knew the light of my friends' candles had long faded into the distance. I could no longer remember who had told me to call them when I needed help and part of me felt that, having once turned down their offer, I no longer deserved the help I had been offered. When something as simple as a Friday night alone faced me like an insurmountable climb, I believed it was my punishment for having turned down help when it was offered.

But some of those wonderful people understood my grief. They didn't say "Call me" and walk away. They instead picked me up and took me swimsuit shopping on July 4th so that I wouldn't spend the holiday alone. They texted me and told me they needed my help to make a cake or clean their kitchen or just drive while they confided in me their own pain. They did not wait for me to call them. They came back and found me in the dark and walked with me. They let me share their candles and eventually helped me to re-light mine.

I again walk by the light of my own candle. The darkness and jagged terrain of deep grief have passed me. But they taught me something about grief that I hope to never forget.

Sometimes, the hardest part of grief is a few weeks after the initial wound.  Sometimes, the hardest part is when you accept the events as real life instead of a nightmare and you get up and try to walk again.  You have not forfeited help because it was offered before you needed it, but I know how hard it is to admit that you still need it. I hope I always remember that, so that I can return and walk with you.

#18 Glitter

In light of being home for the holidays - I've allowed myself to enjoy the day-to-day miracles and the people that I am spending them with instead of writing them all down. But I will try to get to a few. This one is from earlier this month, but I had to wait for the awesome picture before posting it.

Technically, the miracle isn't the glitter itself. The miracle is working at a place with fancy enough parties that you can justify wearing a ton of glitter. The miracle is having a friend who will apply all the glitter for you since you never bothered to figure out this whole 'make-up' thing. The miracle is that the glitter stayed on for the whole evening but still came off my eyelids that night with a good washing. A slight consequence of the miracle was that it took another week to get it all out of my hair.

#17 Oh Christmas Tree

Although I am trying to see the miracles every day, sometimes I miss them. Sometimes I miss them because I'm just not paying enough attention, and other times I miss them because I haven't seen the full effect of the miracle. The event occurred on one day, but the real miracle was the long-term influence of the event in my life.

Earlier this week, I helped a friend pick out and decorate a Christmas tree.  I've never had a real tree before, so I welcomed the new adventure. The evening passed quickly as we wrapped the tree in lights and dug ornaments out of dusty boxes. An evening which may otherwise have been spent crocheting and watching Netflix was instead filled by creating memories. I went to sleep that night unaware of the miracle I had just been given.

As the week continued, busy with work and preparing to visit family, I found my thoughts clearer than expected (especially considering I had stayed up way too late and definitely did not get enough sleep). I no longer felt stressed with everything that needed to be done before the holidays. The gloom which normally approaches with the cold weather and the long nights had abated. 

My heart became light and looking back on the week, I noticed that the turning point came when picking out a tree and taking time to smell the pine, laughing at the trail of needles, and enjoying a cup of hot cocoa. 

Setting up my own tree brought the Christmas spirit into my heart, but I hadn't realized that I had lost it. So God gave me the chance to set up another, a miracle to bring the Christmas spirit back. And wonderful new memories along with it.

#16 Two free tickets to see Rogue One tomorrow night.

'Nuff said.

Ok - not quite enough said - Thanks Michael!!!!!

#13 - 15 Retreat

This past weekend was one huge miracle bundled around a dozen smaller ones. I figured I could justifiably count it as 3 since there were three days and each had a distinct miracle.


On Friday - my friends and I drove up into the mountains to chill and hangout at a fancy cabin/condo thing for our girls retreat. As we began this adventure...I began to feel a little weary. My friends were using this weekend retreat as a chance to take a break from husbands, kids, households. What was I retreating from? The three dirty dishes I left in the sink? But I quickly discovered that, even though I have no children and can't discuss parenting techniques, I can still be there to listen to my friends when they need to talk things through.  Anyways - that wasn't Friday's miracle, just a brief side-story.


Friday's miracle was that we made it to our destination. As we drove up the mountain, the roads became icy and slick. We drove with caution, keeping slow enough that we were in no physical danger, but sometimes, we hit a patch of ice and listened to the tires spin without getting us anywhere. As the rode became steeper and icier, thoughts of a need to call it quits and turn around began to form. Somehow, the tires found traction and we finally reached our retreat destination.


Saturday was snowy. Despite crazy conversations and nail painting and hair braiding and the blizzard outside, there was a calm sense of peace.  I could look out the windows and watch the snow swirl while remaining warm inside with good food and great company. I might not have had anything to retreat from, but I discovered what I was retreating too, and was rejuvenated by the peace which surrounded me.


Sunday's miracle was that it stopped snowing. Everything was covered. But we had shovels and snow plows and nice people who did the shoveling and snowplowing for us.  The cars emerged from the snow and we came down the mountains on clear, dry roads. Sometimes, the miracles make the journey, other times, they are the journey itself.


PS - I reached miracle #15 before the 1 month mark, not too bad.

#12 Lost and Found

The last week or so, I have developed the bad habit of coming home, checking the mail, and throwing the pile of newly received mail in one of several locations. Today's miracle reminded me that God cares about us, even when we are letting ourselves develop these types of bad habits.

As usual, I got home, checked the mail, dropped it somewhere...about an hour later, I remembered that one item of mail was a bill I needed to pay and should probably do so now before forgetting.

Remembering that I had this bill to pay also reminded me that over the last week or so, I have received a few bills I needed to pay. A subtle sense of panic set in - I had no idea where these bills ended up.

I wandered around my house picking up every pile of mail I could find, sorted it all out on the table, and by some miracle, found all of them (or at least all that I can remember...I really hope it's all of them). I couldn't find anything else that came with the bill - no newsletters or advertising or even the envelop they provide to send your bill back in. But each bill was there.

So - as miserable as paying bills might be, it is a miracle when you find them all and can pay them before the overdue date (and then set up auto-pay, which is a greatly appreciated miracle)

#11 Awake and Alert

Today, I felt very awake and alert. I feel this way most days, so why is this particular instance a miracle?

Last night - I didn't sleep well. I went to bed on time, but just couldn't seem to get to sleep. I tried falling asleep to NCIS, which normally helps me fall asleep pretty quick. But when I made it through 2 episodes, I made myself turn it off and go to sleep...except I didn't sleep. As soon as NCIS was off, my brain was on. Running through things I had to do this week and things I didn't do this weekend and one of those annoy Christmas songs was stuck in my head, the kind where they just repeat the same 6 words over and over.  I tried laying on my back, I tried rolling over on my stomach, I tried counting sheep. Nothing was working.

Around 1 AM I gave up and turned NCIS back on.  It worked this time, I only got through half an episode or so before I was asleep. But it wasn't very restful sleep. I tossed and turned. I kicked all the covers off then woke up freezing and had to find them and put them back on (and turn off NCIS which was 2 episodes past where I had fallen asleep by this point). Then I fell back asleep and had the oddest dream where I had to elope in order to save the world from hyper-intelligent two-headed snakes. My minds comes up with the most bizarre dreams; that isn't even the strangest. I woke up from that with the dreaded wide-awake-I-must-have-slept-through-my-alarm sensation, only to realize it was 5 AM. I somehow managed to fall back asleep because the two-headed snakes were back and trying to get on the pirate ship before we could set sail. Then my alarm went off at 6.

I got out of bed, gave myself an F for "Ability to Sleep," and got ready for work certain that today would be as miserable as the night was...but hopefully without the snakes...or the eloping. My miracle today was that I was dead wrong (about the miserable day, I was right about the lack of snakes and eloping).  I wasn't tired. I wasn't exhausted. I was just fine.  And sometimes, being just fine is all you can ask for.

#10 I'm single for Christmas

Well...I guess the fact that I'm single isn't really a miracle...the miracle is rather realizing the blessings that come from being single for Christmas.  It's been tough for me to notice...

Some would claim that you no longer have to stress about what to get them - but I really enjoy thinking of and getting gifts for those I love.

So, you may be asking, "What is the blessing?"  For the last 3 Christmases, I have been in a relationship (different relationship each Christmas...). As Christmas break approached, the vacation always felt bitter sweet.  I was excited to see family, but not excited about a week or two without the guy I loved.  Conversations leading up to the break involved how often we would call and when we would both get back from separate vacations and be able to see each other again. I was excited for the vacation, but more excited to get back from it.

This year, I have no one that I'm leaving behind. The world is filled with snow and Christmas songs. I set up my tree - picking out all the ornaments myself.  I've got nearly all my gifts picked out.  And I am SO excited to go home for Christmas and see the people who love me.  Though I may not have the specific type of relationship I want, I still have so many people who love me.  I have found myself more in the Christmas Spirit than I have felt for years.

...that is, except when All I Want for Christmas is You comes on. I hate that song...

#9 I understand a little French

And when I say a little, I mean the tiniest amount. I took two years of French, back in 8th and 9th grade. I feel old admitting it - but that was almost half my lifetime ago.  On a standard day, I can remember the basics - bonjour, merci, and the random and mostly useless pomme de terre (potato).

I am currently working on a special training project for my job. I created 7 training videos and am now in the process of recreating them in French. Basically - I was provided with the audio recording of the script and I am synchronizing it with the video.  I was not selected to do this job because of my extensive knowledge of French. I made the English videos, so I am making the French ones too.

But today, I experienced a miracle. I can understand the French script. Not entirely, but enough that it actually isn't difficult to edit the video.

Admittedly, part of it is luck with the words in the video. There are enough non-translated words (like email) and enough cognates (graph translates to graphic) that I can tell when certain phrases are said when comparing it to the English script. But luck is also a miracle in it's own way. I could have used different words when writing the original script. I could have said line-chart instead of graph.

And that's another part of it - I wrote the original script, so I know what it is supposed to say.

But it's more than luck and familiarity. Long forgotten knowledge is being brought to memory. I am so grateful for this miracle which is making my job much easier.

#7 & 8: A house full of family & an empty one

Sometimes, a miracle is all about the timing. I had the blessing of hosting my family this year for Thanksgiving (and my nephew's 2nd birthday!). Having everyone together was a huge miracle that allowed me to reflect on many other miracles that allowed this to happen.

But at the same time, a little alone time is nice too. My family was around for just short enough that I was sad to see them go, but just long enough that walking into an empty living room, sitting on the couch, and enjoying the silence was a miracle too.

#6 A Moment of Recollection

Today's miracle was a simple moment of recollection. These are some of the easiest miracles to overlook, because it's just a thought.  But they are some of the most important miracles, because it is the right thought brought to clarity at the right moment to change our lives.

It snowed today. On one hand...probably my right hand, you know - the dominate thoughts...I'm not too happy about snow. Mostly, I just don't like the cold and it kinda has to be cold to snow.  I grew up in the desert where snow (and cold for that matter) are something that you visit for a day or so, then return home where a sweatshirt can get you through the day.

But on the other hand - I can't deny it's beauty. My world is covered in 3-4 inches, with more promised tonight.  Hard edges become soft. Imperfections are buried. Eventually, everything is just a smooth, calm, white. I walk through a snow covered night, with sounds muffled and light enhanced. It feels enchanted.

And in that moment, a simple thought is brought to mind, Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:1

Except, the odd thing was, when the phrase came to mind, it was altered slightly. "though your scars be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow."

Suddenly, I understood something I have long known.  No matter how scarred, damaged, hurt, or beat I might get - God promises the peace, serenity, and enchantment of the night of the first heavy snowfall.  He will cover it all up and let me walk in tranquility. And - if I let him - he will heal me so that the scars and damage and hurt are gone when the snow melts.

#5 Rain

Rain is a miracle, one of my favorites. Presently, like the roses, it reminds me that it isn't yet freezing outside (a nice change from last Thursday when it actually snowed). The rain has always fascinated me, so today, I'd like to share some of my thoughts on rain that I wrote 7 years ago...

I love rain. I love the clouds and I love getting soaking wet while walking between classes. I love falling asleep to the sounds of a storm and the smell of rain in the valley. I believe that being raised in the desert has led me to love the rain so much, especially after considering my mom's account that as I child I treated rain much the same way as the wicked witch of the west might have. Now that I'm older, I would prefer to be outside when it starts to pour.

My favorite type of rain is a thunder storm. There's the lightning that illuminates the whole sky and thunder so loud it causes the house to rattle. Then there is the wind that tries it's hardest to prevent the raindrops from ever touching the ground. Lastly, the simple sound of the water slamming against the windows, the roof, the leaves on the tree. I think the display of natural power is incredible. It is pure strength, not man-made or manufactured in anyway, and impossible to prevent. Afterwords, the sky clears and the air is clean. The plants gently drip the water they have caught and glitter a fresh, bright green, unobstructed by dust and dirt that has built up. The sun breaks through the dispersing clouds and reflects of the wet grass causing it to shimmer like a green sea.

When most people think of a bad day, they relate it to a cold, gray, rainy day, much like the weather I am experiencing right now. I have a different outlook. When I think of a bad day, I think of a fire. First, there is the initial mild shock that lets you know today won't end quite as you hoped. Then the sense of displacement that occurs when you want to curl up in your bed and hide, but realize that you can't. Finally, after giving up the thought of hiding and wanting to disappear into your favorite book, that is when hopelessness starts to set in. You realize your favorite book is destroyed, along with your favorite stuffed animals, favorite outfit, favorite picture hanging on the wall. You feel like there is nothing you can do to save yourself. Then, someone comes up to you, and they give you a hug. Just a simple hug. You can close your eyes and hide from the world and let their arms protect you from the mental fire you fear will destroy you as efficiently as it destroyed everything else.

This is when the rain comes in. It puts out the fires and cools the still simmering coals. It cleans the air of the smoke and dust. It washes away the ash, and the dirt, and the tear stains running down your cheeks. The water nourishes the wounded plants and the clouds protect from the scorching sun. I can see why you might think it unusual for me to be so thankful for this cold, constant rain. But when your life burns down around you, there is nothing better than waking up to the soft rhythmic sound of raindrops on the window.

#4 Perfectly timed messages

This is actually yesterday's miracle, so I may post another miracle for today this evening.

I had to work yesterday. Well, I didn't have to, but I have fallen behind in a few projects that are due at the end of this month, so I chose to go into work and try and get caught up. I'm really grateful that I do not regularly have to work on Saturdays.

After several hours of work and some reasonable progress on my projects (still behind, but not as badly now), I was ready to go have "Saturday." I started messaging people to find something Saturday-esq to do and received a response inviting me out to dinner with a group of friends. At this point, I suddenly realize I'm starving.

Now, had the message not been sent, I could have easily gone home and made myself something to eat to solve the problem. Or- had the message been sent half an hour later, I would have gone home and made myself something to eat and missed out on a chance to spend the evening with good friends while eating good food.  The message was perfectly timed to not only satisfy my physical hunger, but also my emotional hunger after a long lonely day at the office.

I also consider it a minor miracle that I did not have any left-overs to take home...or perhaps just evidence of how starving I was...

#3 Ordinary Miracle

I am a firm believer that "Shuffle" proves there is a God. Of all the thousands of songs I have on my playlist that I'm listening to on shuffle, the right one always seems to come up at just the right time.  Today's miracle is one such moment.

I was at work. Things were busy and hectic and I let myself get wrapped in what needed to be done.  Then one of my favorite songs began to play - Ordinary Miracle, from the live action Charlotte's Web (which I haven't actually seen yet, but the song is good).  It had perfect timing, playing at the exact moment when I needed to step back and remember that life is about noticing the ordinary miracles, like my car still working and the roses still blooming.

#2 My car keeps starting

While driving to a church activity last night, my brake light and battery light suddenly both turn on. I arrive at the church, pull out the owner's manual, and try to figure out what the cryptic light pattern refer to.

If the brake light is on...you left your parking brake on or you are running low on brake fluid.  Maybe the two lights aren't related so I double check my parking brake, it's not on. I try putting it on and taking it off again because that works with computers. No change.  I open the hood, locate the brake fluid, and verify that it's not running low. Back to the manual.

If the brake light and ABS light are on...Stop driving immediately; your brakes are going to die any minute now!!!!! Well, the ABS light isn't on, so I guess I don't have to walk home from the church. This is good news.

Absolutely nothing about brake light and battery light at the same time. Google to the rescue! Type in the model of the car and the two lights that are blinking at me and learn that it's an early warning sign that my alternator is about to die, which means my battery might not be charging correctly and one of these days my car just won't turn on.

Wonderful - I know what the problem is, but it is 7:30 at night and I have plans from 7 AM to 10:30 PM the next day.

I definitely know this is one of those things I want to fix ASAP, but in all my driving today, my car has continued to turn on successfully every time. Definitely a miracle - and one that I will pray continues until I get a chance to buy an alternator and find someone with the right tools to help me replace it.

#1 November Roses, a multi-faceted miracle

There are some miracles that surround us every day, yet we do not take the time to enjoy them.  Roses are one of those miracles.

Today, I consider this miracle to be multi-faceted because it is a miracle on so many different levels and each level has it's own type of miracle and reason to feel gratitude for it.

First - the title miracle.

It is November and the roses are still in full bloom.  The pictures included here are were taken today as I left work. These roses aren't the last few stragglers on plant preparing to shut down for the winter. These are huge, vibrant blooms and they are every where. This means, not only do I get to enjoy roses, but it is warm enough to want to be outside and enjoy roses.  I'm not much of a cold-weather person, so any evidence of warm weather is a miracle to me.

Next - the ability to experience the simple beauty of a rose.

There are roses in this world. They come in hundreds of colors and dozens of sizes. And I have eyes that can see those colors, the gradation from one color to another, and the perfect pattern the rose forms.  I have skin that can feel the soft velvety petals, the dozens and dozens of petals. With my nose, I can smell the perfume they give off. A smell which we have learned to capture and replicate, but never quite matches the warm, sunlight scent of a rose garden.  I have a phone that can capture the image. And who knows - maybe this device once intended for talking will someday capture and convey that smell to you too.


Finally - stop and smell the roses.

These rose bushes are at work. I walk past them almost every day as I leave the office (not quite every day because sometimes I walk out of different doors). After a full day of work, I can put it all down, walk away, and literally stop to smell the roses before returning home. It gives me a moment to think, to relax, to set everything aside and see the miracle of a rose.

They aren't just beautiful. They aren't just blooming into November.  They are blooming when and where I can see them and appreciate them every day. That is such an incredible miracle and witness to me that God knows who I am and cares enough to put roses along my path.

Take the time to smell the roses before winter comes.

A Thousand Miracles

The above quote is the cover of my journal.  When I pull it out to write, the quote reminds me to think of the miracles in my life, to record them so that I can remember them, and to be grateful for them. 

Unfortunately, much like my blog, my journal has been neglected.  The biggest miracle of my life was occurring and I was spending too much time enjoying it to write any of it down. 

Unlike my blog, I didn't return to my journal when I learned that the miracle wouldn't occur. I can justify being vague on my blog, since it is public. I can write what is occurring in the moment and only briefly mention the events that lead up to the moment. I feel as though I don't have the same excuses with a journal - that I ought to be specific regarding where I am now and how I came to be here. I've been afraid to reevaluate those wounds so my journal has gone untouched for 11 months.

And now I feel guilty for the miracles which I have failed to record...which makes me less eager to pick up my journal and attempt to write it all down. Vicious cycle.

Because there have been miracles.  So many miracles.

I've managed to sell two housing contracts within two weeks of realizing I needed to sell them. I've moved into a beautiful home. I've made wonderful friends in each new place I've lived.

I ran a half marathon (and trust me - with how often my training schedule was interrupted, this really was a miracle)

My family came to visit and I got to zip-line across a lake at 60 miles an hour.

I went on a road trip to Sweden and Norway (all recorded on my blog, but none of it made it into my journal).

My nephew is talking now and I always believe watching children grow is a miracle. Especially when I get cute videos of him saying things.

Point being - miracles happen every day and I want to make sure they are recorded.  So - here is my next big blogging project - A Thousand Miracles (in approximately a thousand days. I'm going to try and write daily but I know there will be days when that just doesn't happen. There will also be days when I need to write an epiphany or something and therefore won't write a miracle-specific post since I will have already done another post that day)

I will still share posts which are really meaningful and impactful to me, but to avoid clogging my Facebook feed - I will not be posting the links to all of them there. Feel free to visit occasionally to get caught up or follow the blog to be notified of new posts.

Each days is filled with miracles. I'm just going to tell you about one thousand of them.

You Didn't Win

One of my favorite 'break-up' songs is ABBA's "The Winner Takes it All." If you haven't heard it before - take the time to listen before continuing to read.

It's my favorite for several reasons:

• It is an ABBA song, which is one of very few bands who I can recognize almost all of the songs of.
• I can belt it at the top of my lungs and feel strong and powerful despite being heartbroken.
• I feel like it does a good job of describing how I feel when I'm heartbroken. I played all my cards, I did the best I could, I followed the rules, and somehow I lost everything. You made me feel safe, you promised me the future, but you took it all with you and left me with nothing.

That being said - today, this song is wrong. Because you didn't win.

You and I played a game. A game that I thought was one of those collaborative games, you know - players against the board where we are trying to win together. I thought we were winning...until you revealed the real game.  I never figured out how I was supposed to win, you never explained it to me. But you made it clear how you were trying to win...

...you wanted me to hate you.

We made promises, but you broke them.

We created plans, and then you ripped them to shreds.

You left me stranded to clean up the mess.

You claimed you'd earn my trust again.

You made promises again but didn't even bother to remember what they were.

You lied and kept secrets.

You needed to make me hate you....

...so that you could feel justified in hating yourself.

And it was working for a while.  I was so mad.  Not so much at the lies and broken promises, but because you were gone and you weren't supposed to be. I finally reached level 25 in Pokemon Go and I got a Snorlax, but you weren't there to celebrate with me. I watched the Flash and figured out why Joe's last name matters and had to imagine your reaction. I saw Dr. Strange and didn't have you to discuss it with for hours afterwards.

BUT YOU DIDN'T WIN!

I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you anymore.  I just feel bad because you have missed out on so much.  I have had a blast and even if I wish you were there to share in it with all my heart, why should I hate you when my life is awesome and you aren't here for it.  You didn't take it all.  In time, you won't have taken anything from me.  I have everything I need right now, and someday - I will have it all back.

I still miss you every now and then. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently so that you would have been a part of all those memories. But I'm done playing your game. I'm not going to let you win. Go ahead, hate yourself. I am not going to give you excuses or justifications.

I don't hate you.

You didn't win.

Tunnel Vision - an Epiphany

I have had an epiphany - one which takes the form of a metaphor.

Life is a walk through an unknown cave.  I believe, for the most part, you walk with a candle (Something I don't recommend; if you are actually walking through a cave, you should have a much better light source).  The candle allows you to see, even if just a little, into your future.  You can't make out everything, but you get the gist of what life will be like for the next little while.  For example, when you start high school - you have an idea of what the next year will be like, though you can't see the details each day will bring.

Of course, the candle only gives you a general idea of what may happen.  You may approach an opening in the cave wall which you choose to slip through and discover entirely new options.  You may realize that the darkness ahead of you tapers out into a dead end and you have to back track. Or you might need to press forward as the cave narrows to a small tunnel, progressing on scraped knees, focused only on not hitting your head as you struggle to progress.

At times, you have more than a candle.  A flash-light clearly illuminates the details of the next week, not necessarily helping you see further, but clearer, with a better ability to anticipate what is ahead of you.  You just got the internship you were hoping for and you can envision the next three months ahead of you - including that steep climb as you go through training the first week.

Other times, the candle grows dim.  You barely make out the next step, crouching to ensure that the darkness near your feet is shadows instead of a pit.  Each day is a cautious walk, not even sure if you want to find out what is up ahead.

Christ has offered to be your guide as you make your way through this cave.  He wants you to learn, to feel free to explore, and to decide your own path at each fork.  Christ walks the path which he knows is best for you and give you the chance to follow.  He has already walked this path, struggling through the narrow tunnels, suffering up the steep climbs, so that he might help you.  And he glows with his own light so that you may always see him, no matter how dim your light may be.

Now here is where I must learn from my own metaphor:

I had learned to walk with the light of my candle.  I occasionally bumped my head on an unexpected stalactite, or took a detour to avoid a steep drop, but I knew what was ahead of me.  I went into work, I helped the customers, and I came home and spent time with friends.  And I knew that the next day and week and month would all bring the same thing.

Then I encountered the unexpected.  My cave intersected with someone else's.  He and I walked together for a while - our two candles better illuminating the cave around me.  My future still looked the same, but I could better see the beauties I walked past that made each day unique.

We decided to combine our candles, to make one lantern and hold it together.  That lantern gave me so much clarity.  Suddenly, I saw the many great promises God has blessed me, and the path ahead was so well illuminated that I could run towards them and I began to eagerly.

But my worst fear happened.  He decided he didn't want to carry the lantern with me.  I couldn't hold it on my own.  It fell.  It broke.  And I was left in total darkness.

For a short time, I tried to feel out the way before me.  But I ran into boulders and fell into pits and I didn't want to risk any more pain.  So I sat down and closed my eyes.  I believed there was nothing to see, so I didn't even try to look.  I felt nothing, I did nothing, and I got nowhere.

Weeks later - I finally opened my eyes.  And I saw my Savior waiting patiently in front of me, waiting for me to look to him again.  His eyes were filled with sympathy for my pain as he sat there in the dark with me.  But they were also filled with pleading that I would trust him again.  He said simply, "I don't expect you to run, or even jog, but I expect you to move.  Everything still awaits you; you must move toward it.  I know you cannot see it now, but it is still there."

He helped me to stand and begin moving again.  I wouldn't yet say that I've found my candle again, but Christ walks with me and illuminates what I need to see.  I can't see far ahead.  The hard climbs and steep falls approach suddenly and without warning.  But Christ stays with me - even on the days I only manage a step or two.

Faith is looking to him.  It is a habit developed when you have your own light and can see the path which he leads, then relied upon when your own light is weak and you need His light to see anything at all.  Faith is keeping your eyes open despite the darkness.

Hope is knowing that the things you once saw are still in front of you.  Hope is following Christ and trusting that, no matter how many detours or challenges are in the way, He will lead you to the promises you once saw.  Hope is knowing that, at the end of everything, Christ is leading you back into the presence of God, when you finally reach the opening to the cave and step out and see with the light of the Sun.

God has not taken anything from me, I'm just moving toward them a little (ok - a lot) slower than I wish I was.

Swedish Adventures: Days 13-15

Tuesday evening, we finally made it back from our epic road trip.  The rest of the trip was then spent around Stockholm and - to be honest - was somewhat less "thrilling".  But less thrilling was what all of us needed at that point.

Wednesday was our lay around the house and recover day.  Nothing exciting there.

On Thursday we headed out to a nearby island to visit the Vasa Museum (Huge warship which sunk in the 1600 but recovered in the 1960s and was miraculously well preserved), the ABBA Museum, and the zoo.

Friday was City Hall and the LDS Temple.  Sweden seems to take a great deal of pride in their city halls.  When researching places to see, basically every city recommends that you stop by and tour the city hall.  Stockholm's is especially incredible.  They hold the award banquet for the Nobel Prizes here and have a room entirely covered in a gold mosaic. We went to the temple in the afternoon.  I am truly grateful that temples cover the earth and provide members of the church with a place to serve, find peace, and seek guidance.

This trip has been incredible.  Part of me wants to stay forever, but another part is really excited to sleep in my own bed again soon.

Stockholm from the ferry which took us to the museums

The Vasa - a well preserved (previous) sunken ship

A full view of the "Gold Room" in City Hall

Closer view on one wall so you can see just how gold it was

(18 million gold-leaf tiles)

LDS Temple

Swedish Adventures: days 8-12

I haven't had much internet access the past few days.  After finally seeing the midnight sun- we went on a road trip through Norway! (Which I guess means the bulk of this part of the trip is not a Swedish adventure.)

On Day 8, we left Kiruna heading to Mo-I Rana, Norway.  However, we decided that we wanted to take the scenic route along the Lofoton Islands- enough of a scenic route that we wouldn't make it to Mo-i Rana until the next day. The Lofoton Islands are beautiful. In The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy, Slartibartfast claims that he won an award for having designed the coasts of Norway.  I probably would have given him and award too.

We drove along fjords, mountains, and narrow roads.  Several hours, 13 bridges, and 20 and 4 halves tunnels (half tunnel pictured below) we finally made it to Å, the town with the worlds shortest name (pronounced oh-uh...like uh-oh with the syllables flipped). Finally arriving around 1 am, we found a place to sleep for the night to resume our adventure the next day. 

We woke up early and jumped on a ferry to travel back to the mainland (4 hour ferry is faster than taking the scenic route back) and reached Bodø just in time for church.  After church, we headed off to Mo-I Rana.  However, we didn't actually get all the way to the city.  We stopped just outside at a nice little campsite at the base of a mountain. 

The next morning began with a short hike up the mountain and a tour of a cave. It was definitely one of the more interesting caves I have ever been in.  There was an underground waterfall for starters. Over seen several cave lakes and streams, but not a full fledge waterfall (pictures are on my camera- I'll post them when I get home. Additionally, the floor of the cave was nearly entirely covered in what felt like beach sand.  And the most interesting part was the granite boulder...in a cave in a mountain which contains no granite.  There is a lot of speculation, but no one is quite sure how a large granite boulder found it's way nearly half a kilometer into this cave. 

After our cave tour, the epic road trip finally turned back toward Sweden. The afternoon was all driving, but the last day of the trip was a little more exciting.  We stopped near Mora to view the Dala Horse factory. The Dala Horse is a common decoration among Swedish houses. They are hand carved and painted with bright colors and flowers. 

Our last stop was Mockfjard. We have ancestors from this little town, so we stopped in and looked around before finally heading home and falling asleep in our lovely beds. 

Waterfall as we came into Norway

Norway has a lot of troll statues...not sure why

Norwegian beach

This is a half-tunnel; we drove through 4 of these

half-tunnel from the outside

One of the less stable looking bridges we crossed

Sign with the shortest city name ever

Finally got a little sunlight the next day

Crossing back out of the arctic circle. More trolls

Cool monument marking the arctic circle

Dala Horses

Joshua on a giant dala horse

Talitha on a smaller mechanized dala horse

Swedish adventures: Midnight Sun

We saw it!!!! There it is- a picture of the sun at midnight.  The clouds rolled in an hour later and it's been raining for 3 hours now. But we saw it last night! I took a hundred or so pictures with my camera- so more will definitely be posted.

 

Swedish Adventures: days 5-7

Wow! I didn't realize I had been vacation for a whole week until I wrote out the title of this post. It has been an incredible week! 

Wednesday consisted entirely of driving through Sweden. Beautiful country. We started the day in Stockholm and ended in Kiruna, the north-most major city in Sweden.  We even crossed the largest suspension bridge in Sweden.

Our primary goal in Kiruna is to see the midnight sun. From late May to mid-July, the sun doesn't set in Kiruna. I'm obviously catching the tail-end of this event. We stayed up last night hoping to see the sun not-set, but the clouds refused to budge. We are making one last attempt tonight, praying that the sky might remain clear. Tonight is our last shot (it's supposed to rain all weekend) so I'm really hopin for clear skies.

Even without them, Kiruna has been fun to visit. We saw the Kiruna church, a beautiful traditional-style building built in the early 1900s.  We took a short trip out of Kiruna visit a Sami museum and learn about the native Sami people who live here and herd reindeer. I even had a chance to let a reindeer eat out of my hand.

After seeing the reindeer, we returned to Kiruna to enjoy a dinner of local cuisine: reindeer, moose, and wild boar.  The reindeer was probably the most tender "steak" I have ever had an opportunity to eat. We finished the meal off with ice cream and warm cloudberries- which have a texture much like raspberries, but tastes like peaches when cooked into peach cobbler. I am happy.

It is almost 10 pm locally. The sky is mostly clear...with a patch of clouds taunting me right by the sun.  Fortunately, the sun will move further north in the next two hours. This is one of the most interesting aspects of Kiruna. The sun appears to be an hour from setting just north of due west around 8 pm. It then moves almost horizontal for the next 4 hours, slowly dipping closer and closer to the horizon.  Though I didn't see the sun last night, the sky appeared much as a normal sunset would- then began to grow steadily brighter as the sun began a slow climb back up and south. Hopefully- I will get some good pictures tonight to show everyone. 

Suspension bridge

The van in which we are experiencing this epic road trip

The steeple of the Kiruna church.

Beer and Dreams

I don't drink alcohol, and as I result, I've never tried beer or wine or any other alcoholic beverage.  I've never had much of a desire to even try beer- in the few times I've been aroubd it, the smell has been enough to squash all curiosity...but Sweden has beer-flavored soda which I was informed "had to be tried as part of the Swedish cultural experience." I was satisfied to discover that it tastes much like it smells and I have even less desire now to ever try real beer.

The champagne-flavored soda, on the other hand, was incredible! Almost the taste of a Martinelli but with 12 times the carbonation. 

After being exposed to a little of the "Swedish experience", we headed off to bed.  I was exhausted at this point. My flight left at 5:30 Monday evening and arrived at noon on Tuesday; unfortunately, I had not slept much on the plane. So- my head hit the pillow around 9:30 and I was probably unconscious by 9:31.

In the past month or so- I actually haven't dreamt much.  My day was often emotionally taxing enough that my mind just shut down all together once I fell asleep.  Previously, when I did dream, I always knew they were dreams from their sheer absurdity- like traveling to the moon by being launched from a circus cannon or riding the Pirates of the Carribean ride at Disneyland in an inner tube. Today's dream started absurd, but after driving home in my English-style hover-car, I walked into my parents kitchen and helped my ex-fiancé and my mother make dinner.  It was so normal. There were dirty dishes and missing cabinet doors and we couldn't find the worcestershire sauce in the fridge. We laughed and talked and just sat around acting like a family.  It felt so real.

Then I woke up and he wasn't there and it was 3:30 in the morning and the sun was rising...it was too much for my brain to handle at once. After a vain attempt to fall back asleep, I sit here- my body saying "sun's coming up, let's get up too" while my brain responds "it's 4 am, go back to bed; you're going to regret this in a few hours."

View from my room at 3:30 AM

Swedish adventures: day 3&4

Well- I made it to Stockholm! The 10 hour flight really wasn't that bad. I even got a bit of sleep (and a lot of cross stitching...).  I arrived just after noon (local time) and we've been taking the full tour to get back to the house which has given me a chance to see a lot of Stockholm. It's beautiful! I've included a few pictures here of what I've seen so far.

Photos from the Zoo

 

Swedish Adventures: Day 1

Admittedly, today's adventures were not very Swedish. But the vacation has officially begun! I flew out to California last night so that I might first spend a weekend with my brother and his family in their new home.

My flight arrived around 12:30 last night. My brother picked me up and brought me to their house and I headed off to sleep pretty soon after. I then woke up just before 8 because the sun was up and my nephew was awake so why stay asleep.

The morning began with the grand tour of the house and breakfast. Next, we played around with my brother's virtual reality headset.  This was followed by a long walk trying to shake off the lingering motion sickness.

The afternoon was spent at the zoo.  We had so much fun. My nephew is getting Old enough to notice and find interest in the animals.  My favorite was the fruit bats in which he repeatedly waved and said "hi", waiting for a response. (He didn't do this with any other animal- just the bats). Just outside the zoo is a park designed to look like animals: elephant slide, turtle to climb, etc.  It's a rare opportunity to take a picture of you nephew crawling in a hippos mouth. Pictures to come- as soon as I can figure out how to do so from my phone...

Bipolar

To my knowledge, I am not actually bipolar.  But I once had a friend who was and, based on his description, this past week has given me the tiniest taste of what it might be like.

I decided last week that I'm going to Sweden.  I have friends who currently live there and invite me out to visit every time we talk.  It was time to take them up on the offer and get out of town for a bit.  The idea bounced around in my head for a week or two when a sudden, firm decision was made on Friday.  By that evening, I had flights picked out.  By the following Tuesday, I got the needed dates off work and had tickets.  My first flight is in less than two weeks.  A little spur of the moment, but I am soooooooo excited.

My days are interspersed with euphoria as the trip is planned.  After booking the flights, I was too giddy to even sit down for nearly an hour.  Friends ask me if I'm doing anything fun this summer and energy pours out of me as I explain the road trip to Kiruna to see the sun at midnight and the drive along the coast of Norway as we take the long way home.

In addition to going to Sweden, my family came out to visit last week.  Many of them were unable to cancel plane tickets intended for a wedding, so we had a sudo-family reunion.  The week was filled with zip-lining, caves, soap making, and way too much ice-cream.

But all the energy, all the joy and euphoria, couldn't make me forget what was supposed to happen this week but didn't.  I'd ride the waves when they came and then crash into a rocky coast line as I remembered that I could have been on my honeymoon instead of writing this.  I might have been at my reception instead of in an escape room.  I oscillate between the moment and the 'could-have-been'.  Honestly, I feel a little torn apart by the extremes.

I know God blessed me with reasons to be happy this week because He knew the sorrow that could not be avoided.  I am grateful for it...most of the time.  But I also empathize with River, from the TV show Firefly, as she describes her recovery to her brother: "The sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears.  I ate the bits, the bits that stay down and I work.  I function like I'm a girl.  I hate it because I know it'll go away! The sun grows dark and chaos has come again.  It's...fluids.  What am I?"

That question comes back to haunt me.  What am I?  Sometimes I know and the knowledge is so firm and I feel so strong and I believe I'm recovering.  Then the knowledge fades like the sun behind clouds.  I lose my footing and the scars reopen.  I wish I saw the sun as often as I pretend I do.

But I'm going to Sweden! And I'll be able to see the sun all night long.

I am...

As mentioned several weeks ago, I recently lost everything that I once thought I was.  My self-image was suddenly filled with the phrase "I am not".

I am not his fiance.
I am not getting married.
I am not hungry.
I am not able to sleep.
I am not wanted...

For a short time, I let the "I am not's" define me.

In Avengers: Age of Ultron, a new android-like hero named Vision is created.  As the other Avengers question him, Vision responds, "I am not Ultron. I am not Jarvis.  I am...I am."

For a brief period of time, Vision was also defined by what he was not.  Then, he learned a lesson that I am still trying to wrap my head around.  When all you know is what you are not, be content with knowing simply that you are.  Don't worry about 'what' you are, just know that you are.  You exist, you are not anything else and nothing else is you.  And that's pretty cool.

I am and I get to decide what I am, so here are a few things that I have decided I am (or will become, where applicable).


I am healthy.  Presently, I am probably malnourished and definitely sleep deprived, but these are temporary states, and I am going to overcome them.  However, I am not in the hospital, I am not terminally ill, and though I am sad, I am not clinically depressed.  I am healthy.  I am grateful for my health and will begin working harder to maintain my health.

I am a runner.  I began running infrequently a few months ago and have discovered that running helps me process stress and refocus on what matters most.  I haven't run in a few weeks now, figured this was a smart choice in light of being malnourished and sleep deprived, but it is time to start again.  I am motivating myself by running the "Freedom Run" 10K on July 4th and signing up for a half-marathon probably sometime in October (haven't decided which yet).  I'd love to have some running buddies if you are interested in joining me for either.

I am artistic.  I totally can't draw or paint or anything, but I love to color, cross-stitch, sew, and make cards.  I can create beautiful things.

I am musical.  This is a hobby which I have let slip the past year, but I really love music.  This is another way which I can create something beautiful - just not a visual sort of beauty.

I am a writer.  Writing is one way I stay mentally healthy, so I am going to make sure to dedicate more time to it.  I can take the world around me and make it beautiful through writing.  I learn how to see things differently when I write.  Often times, I sit down to write on my blog and I'm crying and overemotional and miserable, but as I string together words, I calm down and remember what I am.

I am an astronomer - 'nuff said.

And finally - I am a daughter of God.  No one can take this truth from me.  I am loved by Him, even on the days I feel forgotten.  He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to complete the atonement and gain perfect empathy for me.  He cannot and will not forget me.

Dreams

For a week now I have waited to wake up from this nightmare.  As I begin moving from what would have been our apartment, as I go day after day without seeing him, the fact that this is my reality is finally sinking in.

This fact makes the previous 9 months of my life feel like a dream.  Now - instead of wishing I could wake up, I wish I could fall back asleep and just keep dreaming.  Like Cobb and Mal in Inception, just fall asleep and make the world into exactly what I want.

I went through today in a haze.  Inefficient sleep and insufficient meals are finally catching up with me (my two stress-habits which really only make a stressful situation worse).  I often found myself, having just finished up a task, staring numbly at an imaginary Mirror of Erised, thinking of what my life would have been like today if I had never woken up from my dream.

However, while staring into the Mirror of Erised, one must recall Dumbledore's warning: "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."  I am forgetting how to live and sometimes...I don't want to remember.  But the dream is over and I need to learn to live again because a bright and beautiful reality await me.  

Hard days

So - I may have said that I don't like writing depressing posts, but there may be several over the next few weeks.  Writing is therapeutic for me.  I have to get the thoughts out or they just circle around in my head driving me mad.

Today was a hard day.  I had to fill out paperwork to sell the contract for the apartment he and I were supposed to live in together.  I got a call informing me that my dress arrived and I needed to come in for a fitting.  And I spent my first day back home - in the place filled with memories which now cause only heartache.

However, today was, in a strange way, really good.  I was reminded, both today and throughout the weekend, that I am still surrounded by people who love me.  In 24 hours, my previous post was read more times than anything I have ever posted.  Sure - it was just over 200, nothing viral...but that means over 200 people love me enough to read it - and many even took the time to respond.

My coworkers took care of me today.  It was just those little things like saying hi and chatting with me, and inviting me over after work so I wouldn't be home alone in an apartment filled with shattered hope.  Those little things are the most important; they boost me, even if just enough to make it through the next hour until someone else comes and does the same.

Today was a hard day, but it helped me see just how blessed I am.

While I entered the beginning of what will probably be several hard days, Sheryl Sandberg was giving a speech at the Commencement ceremony at UC Berkeley specifically about making it through the hard days - the days that determine who you are (something which I am still deciding and promise I will post as soon as I have an idea).

For those of you who also are having a hard time, or know someone who is, please watch or share this video.  And feel free to share my posts.  Perhaps they will be as therapeutic to read as they are to write.

Who am I?

I have done a terrible job of keeping my blog up-to-date.  Life was just so wonderful, I never wanted to stop experiencing it to record it...but now the "wonderful" is over.  I have no record of it.  Admittedly, I'd rather forget it all right now, but I'm sure some day I will wish I had taken the time to record what was wonderful back when it was wonderful.

My fiance recently called off our wedding.  It was supposed to occur just over a month from now.  One day, my whole life was planned. Ok - not my whole life, but a lot of it.  I had a substantial number of short, mid, and long-term goals and they made sense and I was excited to work towards them with my best friend.  But then that day was gone - and with it my best friend, my wedding, and every single goal.

I am left hollow.

Who am I?

Life plans were shattered so completely that I have lost all desire to plan.  And I'm not just talking about long term plans.  I don't care about what I'm going to eat for dinner.  I don't want to think about what I'm going to do this weekend.  I decided to visit my parents so that I wouldn't have to make any plans, but they keep asking me when I'm 'planning' on going home.  I haven't planned that yet either.

But ...Of course - there has to be a 'but' in here - I don't like writing strictly depressing posts.

After attempting to avoid thinking about the emptiness I have felt, I realized something incredible.  I am left hollow.  Everything that I thought I was has been ripped from me.  Obviously, I would have preferred a less painful method than 'ripped from me', but now my slate is clean.  I can choose with what I refill myself.  I can let go of those things which I didn't like because they are already gone.  They can be replaced by all those things I always wished I was but for which I never the found space.  Deep down, I still contain my core: rainbows, astronomy, a sure knowledge that I am a child of God. These things will never change.  I can surround that core with something new.

I can decide.

Who am I?

I'll let you know soon.