The Old Testament

Several months ago, I made a goal to read my scriptures cover-to-cover.  This consists of the Old and New Testaments, as well as three additional books members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints consider to be scripture- the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.

Today, I finished the first and longest of these books- the Old Testament.  I believe this is the first time I've read the Old Testament all the way through, and I will admit, there were parts that were hard to get through, like Chronicles and Numbers.  I'm sure if I were a better person, I would have discovered all the important lessons with which the prophets filled these books.  I guess I need to become a better person and come back to this again sometime.  Of course, being unable to learn from Chronicles or Numbers doesn't mean that nothing was learned.  I would like to share with you a few verses that really stuck out to me as I read this ancient work of revelation.

Isaiah 14:12-16. The first three verses describe Lucifer's fall from heaven due to his attempt to exceed God. Yet as great as his desire for power is, he is doomed to punishment. The last verse expresses what we shall see after this life. "They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms?"

These verses help me to remember two truths about Satan. The first is that he does have power to shake kingdoms and effect the world around us. Second, we shall look down upon him after this life, amazed at his smallness.  He has great power, but only because we give it too him.  It kinda reminds me of those bratty children you see who completely run their parents lives.  They are tiny and powerless in the world, but have control because it is given to them.  We are more than Satan is or ever will be.  As we strive to live righteously, he will never be able to overpower us.  He can tempt us, but he can never make us sin. The power of choice lies solely with us.

Jeremiah 1: 6-7 In the first part of the chapter, Jeremiah is told that he has been foreordained to be a prophet of God.  These verses are his response.  "Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak."

The Lord has often given me positions and responsibilities of which I felt completely incapable.  I turned to him with a similar response as Jeremiah, "I am but a child, I'm unqualified and unable."  Every time, he has responded just as He did above, with a reminder that I don't need to tell him I'm a child, he knows, and if I go where He has sent me, He will tell me what to do and say.  He makes up for our weaknesses.

Ezekiel 36: 26 "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh."

This verse reminds me that no matter what happens, God can heal us.  There are many ways to acquire a stony heart.  It can be through our sins that pull us away from Heavenly Father or it can be the actions of others that hurt and leave scar tissue till your heart loses its ability to feel and care.  Either way, if we turn to Him again, He promises to take that damaged heart away and make us new again.  I've felt it and know it to be true.  There was a time in my life where I could no longer deal with broken promises and fake friendships and I stopped caring about the world.  I thought I could handle no more pain, so I refused to let myself feel it.  This only made things worse as I became isolated and cold.  Finally turning to God let in all the pain I had tried to hold out, however, it also flooded my soul with His love for me.  He eased the pain, took away that which I couldn't bear, and gave me a new heart that might love again.

Something for Dad

Today was an opportunity to ponder my father and the many things he has done for me throughout my life.  It was also a great opportunity to think of what I could do to show my appreciation for all that he has done.  While pondering these two things, I recalled a letter I received from him while I was still on my mission.  I would say the letter was so special I decided to keep it forever and blah blah blah... but I kept every letter anyone wrote me, so keeping this one wasn't anything unusual.  Despite this, the letter really did touch me and helped change the way I look at myself.

About the same time as all these thoughts, I decided to pick up my guitar and finish one of the many songs I've been writing.  Instead I started (and somehow managed to finish) a song based on the letter I received from my dad and decided to post it as a Father's Day gift for him.  (I should note, it is very loosely based on this letter, considering I received the letter over a year ago and didn't bring it with me to my internship.) 

Anyways, Happy Father's Day, to my dad and all the wonderful men in my life who have influenced it for the better.  Thank you for the positive influence you are having on the world and on me.

ps- I'm aware I avoided looking at the camera the entire time, it's awkward to be sitting all by yourself knowing you are being filmed and making mistakes and such.

A habit-less week

After the car crash, I really couldn't think of a habit for the past week.  This was mostly caused by fatigue which prevented me from actually trying to think of a habit on which I can improve.  I also realized, as helpful as the habits are, as much as I'm enjoying developing new habits, they aren't the most important things.  Good eating habits and making the bed help make life a little better, but they aren't the point of it.

I let the past week be a recovery week.  It was a time to relax, not stress about remembering to go jogging or floss or whatever.  I want to say thank you for all the support I felt in the past week.  Thank you to the many of you who read my previous post and commented either there or somewhere on facebook.  Thanks for the phone calls and skype chats and an even bigger thanks to those who were able to speak to me in person.  I honestly enjoyed the opportunity to tell about the crash a million times over.  This helped me to understand what happened and see more fully with each recollection the miracle I experienced.  Last week I was able to report that I was physically unharmed.  I can now report that I'm unharmed mentally as well.  I'm not afraid of cars, or the mountain roads.  I don't get tense whenever going around the corner at which I crashed.  I even walked to it yesterday in order to take pictures.  I know that God was watching over me when the crash happened and I know He is always watching over me, so I'm not worried.

I also had this past week be a maintenance week.  Each day was an opportunity to analyze the habits I've been working on and make sure I'm still doing a decent job with each.  I can report that I'm still successfully taking a multi-vitamin each day... and I'm mostly-successfully going to bed on time every night. I've at least developed enough of a habit of waking up early that I get up at 7:30 without an alarm now.  (I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to being able to stay up till sunrise again).  I still make my bed and I still exercise regularly.  Despite the elevation, I'm able to run about half a mile, which I'm pretty sure is the farthest I've ever been able to run, so I consider this an accomplishment.  And lastly- I've been eating great breakfasts.  I'm a huge fan of this habit because of the effect it has on my mornings.  I've not been worrying about exact amounts of sugar or anything, I've just tried to eat a full, balanced breakfast.  As a result, I don't get hungry till nearly lunch time, it's wonderful.  My favorite breakfast meals to make have been scrambled eggs with toast and a glass of V8 splash and an english muffin with Adams peanut butter and a banana on it. Yum.

For next week, I had planned breaking a habit instead of making one- and that habit was going to be candy consumption.  However, on the way back from grocery shopping today, we stopped at the Old Apple Barn and bought fudge, so that habit will have to wait till I'm out of fudge.  Instead, I'm going to work on a habit of balanced lunches to build on my breakfast habit.  This means getting the salad instead of dessert when I eat at the employee cafe (you can choose one or the other or pay 50 cents extra for both).  I'm going to have a good week!

That Could Have Been Yesterday

I am 23 years old.  I'm a little more than half way through college.  I have dreams of being an astronaut, a teacher, a singer, and a mother (I don't intend on being all of those, just various possibilities).  I have goals to become better at running, to learn how to bake, to figure out who my favorite bands are by actually paying attention to who sings my favorite songs, and to become a friendlier person.  I have an ever growing bucket list and a reading list that I will probably never finish no matter how hard I try.  I'm alive.

Idris: I've been looking for a word.  A big, complicated word but so sad. I've found it now.
Doctor: What word?
Idris: Alive.  I'm alive.
Doctor: Alive isn't sad.
Idris: It's sad when it's over.  I'll always be here. But this is when we talked. And now, even that has come to an end.
        (Doctor Who, Season 6, Episode 4)

People tell you that you have all the time in the world.  That's a lie.  You have only till the end of your life.  For me, that could have been yesterday.  I've never thought about it that way before.  "The rest of my life" and "all the time in the world" felt like nearly the same thing.  I believed I had so much time to fill and had made so many plans to fill it.  I'm sure I do still have a lot of time to fill and will probably have the chance to carry out most of the plans I've made.  I've just been made more aware of the fact that I might have run out of time yesterday.  This makes today so much more a blessing.

I crashed yesterday.  I crashed bad.  As the car slide towards the steep drop on one side of the road, I prayed.  There was nothing else I could do.  Somehow, the car changed direction, going off the other side, flipping, and landing on the roof.  I saw dirt, broken glass, and a shattered watermelon.  I crawled out and looked at the car.  Everything inside of me told me that someone in a crash like should be dead, yet there I stood, heart racing, hyperventilating, but unharmed.  A day later, bruises have formed on my knees from crawling out of the car and my neck is a little sore.  I'm still amazed to be alive.

I know God was watching over me yesterday.  He saved my life, possibly so I can fulfill my own plans and more than likely so I can fulfill His plans for me which I don't yet know.  But more important than plans and to-do lists is today.  From this experience, I hope to be able to keep one thing- to wake up every day the same way I woke up today.  As I open my eyes, I hope I remember that my last day could have been yesterday, that today is a special gift from the Lord, and to be sure I live accordingly.

I only have till the end of my life, and that could have been yesterday.  So today will be about friends and family and finding reasons to laugh.  Today is a day for seeing the blessings with which I'm surrounded and being so grateful that I can't stop praying.  I'm not afraid of running out of time, I'm only afraid of not recognizing until I run out that time is a gift that I can give to others to make their time better.

A Sweet Cut Back

I have decided that my weekly habits for the month of June will all have a common theme- decreasing my somewhat outrageous sugar intake.  Now- when I say sugar I am not referring to the natural substances that occurs in almost everything (lactose, fructose, anything-else-tose).  We are supposed to eat fruits and drink milk and such, so I'm not to worried about how much of that I get.  When I say sugar, I'm referring to finding sugar and high fructose corn syrup and such on ingredients lists, the sweet stuff added to my food to encourage me to eat it.  I hope, this month, to develop eating habits which result in eating a little less of the stuff. 

For the first week of June, week 4 of the 'program', I'm focusing on breakfast.  My traditional breakfast, as anyone who's lived with me knows, is a large bowl of Malt-O-Meal's Cinnamon Toasters. This large bowl, once I figured out how many servings I fit in it, contains nearly 27 grams of sugar.  Now, that's not too terrible, but it is about the equivalent of eating 1/4 cup of M&M's for breakfast, not exactly the "balanced breakfast" I've been told I should start my day with.  

Since yesterday was my shopping day, I bought fancy things like oatmeal, English muffins and bananas. I've always felt bananas were a very breakfast-y fruit.  I even splurged and bought brown eggs (white eggs give me a stomach ache).  I'm all set for a weeks worth of balanced breakfasts.  And I get to figure out how to cook at 9000+ ft.  This will be fun.

The Reason

I woke up today on the wrong side of the bed.  It probably didn't help that I fell asleep on the wrong side of the bed.  Point being, I wasn't in the best of moods at six o'clock this morning as I got up and began to get ready for church.  I was worn out, physically and spiritually, and really needed help.  I went to church seeking comfort and guidance so that I might fall asleep in the right place tonight.  I didn't get it.  No teacher read a scripture that seemed to speak straight to me.  No speaker gave a message that helped solve my problems.  No comments were even made that lead me to feel like God knows how I feel and inspired them to say that just for me to remind me He loves me.  Nothing...

But here is the secret- it doesn't matter.

I did not go to church today with some subconscious ultimatum.  I hadn't declared, "I'm here seeking the help I think I need and if I don't get it then I'm giving up."  I wasn't there looking for proof, thinking that if Heavenly Father didn't solve my small problem of where I get up in the morning then the whole of it wasn't true.  That was NOT what I did.

The reason I went to church this morning is because I love God.  The reason I sit in a car for an hour, going down windy mountain roads, is my love for my Heavenly Father.  Through my love for Him, He is able to strengthen me and help me see how to solve the little problems on my own.  Attending church does bring blessings, but that is not the reason I go.  I'm not showing up to church expecting immediate payment in the form of blessings I think I need.  They will come in the Lord's way and time, and then I receive the blessings I actually need.  But the blessings aren't the reason, they are more like a positive side effect.

I went to church because I love Him.  And the best part is, He loves me.  I left carrying all the same problems with which I showed up.  I came home and took a nap, still on the wrong side of the bed.  However, I know that I did the right thing today and I am reminded that my problems really aren't that big (I mean, at least I haven't yet fallen off the bed).  And several hours after the fact, He helps me remember something I barely overheard. "The most important thing is your relationship with Heavenly Father."