I have done a terrible job of keeping my blog up-to-date. Life was just so wonderful, I never wanted to stop experiencing it to record it...but now the "wonderful" is over. I have no record of it. Admittedly, I'd rather forget it all right now, but I'm sure some day I will wish I had taken the time to record what was wonderful back when it was wonderful.
My fiance recently called off our wedding. It was supposed to occur just over a month from now. One day, my whole life was planned. Ok - not my whole life, but a lot of it. I had a substantial number of short, mid, and long-term goals and they made sense and I was excited to work towards them with my best friend. But then that day was gone - and with it my best friend, my wedding, and every single goal.
I am left hollow.
Who am I?
Life plans were shattered so completely that I have lost all desire to plan. And I'm not just talking about long term plans. I don't care about what I'm going to eat for dinner. I don't want to think about what I'm going to do this weekend. I decided to visit my parents so that I wouldn't have to make any plans, but they keep asking me when I'm 'planning' on going home. I haven't planned that yet either.
But ...Of course - there has to be a 'but' in here - I don't like writing strictly depressing posts.
After attempting to avoid thinking about the emptiness I have felt, I realized something incredible. I am left hollow. Everything that I thought I was has been ripped from me. Obviously, I would have preferred a less painful method than 'ripped from me', but now my slate is clean. I can choose with what I refill myself. I can let go of those things which I didn't like because they are already gone. They can be replaced by all those things I always wished I was but for which I never the found space. Deep down, I still contain my core: rainbows, astronomy, a sure knowledge that I am a child of God. These things will never change. I can surround that core with something new.
I can decide.
Who am I?
I'll let you know soon.
Sending you a mental hug!
ReplyDeleteAlso sending you a mental hug! And I love your perspective...that because you're hollow, you can now become something better. Reminds me of the currant bush story that Elder Christopherson told in Conference a will back...That sometimes we get cut down to become something better. Thanks for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteGirl. Your bravery! Kudos to you. My supports there too. Good luck with filling yourself with the good things.
ReplyDeleteElora - I'm so very sorry that you are having to feel this pain. All I can say is that not only will you persevere through this, you'll come out of it "shining." Sending you love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteElora--I think you are an awesome person and it pains me that you have to go through this. I will pray for you and if there is anything else I can do, please let me know.
ReplyDelete-Carla