Farewell...

Dear 2013,
We have come a long way together and shared so many memories.  It's true, I'll admit that I hated you sometimes, but every tough time was worth it in the end.  In this single, short year, we became better friends than I could have possibly expected.

Looking back, I'm reminded that, although the journey was not always easy, it was never more difficult than I could handle.  You helped me experience so many miracles.  There was adventure, excitement, and magic every step of the way.  But of course, that wasn't all.  Now that I've seen and experienced it all, I'm grateful for it.  What I have gained was worth any pain or fear that I experienced.  The adventures we faced helped me discover what was inside of me and taught me to hope again.  Thank you, for helping me to see it as well as you.

We are now going our separate ways, but I am not afraid.  What you  taught me will help me to continue.  This friendship lasted a long time, and because of it, I have become a better person, one who can look back with gratitude for the time we've had together.  I must now press forward without you.  As wonderful as our friendship was, the future is too wonderful to give up by trying to cling to the past.

Farewell, my old friend.

The Pearl of Great Price

I've done it! I've finished reading the entire standard works.  The very last book in The LDS standard works is called the Pearl of Great Price.  This is a collection of books from various sources and for various purposes.  See the introduction for an explanation as to where everything came from.

As before, I'd like to share a few of my favorite verses.  All three come from the Book of Moses, the first and longest book in the Pearl of Great Price.

Moses 1:13
In the chapter preceding this verse, Moses speaks face to face with God.  Heavenly Father shows him his many creations and teaches Moses that he is His son.  When Heavenly Father's presence leaves, Satan approaches Moses and tries to convince Moses to worship him instead.  This is what happens:
"And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who are thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?"
Moses has learned, with a certainty, that he is a son of God.  This knowledge is all he needs.  As we are faced with the temptations of this world, we can recall that we are children of God.  This world holds no glory for us compared to the glory that we have been promised as his children.

Moses 6:31
This has long been one of my favorite verses, I find it easy to relate to.  In this chapter, God calls Enoch to be a prophet.  He's generally considered to be a pretty incredible prophet, as he teaches an entire city and they become righteous to the point that the whole city is taken up into heaven.  Amazing, no?  I always felt that I could never be that great, this verse reminds me that Enoch probably felt the same way. God tells Enoch that he has been called as a prophet...
"And when Enoch had heard these words, he bowed himself to the earth, before the Lord, and spake before the Lord, saying: Why is it that I have found favor in thy sight, and am but a lad, and all the people hate me; for I am slow of speech; wherefore am I thy servant?"
I am not the only one who has ever thought "why me" and although I may feel little and unimportant, like Enoch, God might have great things in store for me.  If I just in Him and answer when He calls, I will become as great as he needs me to be

Moses 7:32-33 (but really more like verses 21-40)
Long after Enoch begins teaching the people and many repent and choose to follow the teaching of the Gospel, he has another opportunity to speak with God.  Here, God reveals to him that the people he teaches will become so righteous they go straight to Heaven.  Heavenly Father also shows Enoch what will happen after this, how the world will become so wicked that only one righteous family will remain- Noah and his family- and that He would have to flood the whole world to destroy the wickedness.  Enoch turns to God and sees Him crying and asks "How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?" (vs 29).  God responds:
"Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency; And unto they brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood"
Heavenly Father cries because His children do not love each other.  He had to destroy His own creations, His own children, so that more children would not be brought into a world which could only teach hatred and cruelty.  God weeps for us because of how deep His love for us is.

So- I managed to finish everything, 2476 pages worth of scripture.  Time to start again.

The Doctrine and Covenants

Yesterday, I finished reading The Doctrine and Covenants and figured I should report on it as I've done with the other books of scripture I have finished reading this year.  This is the second-to-last entry about my goal to read the scriptures before the end of the year.  Fortunately for me, the only book I have left to finish is The Pearl of Great Price, which is only 61 pages long. I think I can handle 61 pages in the next 7 days.

For those of you unfamiliar with this book of scripture:  As a latter-day saint, I believe Joseph Smith was given an ancient record and, through the power of God, translated that record into scripture.  This record is published as The Book of Mormon.  Along with the power of translation, Joseph Smith was set apart as a seer and revelator.  During his life time, he received many revelations, instruction for both himself and the Church. These have been compiled and published as The Doctrine and Covenants.

So- some passages that stuck out to me, either because they are long time favorites or because I noticed them particularly during this read through.

D&C 6:33-34  Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if you are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

I love the way Christ speaks to us in this verse.  He calls us his sons and his little flock.  He acknowledges the feelings we have of being small and inadequate, and He doesn't tell us that those feelings are wrong.  He isn't saying "Go- be big, be brave."  He tells us instead that, despite our smallness, we need not fear. We can do good and stand against big things because we stand on His side.  Christ has infinite strength and love for us, and infinity plus anything (no matter how small) is still infinite.

D&C 34: 2-3 (describing Christ) The light and the life of the world, a light which shineth in darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not; Who so loved the world that he gave his own life, that as many as would believe might become the sons of God.

This passage is another reminder of Christ's love for us, as well as a promise of what we can receive.  As we believe, we have the opportunity to become- it is our chance to change because of the sacrifice Christ made for us.  And what happens if we let that sacrifice change us? What do we become? We become the sons of God.  We are all already His children, but to become "the sons of God" means that we have accepted him and begun to change to become like him. We have chosen to grow up to be like our Father.

D&C 76: 22-24 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father -- That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God.

I know that this passage is true.  Joseph, and the other men called of God to help him restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth, had the opportunity to see Christ.  He lives.  This is important to remember.  It is true that Christ died for us and for our sins, but He was also resurrected, meaning that He lives.  And through Him, we might live again too.  That moment was so pivotal.  He rose from the dead, testifying to all that he really is the Son of God and that he really had the power to take upon himself all of our sins and pains and sufferings.  He lives, so his sacrifice is complete, that we might become whole through him.

The Book of Mormon

Continuing with my goal to read the standard works, I have finished the Book of Mormon. (For an explanation of this goal- see The Old Testament post)

I'm a little behind where I should be (If my calculations are correct, I should have finished it last week), but I'm not so far behind that I can't get caught up.  Besides, I've got Thanksgiving and Christmas Break coming up soon. With no homework or midterms to worry about, I'm sure I'll get a lot of reading done.

I really love this book.  Through the Book of Mormon, my faith in Christ grows, regardless of how many times I've read it.  The teachings of this book help me to find a sense of peace that is difficult to find in the hustle and bustle of today's society.  Here are a few of the versus that really touched me as I read.

3rd Nephi 5:13 "Behold, I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I have been called of him to declare his word among his people, that they might have everlasting life."

During the 18 months of my mission, this was probably my favorite verse in the Book of Mormon.   As a missionary, you can really feel those words fill you up. Since I've been home, I've been seeking ways to feel just as filled with these words.  I came home from the Philippines, that's all that changed.  I'm still a disciple of Jesus Christ.  Therefore, I have the opportunity to share His gospel with others that they might have everlasting life.

Ether 12:37 "...And because though hast seen thy weakness though shalt be made strong,..."

This is just a small fragment of the verse, but the words mean a lot.  People commonly quote Ether 12:27, which teaches about our weaknesses being given to us to help humble us and that through Christ, we can become strong.  I find the promise in verse 37 hits a little closer to home.  Christ does make us stronger, but He can only help us to change that which we are trying to change.  I excel in seeing my own weaknesses.  This verse reminds me that I have to see them before I can work with the Lord to change them.  He promises that, as long as I rely on him, every weakness that I see in myself can become a strength.

I know this book to be true and I invite anyone who struggles to feel at peace to read this book and turn to the Lord.  He will give you peace.

Pinay pa ang kalug ko.

Translation: My soul is still Filipino.
(as a side note, kalug is a really fun word when you are talking quickly in Hiligaynon about the soul. The whole conversation sounds like it's taking place next to an old broken machine.)

As I ate dinner today, I unexpectedly had a strong urge to eat rice with my noodles and shrimp.  Almost 18 months ago, having recently returned from the Philippines, where they eat rice with every meal, this would have been an expected desire.  It's been quite a while since then, so I was rather surprised when I stopped and looked at my bowl of food and debated if it needed rice.  My skin is white, my hair is red, but every now and then I'm reminded that a part of my soul will forever be Filipino.

Now, as funny as this is, the experience turned me back to thoughts of my mission.  Even almost 18 months later, the Filipino part of my soul speaks up.  I'm reminded how I have changed, not just in terms of my appetite and my desire to speak Hiligaynon, but in who I am and my faith in the Lord.  The 18 months I spent in the Philippines helped teach me how much the Lord loves me.  I learned that He will always be there to help me when I feel like the road is too difficult.  I discovered that though I feel small and weak, I can still be an instrument in His hands, especially since most of what He wants me to do are just small, simple things that can change another person's life.

I'm so grateful that my soul will forever be a little Filipino, that I will want rice whenever I eat fish, and that I long to eat mangoes for breakfast.  These things helped me become who I am, and you know what, I like who I am.

A Reason To Hope

I had an epiphany today- I have a reason to hope.

I know this seems silly, but for some reason, I've spent a long time trying to convince myself that I had no reason to hope.  I had felt like anything I ever hoped for, dreamed about, or aspired to turned out to be nothing at all.  So I tried to stop letting myself hope.  For a while, it wasn't hard.  I could find nothing to hope for and therefore never had to stop myself from hoping in something. (Note: I don't recommend this, life is far more grand if you hope, even if you're just hoping in something silly, like no snow until after your birthday).

Suddenly, I was offered a reason to hope.  Having come with no warning, I found it difficult to convince myself not to believe in it.  I tried to tell myself that I was just seeing things, that I noticed positive because I wanted to see positive.  In vain, I repeated over and over that these "good omens" I was picking up weren't real.  I told myself over and over to give up and stop "pretending" that something good might happen.

... and it didn't work.  I'm so glad it didn't work.  Something in me fought back, shouting that there was a reason to hope and that good things happen and that the fear holding me back would go away if only I stopped pretending that there was no reason to hope.  And I finally see it. It had to stand in front of me, stare me in the face, and slap me upside the head in order to see it, but I do.  I have a huge reason to hope, because life is good and life gets better.

This is what friends are for.

This past week, my roommate and I had an "I love you" war.  This war was part way text and part way conversation as we tried not to talk to each other so we could focus on homework, but the subject got too interesting to discuss through text messages.  This conversation has helped me keep going through the rest of the week, because I know just how much my friends love me.  I thought I'd share.

(E is me, B is my roommate)

B- I love you so much!
E- I love you more.
B- I love you mostest!
E- God loves you mostest.
B- Not more than He loves you. And I still love you most.
E- I love you more than balloons.
B- Wow, but I love you more than stars.
E- Oh dear, that's a lot.
B- I love you more than potatoes.
E- I don't know if I believe that.
B- What, you don't think I could love you more than potatoes?
E- Well, you eat potatoes every day, you don't eat me every day.
B- You've got a point there.  I love eating potatoes more than I love eating you, but I love you more than I love potatoes.
E- ...I love you more than bendy-straws.
B- What, no way. Now that's a lot.

And this is why you have friends! So you can debate who loves the other most, so you can share your love and excitement for random things like bendy straws, and so you know, if you are ever having a bad day, your roommate will remind you that she won't eat you even though she loves you.

It's Begun

Another school year has started.  I'm still deciding what this school year should be labeled. I've been here for four years, so it's my senior year. However, I have two years till I graduate, therefore I'm a junior.  So...I think I'll just continue calling it my second junior year.

My schedule is as full as always. I'm working part time for the physics department. I have 16.5 credits.  And I'm going to attempt to have a social life.... that might stop once midterms start.  Despite this, I'm really looking forward to this semester.  I just have a feeling that it's going to be a great semester.  Why?  No clue, but it's the truth.  Of course, to make a semester great requires a lot of action on my part.  Mostly in regards to attitude.  This is one reason I'm attempting a social life, having fun and avoiding homework improves one's attitude.

Isn't it interesting, the boundaries we create in our own lives.  We label seasons, semesters, ages, and other time periods as if they have any sort of influence on who we are.  Now, obviously, certain things start (like school) which change our lives.  However, we don't need to wait till these boundaries occur to make the changes in our life that we want to make.  We pretend that everything is split into time periods and we can't alter who we are until a new time starts.  I can change though, I can change now! Even though a new semester started a week ago, I don't need to wait till it ends to change who I was when it started.  A new semester has already begun and it's going to be good.

The New Testament

About 2 weeks ago, I finished reading the New Testament as part of my goal mentioned a couple months ago.  I've been lazy and unfocused and so I'm just now getting around to blogging my success.  When I finished the Old Testament, I shared a few verses which really touched me, and I wanted to do the same with the New Testament. So- better late than never:

Matthew 2:2 "Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him."

For those of you who know me personally, you're aware that I'm partial to stars.  The birth of a God was marked with the sign of a star.  And there were people, great wise men, who saw the sign and sought the king.  We often discuss the shepherds who were visited by angels and told of the birth of Christ.  From them we learn that Christ came to lift up the lowly, a king came to rescue the shepherd.  The wise men teach that even the most knowledgeable of the time can still believe in Christ.  In today's world, especially working as a scientist, I'm often questioned about how I can believe in God.  Some scientists claim that science "proves" that God does not exist.  As one who came after him, I can believe, just as the ones who came before believed and watched for the signs and came.  The shepherds were beckoned by angels, the wise men saw a star, even a great king was afraid of the power of a babe.  If they can believe, so can I.

Matthew 9:29 "Then touched he their eyes, saying, According to your faith be it unto you."

Christ accomplished many miracles during his earthly ministry.  Some of the most interesting to me have always been the blind receiving their sight (I think this is because going blind has always been one of my greatest fears).  I love how often Christ reiterates the idea, "according to your faith be it unto you."  Miracles come through our faith. They are a result of it.  They were not intended to be proof so that we can believe, but after we believe, we can see miracles which can strengthen our faith in the Lord.

Luke 1:37 "For with God nothing shall be impossible."

This statement really means a lot to me right now.  Mostly because college comes so close to feeling absolutely impossible.  But there is the promise, clear as day, impossible to misinterpret.  As I learn to trust in him, nothing shall be impossible.  I may be weak by myself, but he is infinitely powerful, and infinity plus 1 can do anything.

Wonderful

Sometimes, life is so perfect, there is no time to write about it, which is really a shame because it limits the opportunity to share something wonderful with others.

So- a quick synopsis of all I've done since I last wrote.  I finished my summer research internship.  I had to write a super long project report and give a really intimidating presentation to a bunch of scientists who know far more about solar physics than I do.  However, my adviser said it was amazing and a bunch of other people told me that I did a good job.  Success!

After finishing work with the National Observatory, I briefly returned to school to attend the wedding of one of my best friends.  Weddings in the LDS church are a little different from the traditional wedding.  I believe that God has called a living prophet and given him the authority to lead the church.  The prophet has the ability to appoint individuals as sealers. These are people who have been given the authority described in Mathew 16:19, "whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in Heaven."  This means weddings do not end with the typical mantra "till death do you part", the ceremony is instead concluded with the statement "sealed as man and wife for time and all eternity."  Having the opportunity to hear these words again reminded me of Heavenly Father's plan for us.  He doesn't just want us to be happy and married here on earth, He has provided us with the opportunity to be a family for all eternity.  We can be happy for all eternity.

I returned home after the wedding and purchased my first car.  I now have a car, and it's a beautiful car; I feel so empowered. My time was also spent weeding the backyard and shopping with my mom and younger brother as he prepared to start his first year of college.  My baby brother is going to be up at school with me. It's the first time we've attended the same school at the same time since I was in 5th grade.

I'm now back at school getting caught up with friends and enjoying the time to relax before another school year starts.  The weather is calm and a little rainy. The air is filled with the anticipation of something new about to begin.  It's going to be a great school year!

Charity

1 Corinthians 13:8-10
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

The entirety of 1 Corinthians 13 is centered on Charity.  From this chapter we learn that Charity is the love of Christ, without it we are nothing, and it is the greatest of the three traits often listed in the scriptures- faith, hope, and charity.  From the verses quoted above, I have come to understand a little more the permanence of charity.

The Bible and Book of Mormon are both filled with prophecies of the time when all shall be made perfect.  All human beings will be resurrected, brought back to life with a perfect and immortal body.  Pain and sickness shall be done away.  This will be a time of great change, as every individual will need to be perfected.  Human knowledge will change, we shall see the faults in our discoveries and theories and have the opportunity to perfect our knowledge.

The prophesies of ancient prophets, which we learn through scripture, and modern prophets, which we can learn by listening to them and reading their words, will change.  This one surprised me a little, since prophecy comes from God, so I figured it was perfect.  The words that we receive are perfect, however; they are merely a part of all that God desires to give us.  In our imperfect and still child-like state, we are not able to learn all, so the prophecies we receive are part of the whole truth.  The prophecies will change because they will become complete.  In other words, like human or physical knowledge, or spiritual knowledge will become perfected.

Charity is the only perfect thing that we, as imperfect beings, are able to access.  As the pure love of Christ, charity cannot be imperfect.  Christ loves each of us perfectly and completely.  This is why He suffered and died, so that each of us might overcome our sins and imperfections.  As we exercise charity, as we strive to love all, despite their imperfections, as Christ loves us despite ours, and as we avoid judging those who sin and instead seek to help them overcome sin, we grow a little more into the perfect beings we someday shall be.  We cannot do it without Christ.  Our love isn't yet perfect enough to overcome judgement and fear.  For this reason, Christ gives us His love, He gives us Charity.  It is already perfect, it will not change, but it will change us if we give it the chance.

Pleased to report- Success!

I am quite proud of myself.  I successfully made it from Tuesday to Tuesday without playing Candy Crush at all.  I think I got lucky.  My parents came to visit, I spent a lot of time cleaning to prepare for that, and it wasn't too hard to keep myself busy.  Along with my parents visiting, they bought me ice cream.  Receiving my reward early made me feel much more obligated to keep to my promise.

Now, my parents bought me two different flavors of ice cream (mint chocolate chip because it's amazing and vanilla to eat with yummy peach cobbler).  I feel that since I got double the reward I was intending, I ought to do double the work.  I let myself have today to check the many "candy crush requests" and to run out of lives several times.  Starting tomorrow, I will pay my second week for which I already have my reward.  Thursday to Thursday- it shouldn't be too difficult.  I'm going to Carlsbad Caverns tomorrow, on a hike on Saturday, and to Tuscan from Monday to Thursday.  I can do this!

Something to do

The challenge I made myself has finally become rather challenging.  Throughout the weekend, my parents were visiting and we were either out and about and busy or at home talking to each other.  If I ever felt the desire to play Candy Crush, I would just close my laptop and talk more with my parents.  

They left yesterday, and as fate would have it, I'm not feeling well today.  I came home from work early and spent the entire afternoon switching between reading, watching netflix, and trying to take a nap.  Around 3:30, I hadn't yet managed to actually take a nap and I was too tired to keep reading.  Checking my 13 Candy Crush requests was starting to look pretty tempting.  I thought of all my back up plans: play guitar- I gave it to my parents to take home since I only have 3 weeks left that should be busy and I don't want to have to deal with it on the plane; Blog- not feeling up to writing; work on a book- again, not feeling up to writing (not even feeling up to reading).

Options exhausted, I did the only thing I could do.  I closed my laptop, rolled over in bed, and tried again to fall asleep.  It finally worked...for about an hour longer than I intended.  I'm going to have trouble falling asleep tonight.  However, it's 5:30 and, despite already having been home for 6 hours, I still have not played Candy Crush.  I just have about 6 more to go... I need to find something to do. More netflix maybe?

Today will be easy

Fortunately for me, it is the third Wednesday of the month.  This means that community game night is tonight.  It starts at 6:30 and ends whenever I'm tired enough to go home and go to sleep.  I only have to keep myself occupied until 6:30.

Even more fortunately, I have family coming to visit this weekend.  Family is a pretty good excuse to get myself to clean the house up a little bit.  An hour and a half of cleaning, then game night.  I have no need to play Candy Crush.

This will be hard

It is time I buckle down and finally take up the challenge of the habit I've been avoiding.  Instead of developing a new habit, I'm going to un-develop a habit that is wasting far too much time.  I meant to write this up Sunday, but I was reluctant and felt like procrastinating and was certain I would think of something else that I could call my habit this week.  However, I need to do this... I need to quit Candy Crush. At least for a little bit.

When I first came up the mountain, I was spending a little too much time playing Bejeweled Blitz.  I decided to cut back, but I had no clear cut plan on how.  As a result, I felt bored, found a new game, and now spend all my time on it.  I'm kinda back where I started, but I'm going to do better this time.  Here is my plan:

1- My fault last time was that I went from one game to another; therefore, I am abstaining from all internet games.  I'm still going to allow myself to play other stuff on my computer (like solitaire) but nothing which requires me to be connected to the internet.

2- Since there is so much I'm not letting myself do, I need something to take up my time.  Instead, I shall do one of three things: Pick up my guitar and learn and/or write a new song, Pull out my notebook and get started on a book that I've decided to write, or Blog. You might here from me a lot this week, but that's okay, because I have lots of things about which I've been meaning to write.

3- To reward myself, should I succeed in completing the week as planned (and I will make myself do an entire week- that means all the way till next Tuesday) I will let myself buy ice cream.  This seems like an adequate reward, it's been a few weeks since I've had ice cream.  Any suggestions which flavor I should buy?

Note to self:

When you are lonely and emotional and suffering from Merlin withdrawals, reading your own blog posts from the past year is a very bad idea.

An Ending

Warning: this might give away spoilers to the BBC series Merlin, but only if you have no idea how Arthurian Legends end.

The last season of Merlin was recently added to Netflix.  13 episodes- I got through it in 4 days. Thursday night, long after I ought to have been asleep, I watched the credits of the last episode slide across my screen.

Since I began watching in 2009, I was more than aware of the general story line.  I knew Arthur would marry Guinevere, Morgana would be evil, Merlin would be a great wizard, love affairs, epic conquests, tragic ending.  I knew what was coming...but I let myself fall into the story anyways.

Back to Thursday. I slowly closed my laptop, turned the lights out, and laid down, wide-eyed and very awake.  How was I supposed to sleep, Arthur just died, Morgana has finally be defeated.  Merlin lost his best friend and Gwen lost the love of her life.  And possibly worst of all- one of my favorite tv-series was over, forever.  How was I supposed to sleep?

I'm not sure how I did fall asleep, but I recall waking up the next morning.  I was still as emotionally distraught as I had been the night before, but I pulled myself together enough to get to work.  Other students were laughing, making jokes, and intermittently focusing on work.  I sat in front of my computer, lugubrious and lost in thought, stopping myself from bursting out, "How can you be happy? Arthur died last night!"  It's a little sad how affected I've been by this.  Not only have I known what would happen for 4 years, but it only ended last night in my world, the last episode was originally aired in the UK in December.  I held myself together for the rest of work, then came home and satisfied Merlin withdrawals by finding Merlin-themed memes on Pinterest.

You might be wondering why I'm so torn apart by a tv show.  The reason, Merlin was incredible.  It was adventure and comedy, inspirational and occasionally terrifying.  The CG was horrible and the insults were hilarious.  After every episode, I was left with these thoughts:

No matter how big or ugly your problems are, be it monsters or armies, you can always defeat them by believing in yourself.

"Then I'm happy being insane, surely it's better than being miserable" -Arthur

Love can overcome the worst of curses.

A dull job is made much better by friendship and laughter.

"Being different is nothing to be afraid of" -Merlin

You can fix mistakes.(and there is usually another solution when you mess up and ignore the dragons advice)

Never judge someone for being a klutz, they just might be something great in disguise. 

"In life, you always have a choice. Sometimes it's easier to think that you don't" -Gwen

Don't trust cute girls who randomly show up right before a major war/decision.

Merlin wasn't just about watching a bunch of good looking knights go off on adventures only to be saved unexpectedly (and unknowingly) by a better looking warlock.  Merlin was evidence that good things are still being made, things that teach and inspire and leave you feeling like the world can be a better place.  That is why, in the Dragon's ever-wise words, "The story we have been a part of will live long in the minds of men"- Kilgharrah (The Great Dragon)

Week 8

Well, it's been a while. I seem to have gotten busy/lazy/procrastinatory and not written in quite a while, which is really quite a shame because I've had lots of interesting ideas to write about, I just haven't written them.  This shall have to be remedied...eventually.

I realized I never posted my goal for week 7, which was the week of June 23-29. Last week didn't count as a week in my goal because I was on vacation.  To be honest, I don't remember what my goal was. I think I intended it to be no candy- like I intended week 6 to be no candy, but my adviser had dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joes.  One can't just pass those up.  About 1 day into the week, I changed my goal...but I don't remember to what it was changed.  This is why I'm supposed to be blogging these things.

Anyways. For week 8, I've decided to focus on enforcing good habits instead of developing new ones.  This is a little different from the maintenance week I had about a month ago.  That was working on habits I've developed since the plan began.  I'm focusing this week on two habits which I've been working on for a while- praying every morning and studying my scriptures.  Since coming to the Middle-of-Nowhere, I've had lots of time on my hands and set a goal to study my scriptures for at least 30 minutes a day.  This goal kinda collapsed while I was on vacation, I think I got 5 minutes a day instead.  Morning prayer has always been difficult for me. Saying a prayer before going to bed is easy to remember, but I don't wake up well, or quickly, so remembering a prayer in the morning is much more difficult.  This habit also faltered significantly while on vacation.  So, this week will be designated to re-enforcing these two essential habits.

Of all the habits on which I have focused, these are the two that truly make me feel like I'm becoming a better person.  Running might bring me closer to making my goal distance, making breakfast might bring me closer to good eating habits, going to bed early brings me closer to getting to work on time.  Prayer and scriptures bring me closer to God, there is nowhere else I need to be.

The Old Testament

Several months ago, I made a goal to read my scriptures cover-to-cover.  This consists of the Old and New Testaments, as well as three additional books members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints consider to be scripture- the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.

Today, I finished the first and longest of these books- the Old Testament.  I believe this is the first time I've read the Old Testament all the way through, and I will admit, there were parts that were hard to get through, like Chronicles and Numbers.  I'm sure if I were a better person, I would have discovered all the important lessons with which the prophets filled these books.  I guess I need to become a better person and come back to this again sometime.  Of course, being unable to learn from Chronicles or Numbers doesn't mean that nothing was learned.  I would like to share with you a few verses that really stuck out to me as I read this ancient work of revelation.

Isaiah 14:12-16. The first three verses describe Lucifer's fall from heaven due to his attempt to exceed God. Yet as great as his desire for power is, he is doomed to punishment. The last verse expresses what we shall see after this life. "They that see thee shall narrowly look upon thee, and consider thee, saying, Is this the man that made the earth to tremble, that did shake kingdoms?"

These verses help me to remember two truths about Satan. The first is that he does have power to shake kingdoms and effect the world around us. Second, we shall look down upon him after this life, amazed at his smallness.  He has great power, but only because we give it too him.  It kinda reminds me of those bratty children you see who completely run their parents lives.  They are tiny and powerless in the world, but have control because it is given to them.  We are more than Satan is or ever will be.  As we strive to live righteously, he will never be able to overpower us.  He can tempt us, but he can never make us sin. The power of choice lies solely with us.

Jeremiah 1: 6-7 In the first part of the chapter, Jeremiah is told that he has been foreordained to be a prophet of God.  These verses are his response.  "Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak."

The Lord has often given me positions and responsibilities of which I felt completely incapable.  I turned to him with a similar response as Jeremiah, "I am but a child, I'm unqualified and unable."  Every time, he has responded just as He did above, with a reminder that I don't need to tell him I'm a child, he knows, and if I go where He has sent me, He will tell me what to do and say.  He makes up for our weaknesses.

Ezekiel 36: 26 "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh."

This verse reminds me that no matter what happens, God can heal us.  There are many ways to acquire a stony heart.  It can be through our sins that pull us away from Heavenly Father or it can be the actions of others that hurt and leave scar tissue till your heart loses its ability to feel and care.  Either way, if we turn to Him again, He promises to take that damaged heart away and make us new again.  I've felt it and know it to be true.  There was a time in my life where I could no longer deal with broken promises and fake friendships and I stopped caring about the world.  I thought I could handle no more pain, so I refused to let myself feel it.  This only made things worse as I became isolated and cold.  Finally turning to God let in all the pain I had tried to hold out, however, it also flooded my soul with His love for me.  He eased the pain, took away that which I couldn't bear, and gave me a new heart that might love again.

Something for Dad

Today was an opportunity to ponder my father and the many things he has done for me throughout my life.  It was also a great opportunity to think of what I could do to show my appreciation for all that he has done.  While pondering these two things, I recalled a letter I received from him while I was still on my mission.  I would say the letter was so special I decided to keep it forever and blah blah blah... but I kept every letter anyone wrote me, so keeping this one wasn't anything unusual.  Despite this, the letter really did touch me and helped change the way I look at myself.

About the same time as all these thoughts, I decided to pick up my guitar and finish one of the many songs I've been writing.  Instead I started (and somehow managed to finish) a song based on the letter I received from my dad and decided to post it as a Father's Day gift for him.  (I should note, it is very loosely based on this letter, considering I received the letter over a year ago and didn't bring it with me to my internship.) 

Anyways, Happy Father's Day, to my dad and all the wonderful men in my life who have influenced it for the better.  Thank you for the positive influence you are having on the world and on me.

ps- I'm aware I avoided looking at the camera the entire time, it's awkward to be sitting all by yourself knowing you are being filmed and making mistakes and such.

A habit-less week

After the car crash, I really couldn't think of a habit for the past week.  This was mostly caused by fatigue which prevented me from actually trying to think of a habit on which I can improve.  I also realized, as helpful as the habits are, as much as I'm enjoying developing new habits, they aren't the most important things.  Good eating habits and making the bed help make life a little better, but they aren't the point of it.

I let the past week be a recovery week.  It was a time to relax, not stress about remembering to go jogging or floss or whatever.  I want to say thank you for all the support I felt in the past week.  Thank you to the many of you who read my previous post and commented either there or somewhere on facebook.  Thanks for the phone calls and skype chats and an even bigger thanks to those who were able to speak to me in person.  I honestly enjoyed the opportunity to tell about the crash a million times over.  This helped me to understand what happened and see more fully with each recollection the miracle I experienced.  Last week I was able to report that I was physically unharmed.  I can now report that I'm unharmed mentally as well.  I'm not afraid of cars, or the mountain roads.  I don't get tense whenever going around the corner at which I crashed.  I even walked to it yesterday in order to take pictures.  I know that God was watching over me when the crash happened and I know He is always watching over me, so I'm not worried.

I also had this past week be a maintenance week.  Each day was an opportunity to analyze the habits I've been working on and make sure I'm still doing a decent job with each.  I can report that I'm still successfully taking a multi-vitamin each day... and I'm mostly-successfully going to bed on time every night. I've at least developed enough of a habit of waking up early that I get up at 7:30 without an alarm now.  (I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to being able to stay up till sunrise again).  I still make my bed and I still exercise regularly.  Despite the elevation, I'm able to run about half a mile, which I'm pretty sure is the farthest I've ever been able to run, so I consider this an accomplishment.  And lastly- I've been eating great breakfasts.  I'm a huge fan of this habit because of the effect it has on my mornings.  I've not been worrying about exact amounts of sugar or anything, I've just tried to eat a full, balanced breakfast.  As a result, I don't get hungry till nearly lunch time, it's wonderful.  My favorite breakfast meals to make have been scrambled eggs with toast and a glass of V8 splash and an english muffin with Adams peanut butter and a banana on it. Yum.

For next week, I had planned breaking a habit instead of making one- and that habit was going to be candy consumption.  However, on the way back from grocery shopping today, we stopped at the Old Apple Barn and bought fudge, so that habit will have to wait till I'm out of fudge.  Instead, I'm going to work on a habit of balanced lunches to build on my breakfast habit.  This means getting the salad instead of dessert when I eat at the employee cafe (you can choose one or the other or pay 50 cents extra for both).  I'm going to have a good week!

That Could Have Been Yesterday

I am 23 years old.  I'm a little more than half way through college.  I have dreams of being an astronaut, a teacher, a singer, and a mother (I don't intend on being all of those, just various possibilities).  I have goals to become better at running, to learn how to bake, to figure out who my favorite bands are by actually paying attention to who sings my favorite songs, and to become a friendlier person.  I have an ever growing bucket list and a reading list that I will probably never finish no matter how hard I try.  I'm alive.

Idris: I've been looking for a word.  A big, complicated word but so sad. I've found it now.
Doctor: What word?
Idris: Alive.  I'm alive.
Doctor: Alive isn't sad.
Idris: It's sad when it's over.  I'll always be here. But this is when we talked. And now, even that has come to an end.
        (Doctor Who, Season 6, Episode 4)

People tell you that you have all the time in the world.  That's a lie.  You have only till the end of your life.  For me, that could have been yesterday.  I've never thought about it that way before.  "The rest of my life" and "all the time in the world" felt like nearly the same thing.  I believed I had so much time to fill and had made so many plans to fill it.  I'm sure I do still have a lot of time to fill and will probably have the chance to carry out most of the plans I've made.  I've just been made more aware of the fact that I might have run out of time yesterday.  This makes today so much more a blessing.

I crashed yesterday.  I crashed bad.  As the car slide towards the steep drop on one side of the road, I prayed.  There was nothing else I could do.  Somehow, the car changed direction, going off the other side, flipping, and landing on the roof.  I saw dirt, broken glass, and a shattered watermelon.  I crawled out and looked at the car.  Everything inside of me told me that someone in a crash like should be dead, yet there I stood, heart racing, hyperventilating, but unharmed.  A day later, bruises have formed on my knees from crawling out of the car and my neck is a little sore.  I'm still amazed to be alive.

I know God was watching over me yesterday.  He saved my life, possibly so I can fulfill my own plans and more than likely so I can fulfill His plans for me which I don't yet know.  But more important than plans and to-do lists is today.  From this experience, I hope to be able to keep one thing- to wake up every day the same way I woke up today.  As I open my eyes, I hope I remember that my last day could have been yesterday, that today is a special gift from the Lord, and to be sure I live accordingly.

I only have till the end of my life, and that could have been yesterday.  So today will be about friends and family and finding reasons to laugh.  Today is a day for seeing the blessings with which I'm surrounded and being so grateful that I can't stop praying.  I'm not afraid of running out of time, I'm only afraid of not recognizing until I run out that time is a gift that I can give to others to make their time better.

A Sweet Cut Back

I have decided that my weekly habits for the month of June will all have a common theme- decreasing my somewhat outrageous sugar intake.  Now- when I say sugar I am not referring to the natural substances that occurs in almost everything (lactose, fructose, anything-else-tose).  We are supposed to eat fruits and drink milk and such, so I'm not to worried about how much of that I get.  When I say sugar, I'm referring to finding sugar and high fructose corn syrup and such on ingredients lists, the sweet stuff added to my food to encourage me to eat it.  I hope, this month, to develop eating habits which result in eating a little less of the stuff. 

For the first week of June, week 4 of the 'program', I'm focusing on breakfast.  My traditional breakfast, as anyone who's lived with me knows, is a large bowl of Malt-O-Meal's Cinnamon Toasters. This large bowl, once I figured out how many servings I fit in it, contains nearly 27 grams of sugar.  Now, that's not too terrible, but it is about the equivalent of eating 1/4 cup of M&M's for breakfast, not exactly the "balanced breakfast" I've been told I should start my day with.  

Since yesterday was my shopping day, I bought fancy things like oatmeal, English muffins and bananas. I've always felt bananas were a very breakfast-y fruit.  I even splurged and bought brown eggs (white eggs give me a stomach ache).  I'm all set for a weeks worth of balanced breakfasts.  And I get to figure out how to cook at 9000+ ft.  This will be fun.

The Reason

I woke up today on the wrong side of the bed.  It probably didn't help that I fell asleep on the wrong side of the bed.  Point being, I wasn't in the best of moods at six o'clock this morning as I got up and began to get ready for church.  I was worn out, physically and spiritually, and really needed help.  I went to church seeking comfort and guidance so that I might fall asleep in the right place tonight.  I didn't get it.  No teacher read a scripture that seemed to speak straight to me.  No speaker gave a message that helped solve my problems.  No comments were even made that lead me to feel like God knows how I feel and inspired them to say that just for me to remind me He loves me.  Nothing...

But here is the secret- it doesn't matter.

I did not go to church today with some subconscious ultimatum.  I hadn't declared, "I'm here seeking the help I think I need and if I don't get it then I'm giving up."  I wasn't there looking for proof, thinking that if Heavenly Father didn't solve my small problem of where I get up in the morning then the whole of it wasn't true.  That was NOT what I did.

The reason I went to church this morning is because I love God.  The reason I sit in a car for an hour, going down windy mountain roads, is my love for my Heavenly Father.  Through my love for Him, He is able to strengthen me and help me see how to solve the little problems on my own.  Attending church does bring blessings, but that is not the reason I go.  I'm not showing up to church expecting immediate payment in the form of blessings I think I need.  They will come in the Lord's way and time, and then I receive the blessings I actually need.  But the blessings aren't the reason, they are more like a positive side effect.

I went to church because I love Him.  And the best part is, He loves me.  I left carrying all the same problems with which I showed up.  I came home and took a nap, still on the wrong side of the bed.  However, I know that I did the right thing today and I am reminded that my problems really aren't that big (I mean, at least I haven't yet fallen off the bed).  And several hours after the fact, He helps me remember something I barely overheard. "The most important thing is your relationship with Heavenly Father."

"You don't have to find out you're dying to start living"

I think that statement basically sums up why I have been striving to become something better.  It's from a youtube video I saw recently- the story of a 17 year old who knew he was dying.  He made every day worth living.  Life wasn't always perfect, there were hard times and bad days, but that didn't take away from the chance to live and change....

I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with all this.  I just wanted to share this video with you.  I feel like it explains a little bit why I'm doing what I'm doing.  I'm not terminally ill; I don't anticipate dying anytime in the near future.  I believe, however, that I should be able to fall asleep every night feeling that the day was a good last day, even if it isn't my last day.

It's like the story of that little Scottish lady (brief pause for a google search), Mary Murray Murdoch.  She was a Mormon Pioneer in the 1850's, traveling from Scotland to America, and then joining a hand cart company to join other members of the church in Utah.  She passed away before reaching her destination, but her final words are recorded as being "Tell John (her son) I died with my face toward Zion."  Completing the trip wasn't the most important thing. What mattered was the daily effort made to get there, never turning back, never giving up.  That is the sort of person I want to be.  I want to face forward, upward, God-ward every day.  I hope to know every day that I'm further along that path, even if just a little, and that I'm still facing the right way.  I don't want to wait to find out I'm dying before I start trying to use every day to live a wonderful life and help others do the same.

Habits

So... it has been a while since I've posted anything.  I won't try to blame it on being busy- I haven't been.  I just seem to not be in the mood to blog during my many hours of free time. As my last blog explained, I've moved to an itty bitty town in Middle-of-Nowhere, New Mexico.  I'm suffering withdrawals from my friends and the loneliness seems to not lead to blogging. Odd.

I've come to the conclusion that in my twelve weeks of almost-solitude I will have a lot of "me" time.  I'm going to use this time to really apply myself to my goal of becoming a better person every day.  One of the ways I hope to develop myself this summer is developing uplifting habits that will make each day of life better.  One a week for 12 weeks, or sometimes two because one is really easy. Of course- I'm already in Week 3, so I should report on what I've done so far...

Week 1- This week had two goals because one was super easy.  Throughout my mission and for a good while before that, I was very diligent at taking a multi-vitamin every day.  Somehow, my multi-vitamins got lost in my bathroom drawer while at school and I haven't taken them since I returned home a year ago. My first goal was to begin taking these on a daily basis.  I keep them on a table right next to the bathroom- I figure I walk past there enough times a day to see it at least once and remember. I've done a really good job with this habit.

My other habit for Week 1 is work-induced.  I'm a night time person, this is why I intend to do night time astronomy. My summer research position is at a solar observatory.  Work starts not long after sunrise and, if the sky is clear all day, ends about an hour before sunset.  This has created the need to return to another habit I haven't had since my mission- an early bedtime.  I'm actually really impressed with how well I've been doing with this one.  I get in bed at 10, and I get up at 6...kinda (my alarm goes off at 6, and I don't stay in bed too long after that).  This is a wonderful habit which probably won't last a day after my internship ends, but it makes life easier while I'm here.

Week 2- Making my bed every morning.  The first week, I was far too tired at 6 a.m. to think long enough to make my bed.  Making my bed starts the day with the attitude that I will be clean and organized.  This attitude prevents dishes from piling up in the sink and my work place stays really neat.  I like this habit.

And Week 3- My goal this week is to get back into the habit of daily exercise.  You've heard me say a dozen times that I will start exercising, but I have a good excuse this time for why I stopped. Middle-of-Nowhere, NM happens to be at an elevation of 9000+ feet.  My body needed time to adjust to the lack of oxygen up here.  I let myself have two weeks to adjust and now I'm getting back to work. I went jogging today... I made it about 1/6th of a mile before I was way out of breath. But I pressed on! I alternated between walking and jogging and then came home and did a "Psych workout", one of those fancy workouts you find on pinterest with things to do based on commonly said phrases.  I'm feeling good and looking forward to tomorrow!

Small Towns

A few months ago, I babbled about how modern media has painted a guilty look on my face.  Today, I would like to rant about how modern media has given me paranoia.  haha- I love my life.

I grew up in a big city, nothing huge like New York, but a big city.  When I moved away to attend college, I moved to a much smaller city, but still a city.  Just counting the college kids, there are over 30 thousand plus people, not to mention all the people who actually live there.  I felt like it was really small because I didn't have a car and had to walk everywhere. Anywhere outside of my 30 minute walking radius basically didn't exist.  Throughout my life, the only time I ever saw small towns was either when we drove through them on road trips or when they were on my favorite TV shows.  Unfortunately for me, my favorite TV shows in high school where CSI and NCIS, so the small town was portrayed as having its first murder in several generations, the local cops are completely clueless as to how to deal with things, and the big city police come in to catch the bad guy.   Now, I think it's wonderful that there are places with such low crime rates, but that doesn't change the fact that the only time an episode ever centered on these small towns was when the crime of the decade occurred.

My current paranoia problem stems from the fact that I've recently moved to a "community" (it's not even big enough to be labeled a town, though it does have it's own zip code) for a summer internship.  There are approximately 80 full-time residents. The kind woman who picked me up at the shuttle station and dropped me off at my new home mentioned how few people ever lock there doors because there is nothing to worry about up here except for the bears, and they can't open the doors anyways.  There is a post office and a fire station, but crime is so rare that there aren't even have security guards in the office buildings.  I feel very blessed to be here during the day.  The trees are beautiful, the environment is peaceful, and everyone talks to me because they are surprised to see someone they don't know.  I feel slightly less blessed at night and I look out my windows into the pitch black night wondering what is out there because this is the point in CSI where the young girl suddenly realizes she isn't the only one in the house.  So, long before sunset, I lock and bolt the doors tight, because I've somehow convinced myself that if I don't I will be the victim in this poor communities first ever murder investigation.

PS: There is no need to worry about me (this is especially for you, Mom, I know you read this).  This was how I felt the first night I slept here, I'm not quite so paranoid now... but I still bolt the doors. hahaha

Colors

The past few weeks, I've been a little obsessed with the color throughout the world.  This is one reason I love Spring so much.  Not only does the coldness go away, but the nature bursts into laughter in the form of a million flowers.

I have always been a big fan of looking for those little things in life that make you smile.  Color is one of those things.  A bright green car, radiant flowers, sunlight through leaves, the sky, yellow rain boots, shiny tail-lights, and everything else colorful and alive just makes me want to smile.  These things pop into your eyesight, declaring "I'm not afraid to be seen, I'm not afraid of what I am."


I want to be a more colorful person. By this, I don't mean the style and color of clothing I wear, it's generally pretty colorful on it's own...unless it is one of my many black t-shirts that make some sort of astronomy joke.     I want to be colorful like a flower is colorful.  It's a matter of becoming something that isn't afraid to be seen. A flower knows what it is and is proud of it.  It opens up, admitting it is fragile and imperfect, yet not ashamed of this.

I am unique, bright, fragile, and most certainly imperfect.  I'm completely obsessed with stars and watches.  Sometimes, I'm afraid others might disapprove of my obsession or judge me on my imperfection.  But the world would be very dull if only the most perfect flowers bloomed.  So, as I prepare for a new move and a new job, this is what I shall strive to remember.  There is nothing wrong with being fragile.  I'm allowed to be a little obsessed.  I don't need to be afraid.

Without The Rope

My friends finally succeeded in getting me to watch The Dark Knight Rises.  It isn't like I've been avoiding watching it, life has just been busy and it wasn't a top priority.  However, since I will soon leave for my summer internship, we made a point of scheduling it in tonight and I didn't let anything else get in the way.  I'm glad I watched it, I enjoyed it more than The Dark Knight and totally called the ending! But this isn't meant to be a movie critic, rather the sharing of a life lesson rediscovered as I watched.  If you haven't seen it yet- let Reggie know and he will make you see it... oh- and spoiler alert.

After being defeated by Bane, Wayne is thrown into a prison built in a pit deep in the ground.  He, as well as many of the other prisoners, attempt to climb out of the pit along the concrete walls, a rope around their chest to catch them when they fail.  No prisoner has ever made it.  The only one to have succeeded was a child, born and raised in the pit. After several failed attempts, a prisoner explains to Wayne the reason for his failure- he does not fear death enough.  Only the fear of dying will give him enough strength to get out.  When Wayne asks how to make the climb, the response is, "As the child did.  Without the rope.  Then fear will find you again."  Climbing again, this time without the rope and far more intense background music, Wayne succeeds in escaping the pit and returns to save the day as Batman!

On to the life lesson!  It comes from an interesting combination of fear and hope.  I fear pain, rejection, disappointment- the results of "falling."  Yet I hope for joy, acceptance, and delight and because of this hope, I am willing to climb.  I know when I climb that I might fall, but I also know that I might fly.  If I lose hope then I will not climb.  If I have no fear then I will not take the climb seriously and will be more likely to fall. 

For example- the entire month of January was dedicated to filling out applications for REUs (Research Experience for Undergraduates) at several National Observatories.  I was ecstatic with the hope of earning one of these positions, but I also feared not getting the opportunity.  It was not a debilitating fear, I still had faith that whatever happened, it was meant to be, the fear did not prevent me from acting.  The fear pushed me to do my absolute best on those applications.  I'm pretty sure I drove roommates and friends nuts with asking them to read through dozens of revisions of the application essay.  I finally jumped- I turned in the application and waited for a month to learn if I was falling or flying.  As mentioned above, I leave soon for a job I'm beyond excited for.  If I had not feared being turned away, would my application have been nearly good enough to be considered?  

But this isn't the only application.  Each class I take is a chance to climb.  Every friendship formed is a leap of faith that these people will still like me when they realize I'm crazy.  We say we "fall in love" and it's so true.  We fall, afraid they might not love us back, afraid they might not even realize, afraid they might not care; but we jumped anyways, hoping...

Why do we do it?  According to Hitch- "Because that's what people do, they leap and hope... they can fly! Because otherwise we just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, "why...did I jump?" But here I am... falling. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly. That's you."

So climb, jump, go...without the rope.  Because only then will the fear be great enough to make you fly.  Only then do you feel the risk is worth it.  

Heavenly Father

I heard the argument recently that God is only an idea to provide comfort when life is hard.  It was argued that when life is good, no one needs or recognizes God in their life.  As soon as life gets difficult, however, people turn to God and attribute any solutions to Him.  Upon hearing this, I felt a strong desire to share who God is to me.

I believe God is the literal Father of all on earth.  He loves us with a perfect love just as most parents love their children.  I'm grateful to my loving earthly father, raising me as Heavenly Father would have him raise me so that I might better understand what God is like.  My dad is there when times are tough.  When things get too challenging and I've run out of options, I can turn to him and he will do his best to help me find a solution.

However, this is not the only time I talk to my father.  I call him when things are going great and I would just like advice on what classes to sign up for, or help editing an essay, or boys (yes, I talk about boys with my dad- I love my daddy).  Just because nothing is wrong doesn't mean my father can't help me.  He is also there for when things are going great.  I need merely dial his number to tell him that I got the research position I had applied for, to tell him about a great day at work, or even just to have someone listen to me as I share adventures of the day.  At these moments, I feel a deep gratitude towards him for inspiring in me a love of astronomy and a desire to work diligently for worthy goals.  I know it is because of the lessons from my father that I have achieved so much.  Lastly, even though he is far away, my father still wants to do what he can to make my life better.  He buys my food when they visit (or rather mom takes me shopping for food when they visit, but it's the same money).  He even bought me a printer last year.

My father has been an incredible example of what Heavenly Father is like.  God is there when times are tough, when things go wrong, when your heart hurts and your eyes leak and the world is so heavy you can hardly breathe.  He is there if we take the time to call him, through prayer.  Yet this is not the only time He is there for us.  If it is, that is our own fault.  Howard W. Hunter taught "If prayer is only a spasmodic cry at the time of crisis, then it is utterly selfish, and we come to think of God as a repairman or a service agency to help us only in our emergencies" (Hallowed Be Thy Name, 1977).  Heavenly Father is not just a repairman, he is our father.  He wants us to talk to him when we are seeking advice, he wants us to tell him of our success in life, and he appreciates our gratitude for him as we recognize how far we have come because of what he has taught us.

I've realized that I write most about the tough situations, the days when I'm given solutions and comfort.  I think this is because I feel those experiences will most help others.  But I want you to know, these moments are not the only moments when I see his hand in my life.  I see Him in the bright colors of spring, I hear Him in the laughter of friends, I feel Him as the missionaries I teach tell me that He loves me.

Wahoo!

Yes, I realize it has been quite a while since I've written.  Life gets busy sometimes- that's okay.  Between homework, finals, teaching, trying to still have a social life, I just haven't had the time to sit and write.  But here I am now, with a few spontaneties (that's spontaneous, turned into a noun and pluralized, spell-checker claims it isn't allowed, but I don't care) to share.

Spontaneity number 1 has already been stated- life gets busy and that's okay.  Being busy is actually really easy to handle as long as you remember what really matters.  Sometimes, regardless of how much homework and studying ought to be done, the most productive way to spend your time honestly is by playing with liquid nitrogen with your friends and roommates.  Nothing is ever so important that you can't pause and pray for a few minutes.  And nothing (besides prayer) is so important you can't laugh.  So bring on the busy- because that which is most important will still happen.

Spontaneity number 2- No matter how much you want to become better, no matter how hard you are trying to make each day a bit higher than the previous, life happens.  Life has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster the past few weeks.  I've had plenty of high moments, like liquid nitrogen, school ending, and making memories with friends.  But these moments have been so clear because of the trials in between them, like attending the funeral of the baby of a close friend and the emotional strain of learning of the explosions at the Boston Marathon only minutes after my dad crossed the finish line.  I suppose the epiphany here is that life is allowed to be a little bit less than "better" every now and then.  When I forget to continue flossing and slack on exercising and retreat into myself, it's okay.  I'm not doing any worse.  Getting out of bed and getting dressed and making the choice to face the day knowing it won't be easy is the bigger accomplishment.  I don't have to feel guilty for being so worn out that I decide to skip Spanish.  

Spontaneity number 3- I'm grateful for my trials, so very grateful.  The Lord tested me and pushed me and made life really difficult, but at the end of this I realized how strong my testimony of God's Plan of Salvation was.  This is what I wrote about on Easter.  I had no idea how soon I would need to rely again on that testimony.  I would never have imagined that just over a week later I would sit at a funeral, watching my friend stand in front of the tiny casket holding her first child.  But I know, as does this dear friend of mine, that God has a plan for our families.  If we follow his plan, we can be with our families for the rest of eternity.  I know this is true and I am grateful that Heavenly Father helped me to remember how true it is so that my knowledge was there when I needed it.  I'm grateful that Heavenly Father is there to strengthen us when we are too weak to go to Spanish class. 

Spontaneity number 4- the semester is over. I'm free! Also- this is officially my 150th post. Isn't that cool. That's all.

Finally April

 It is finally April! I'm so excited.  April is 3 days old and it has already been so much fun.  For starters, I would like to inform the world that I successfully completed the Lazy-Iron-Man.  Throughout the month of March, I swam 2.4 miles, biked 112, and ran 26.2.  I did it... and I got a free t-shirt out of it, as pictured.

I feel very accomplished and much healthier.  I can make it all the way across the pool once without stopping and about half the way back. (If I have fins on I can make it back and forth twice).  I can also bike about 16 miles in an hour on a stationary bike while reading a book.  I have no idea if I've lost weight, I didn't check it before and I don't know what it is now.  I do feel, however, that I am more toned than I was before.  I have had to start using my belt more often... and my swimsuit feels to big, which worries me when I'm swimming fast.  It just always feels like it will slide off my shoulders, but that might just be a result of the swimsuit being really old.  I'll have to get a new one for when I take this class again next semester.  My goal for next semester is to complete the 500 (10 laps) without fins.

Well, that was the end of March.  April started off great! My roommate and I woke up super early to pull April Fools day jokes on friends in the apartment complex.  My favorite was filling up someones care with newspaper.  We also switched out a guys entire wardrobe with girls clothes.  Of course, these two individuals have both declared revenge.  This should make the rest of April pretty exciting.

Life is about laughter and I am so grateful that I have friends who allow such laughter, even mischievous April Fool's Day laughter.

Easter

What is Easter to you?

This year, Easter come rather unexpectedly, especially compared to the past two years.  When I was a missionary, I studied and thought and taught about Christ and his Atonement every day.  Easter was a moment when the rest of the country began discussing the same message we had been sharing so long.  These were special days, days that helped me to recognize Easter and the Resurrection of Christ in deeper way.  If you would like to read those thoughts when I had them, check out the posts Happy Easter April 2011 and Easter April 2012

However, as deep as my understanding of Easter became on my mission, the past few weeks have made Easter personal.  I have known for a long time that Jesus was crucified for us.  He suffered the pain of all sins, trials, heartaches, illnesses... everything.  He died for us and, on Easter Sunday, he overcame death, never to suffer it again.  Because of his sacrifice, we can find help and comfort as we suffer here on earth.  We can be forgiven of sins.  We too can be resurrected, overcoming death and receiving perfected and glorified bodies. This I've always know.

Just over a week ago, my youngest brother had another surgery.  He was born with a clubbed foot, for which he has had many surgeries and has been able to overcome his handicap and do great things.  But his foot began to hurt him again.  This time, there seemed to be no surgery to resolve the pain.  So my youngest brother, braver than I think I could ever have been at that age, made the choice to have his foot amputated.  This was the purpose of his most recent surgery.

Being away at school, spending most days waiting for a phone call, waiting for updates, having little knowledge of what was going on, made this a surprisingly difficult experience.  For these trails, Christ suffered.  Over two-thousand years ago, Christ experienced my fear that something might go wrong and I wouldn't be there to help.  He felt my mother's anxiety as doctors disagreed on the best methods and procedures.  He suffered my brother's pain for this past year as well as the pain he feels now as a result of the surgery.  And in addition to all this, Christ lives, and because he lives, we shall too. My brother shall rise again after this life with glorified and perfected body.  His small, scarred foot shall not be restored to him.  He will be whole, no more pain, no more scars, only two perfect feet.

I have always known and long understood the meaning of Easter.  Now I feel it.

See Something Else

Striving to live and be better has lead me to an unexpected epiphany.  In order to know that I've changed, I need to change what I see when I look at myself.  Who and what I become doesn't matter much if I still insist on seeing the awkward middle-school-er, or the shy high-school-er, or the invisible college freshman.  I need to let myself see reality, not just for all my flaws, but for everything good in me too.

This epiphany was even more unexpected in how it came to me.  Most often, thoughts come to me as thoughts- you know, words and such, when I'm intentionally thinking about it and trying to find a solution.  This thought came to me as a song.  It started when a friend taught me a new chord on the guitar, for which my mind supplied words and a melody.  Those words remained stuck in my head till they were properly placed in the song to which they belonged.  So, I kinda wrote a song, but I feel more like the song just pestered me till I "discovered" it completely.  With much urging from roommates, I agreed to play my song at the ward talent show last night.  I almost backed out about a dozen times, then I decided I would just play a different song, then I realized that I hadn't been practicing anything else because this one song wouldn't leave me alone.  I was told I wasn't allowed to back out because my name was on the program, and so...

I finally titled it "See Something Else."  I'm not sure how much I like the title, I might change it.  It is a song of self-confidence.  It is the lies that I told myself for so long and the reality I'm finally starting to see.  It is a little bit of me.  So- I guess I'll let you listen to it now. Oh- and you can ignore the first 30 seconds or so, it's just me blabbering about what I've already told you much more eloquently in this post:

Upon request, the lyrics.
Note: anywhere they don't match, it's because I got nervous and forgot my own words- below is what I meant to sing.

You call me pretty, you call me brave,
and you don't know why I don't think the same
but when I stand next to you, I feel so invisible.
We crowd round the mirror to get ready for the day
you have perfect hair and make up and ... mine's okay
oh what would I give, to look differently
what would I pay, to be someone else for a day.

Cuz I want to be more than just, a lonely girl in a rocking chair
I want to see something else besides freckles and frizzy hair.


You call me pretty, you call me brave,
I still can't believe you even know my name
cuz I tell myself, everyday, I'm invisible.
I look in the mirror, see a flower on the wall
You see a girl, slender and tall
oh what would I give, to see what you see
what would I pay, to borrow your eyes for a day.

Cuz I want to be more than just, a lonely girl in a rocking chair
I want to see something else besides freckles and frizzy hair.
But these lies that I tell myself, will tear me apart
So it's time to let reality back into my heart.

So when you call me pretty, like that one girl from Brave
I still might just laugh cuz you don't know her name
but I'll start to admit, I just might be beautiful
When I look in the mirror, I'll see a smile and blue eyes
and a girl no longer chained by her self-constructed lies
I gave them away and now I can see
You don't have to pay, to love yourself every day

And I know I am so much more than a girl in a rocking chair
I am freckles and stars, a red guitar, and matching hair.

Analogy to Roller Skating

To begin, March is half over! Half way through March means I should be half way through my Lazy- Iron-Man, and I am...mostly.  I've completed 44/79 laps of swimming (better than half!), 60/112 miles biking (also better than half), and 13/26 miles of running (exactly half).  I've improved somewhat athletically.  I ran 3 miles today and then biked 14 miles, and I'm not even too terribly sore, though I felt it when I climbed the stairs up to my astronomy class again this week.

Now- on to an entertaining analogy.  This is merely another piece of evidence that I have far too much time on my hands to think.  I have determined that, sometimes, life is a lot like roller skating.  At least, it's a lot like roller skating as a little kid.  I remember (admittedly vaguely) the first time my family went to a skating rink.  I had been rollerblading up and down the street, but the asphalt rode has quite a different coefficient of friction than the smooth skating rink.  Skating in a rink, I discovered I could go quite a bit faster than I normally could up and down my street.  I also discovered that it is possible to go too fast.  "Too fast" for a little kid meant I reached that speed where I realized I had lost control.  If I tried to stop, I crashed because I stopped too fast.  Slowing down was a difficult option because I had already lost control.  My only hope was to keep going as long as possible, hopefully regaining some control as my momentum decreased and maybe getting close enough to the side to grab onto the wall and stop myself.

What does this have to do with life?  Sometimes, life gets to the point where you realize that you are going too fast.  There is too much to do, too much to think about, too much to live up to.  You lose control and can't slow down.  If you tried to stop you would only crash... and that might be worse.  That's usually what I do...I crash, I give up, I stop existing for a few days until I feel fully recovered from all the bruises I've acquired, and then I get up and skate again.

Today was a realization that I was going too fast.  By 10 am I was ready to fall apart and enter a self-induced-social-comatose for the weekend.  For the first time, I discovered there is another option.  I can briefly let go of everything that is pulling me forward faster than I can manage.  I can forget that which doesn't matter.  I can go to the gym for far too long and exercise till I'm sore and stop worrying about the homework assignment I didn't complete and the class I already missed.  It has come and gone and left me without injury, so why fall on the ground now?  This was one of those moments were I got to think about what really matters, and that doesn't include grades and test scores.  I got control and I'm still skating.

Finally Spring

For those who know me well, you know that I am not a winter person.  I do not like cold! Winter lasts too long, the wind bits at your face, it makes your eyes water, your nose runs, snow gets in your shoes and then your socks are wet.  I enjoy snow and skiing and such, but I prefer winter to be something I visit for a weekend and then go back more tolerable temperatures.

But it's March! (just in case you hadn't noticed yet).  When I woke up yesterday and came into the kitchen for breakfast, I realized the birds were singing again.  Pausing, listening for several minutes, craving that noise I haven't heard for months, I felt so blessed just to be there in that moment.  It was a wonderful way to begin another week of school.

Today began a little differently.  By the time I got up, there was too much movement both in and out of the house to hear the birds.  When my alarm first went off at 8, I decided my 9 am class was not enticing enough to draw me out of bed.  I turned off my alarm and slept till nearly 10:30.  No opportunity to hear the birds, but an equally wonderful way to start a school day.

And I still remembered to floss, I'm so proud of myself.

Promises

I am incredibly impressed with my ability to keep promises to myself.  I decided to begin flossing and promised myself I would do it.  I then stayed up till 2 am.  I got in my pj, brushed my teeth, remembered my promise, and wanted sooooo bad to just go to bed.  I didn't though- I actually flossed first.  Then the next night I was up till 1, and I did the same.  I remembered twice in a row, and despite the late hour, I flossed both times.  I can keep promises, even when they are just with myself.  It's strange, but I feel I can trust myself a lot more now.  That's all

A Little Sore

Fact of life: 5 exams in 1 week removes opportunities for blogging.  I'll be taking my 6th exam for the week in about an hour, but felt my brain needed the opportunity to recover and am therefore NOT studying anymore...ever...at least till Monday.

For a review of the week.  I've gotten surprisingly consistent in my Listerine usage.  I think I'm going to push myself one step further in dental hygiene and re-develop the habit of flossing.  Yes! It is written and therefore decided, I shall start tonight.

For my Lazy-Iron-Man, I have swum 20 laps (out of 79), biked 37 miles (out of 112) and run/quickly walked 4 miles (out of 26.2).  For this reason, I'm a little sore.  I didn't realize I was a little sore until about 20 minutes ago when I decided to take the stairs up to the fourth floor of the science building.  Basically, half way between the 2nd and 3rd floor, my legs began loudly protesting.  But stairs are good for you- so I pushed myself the rest of the way and am now greatly enjoying the opportunity to sit.

Lastly, I learned something wonderful yesterday.  I once heard the expression, "If you want to make God laugh, show him your life plans."  This quote never seemed quite accurate to me.  Heavenly Father wants us to set goals, make plans, and strive to become better.  While at work, the missionaries did an activity in which they planned out the upcoming week and made goals for where they want to be.  I recalled the phrase, "A goal not written down is merely a wish."  We were not born to merely wish.  We were made to achieve, and achievement comes through goals and plans.  Now, our plans do not always match God's plans for us, and his are generally better.  We might not always achieve what we expected.  Yet as we demonstrate our desire to become better, our ability to see the direction God desires for us to go will increase.  I'm not saying God doesn't laugh, anyone watching my life probably would, but I don't believe he laughs at our good intentions to change.  He tells us that our plans are wonderful, and then allows us to see his.