Tunnel Vision - Part 2

The metaphorical epiphany continues.

For those needing background information, read part 1 by clicking HERE.

In part 1 of this metaphor, I mention a period of time in which I lost the light which I relied upon to traverse the caves of life.  In my frustration and pain, I sat down, shut my eyes, and gave up for a little while.

There were (and still are) wonderful people in my life who approached me as I sat there with my eyes closed tight against the trials which I didn't want to see. They offered help, they offered comfort, and they offered to walk with me for a time and let me see with their candles.  But I didn't yet have the will to move or the strength to open my eyes. I still believed that if I kept them closed long enough, I would realize it was just a nightmare and wake up and the pain would be gone.  And so these wonderful people, understandably frustrated with my non-responsiveness, said "Call me", "Let me know if you ever need to talk", and "I'm here for you", and then walked on.

Now - in case I haven't been clear enough - these people are wonderful people who I am eternally grateful for. These offers came from close friends, dear family, and even casual acquaintances who desired to help someone that they saw was suffering. They did what they could to help.

Weeks later - I finally opened my eyes. My Savior had been sitting with me and he helped me to get up and move again, but looking around, I knew the light of my friends' candles had long faded into the distance. I could no longer remember who had told me to call them when I needed help and part of me felt that, having once turned down their offer, I no longer deserved the help I had been offered. When something as simple as a Friday night alone faced me like an insurmountable climb, I believed it was my punishment for having turned down help when it was offered.

But some of those wonderful people understood my grief. They didn't say "Call me" and walk away. They instead picked me up and took me swimsuit shopping on July 4th so that I wouldn't spend the holiday alone. They texted me and told me they needed my help to make a cake or clean their kitchen or just drive while they confided in me their own pain. They did not wait for me to call them. They came back and found me in the dark and walked with me. They let me share their candles and eventually helped me to re-light mine.

I again walk by the light of my own candle. The darkness and jagged terrain of deep grief have passed me. But they taught me something about grief that I hope to never forget.

Sometimes, the hardest part of grief is a few weeks after the initial wound.  Sometimes, the hardest part is when you accept the events as real life instead of a nightmare and you get up and try to walk again.  You have not forfeited help because it was offered before you needed it, but I know how hard it is to admit that you still need it. I hope I always remember that, so that I can return and walk with you.

#18 Glitter

In light of being home for the holidays - I've allowed myself to enjoy the day-to-day miracles and the people that I am spending them with instead of writing them all down. But I will try to get to a few. This one is from earlier this month, but I had to wait for the awesome picture before posting it.

Technically, the miracle isn't the glitter itself. The miracle is working at a place with fancy enough parties that you can justify wearing a ton of glitter. The miracle is having a friend who will apply all the glitter for you since you never bothered to figure out this whole 'make-up' thing. The miracle is that the glitter stayed on for the whole evening but still came off my eyelids that night with a good washing. A slight consequence of the miracle was that it took another week to get it all out of my hair.

#17 Oh Christmas Tree

Although I am trying to see the miracles every day, sometimes I miss them. Sometimes I miss them because I'm just not paying enough attention, and other times I miss them because I haven't seen the full effect of the miracle. The event occurred on one day, but the real miracle was the long-term influence of the event in my life.

Earlier this week, I helped a friend pick out and decorate a Christmas tree.  I've never had a real tree before, so I welcomed the new adventure. The evening passed quickly as we wrapped the tree in lights and dug ornaments out of dusty boxes. An evening which may otherwise have been spent crocheting and watching Netflix was instead filled by creating memories. I went to sleep that night unaware of the miracle I had just been given.

As the week continued, busy with work and preparing to visit family, I found my thoughts clearer than expected (especially considering I had stayed up way too late and definitely did not get enough sleep). I no longer felt stressed with everything that needed to be done before the holidays. The gloom which normally approaches with the cold weather and the long nights had abated. 

My heart became light and looking back on the week, I noticed that the turning point came when picking out a tree and taking time to smell the pine, laughing at the trail of needles, and enjoying a cup of hot cocoa. 

Setting up my own tree brought the Christmas spirit into my heart, but I hadn't realized that I had lost it. So God gave me the chance to set up another, a miracle to bring the Christmas spirit back. And wonderful new memories along with it.

#16 Two free tickets to see Rogue One tomorrow night.

'Nuff said.

Ok - not quite enough said - Thanks Michael!!!!!

#13 - 15 Retreat

This past weekend was one huge miracle bundled around a dozen smaller ones. I figured I could justifiably count it as 3 since there were three days and each had a distinct miracle.


On Friday - my friends and I drove up into the mountains to chill and hangout at a fancy cabin/condo thing for our girls retreat. As we began this adventure...I began to feel a little weary. My friends were using this weekend retreat as a chance to take a break from husbands, kids, households. What was I retreating from? The three dirty dishes I left in the sink? But I quickly discovered that, even though I have no children and can't discuss parenting techniques, I can still be there to listen to my friends when they need to talk things through.  Anyways - that wasn't Friday's miracle, just a brief side-story.


Friday's miracle was that we made it to our destination. As we drove up the mountain, the roads became icy and slick. We drove with caution, keeping slow enough that we were in no physical danger, but sometimes, we hit a patch of ice and listened to the tires spin without getting us anywhere. As the rode became steeper and icier, thoughts of a need to call it quits and turn around began to form. Somehow, the tires found traction and we finally reached our retreat destination.


Saturday was snowy. Despite crazy conversations and nail painting and hair braiding and the blizzard outside, there was a calm sense of peace.  I could look out the windows and watch the snow swirl while remaining warm inside with good food and great company. I might not have had anything to retreat from, but I discovered what I was retreating too, and was rejuvenated by the peace which surrounded me.


Sunday's miracle was that it stopped snowing. Everything was covered. But we had shovels and snow plows and nice people who did the shoveling and snowplowing for us.  The cars emerged from the snow and we came down the mountains on clear, dry roads. Sometimes, the miracles make the journey, other times, they are the journey itself.


PS - I reached miracle #15 before the 1 month mark, not too bad.

#12 Lost and Found

The last week or so, I have developed the bad habit of coming home, checking the mail, and throwing the pile of newly received mail in one of several locations. Today's miracle reminded me that God cares about us, even when we are letting ourselves develop these types of bad habits.

As usual, I got home, checked the mail, dropped it somewhere...about an hour later, I remembered that one item of mail was a bill I needed to pay and should probably do so now before forgetting.

Remembering that I had this bill to pay also reminded me that over the last week or so, I have received a few bills I needed to pay. A subtle sense of panic set in - I had no idea where these bills ended up.

I wandered around my house picking up every pile of mail I could find, sorted it all out on the table, and by some miracle, found all of them (or at least all that I can remember...I really hope it's all of them). I couldn't find anything else that came with the bill - no newsletters or advertising or even the envelop they provide to send your bill back in. But each bill was there.

So - as miserable as paying bills might be, it is a miracle when you find them all and can pay them before the overdue date (and then set up auto-pay, which is a greatly appreciated miracle)

#11 Awake and Alert

Today, I felt very awake and alert. I feel this way most days, so why is this particular instance a miracle?

Last night - I didn't sleep well. I went to bed on time, but just couldn't seem to get to sleep. I tried falling asleep to NCIS, which normally helps me fall asleep pretty quick. But when I made it through 2 episodes, I made myself turn it off and go to sleep...except I didn't sleep. As soon as NCIS was off, my brain was on. Running through things I had to do this week and things I didn't do this weekend and one of those annoy Christmas songs was stuck in my head, the kind where they just repeat the same 6 words over and over.  I tried laying on my back, I tried rolling over on my stomach, I tried counting sheep. Nothing was working.

Around 1 AM I gave up and turned NCIS back on.  It worked this time, I only got through half an episode or so before I was asleep. But it wasn't very restful sleep. I tossed and turned. I kicked all the covers off then woke up freezing and had to find them and put them back on (and turn off NCIS which was 2 episodes past where I had fallen asleep by this point). Then I fell back asleep and had the oddest dream where I had to elope in order to save the world from hyper-intelligent two-headed snakes. My minds comes up with the most bizarre dreams; that isn't even the strangest. I woke up from that with the dreaded wide-awake-I-must-have-slept-through-my-alarm sensation, only to realize it was 5 AM. I somehow managed to fall back asleep because the two-headed snakes were back and trying to get on the pirate ship before we could set sail. Then my alarm went off at 6.

I got out of bed, gave myself an F for "Ability to Sleep," and got ready for work certain that today would be as miserable as the night was...but hopefully without the snakes...or the eloping. My miracle today was that I was dead wrong (about the miserable day, I was right about the lack of snakes and eloping).  I wasn't tired. I wasn't exhausted. I was just fine.  And sometimes, being just fine is all you can ask for.

#10 I'm single for Christmas

Well...I guess the fact that I'm single isn't really a miracle...the miracle is rather realizing the blessings that come from being single for Christmas.  It's been tough for me to notice...

Some would claim that you no longer have to stress about what to get them - but I really enjoy thinking of and getting gifts for those I love.

So, you may be asking, "What is the blessing?"  For the last 3 Christmases, I have been in a relationship (different relationship each Christmas...). As Christmas break approached, the vacation always felt bitter sweet.  I was excited to see family, but not excited about a week or two without the guy I loved.  Conversations leading up to the break involved how often we would call and when we would both get back from separate vacations and be able to see each other again. I was excited for the vacation, but more excited to get back from it.

This year, I have no one that I'm leaving behind. The world is filled with snow and Christmas songs. I set up my tree - picking out all the ornaments myself.  I've got nearly all my gifts picked out.  And I am SO excited to go home for Christmas and see the people who love me.  Though I may not have the specific type of relationship I want, I still have so many people who love me.  I have found myself more in the Christmas Spirit than I have felt for years.

...that is, except when All I Want for Christmas is You comes on. I hate that song...

#9 I understand a little French

And when I say a little, I mean the tiniest amount. I took two years of French, back in 8th and 9th grade. I feel old admitting it - but that was almost half my lifetime ago.  On a standard day, I can remember the basics - bonjour, merci, and the random and mostly useless pomme de terre (potato).

I am currently working on a special training project for my job. I created 7 training videos and am now in the process of recreating them in French. Basically - I was provided with the audio recording of the script and I am synchronizing it with the video.  I was not selected to do this job because of my extensive knowledge of French. I made the English videos, so I am making the French ones too.

But today, I experienced a miracle. I can understand the French script. Not entirely, but enough that it actually isn't difficult to edit the video.

Admittedly, part of it is luck with the words in the video. There are enough non-translated words (like email) and enough cognates (graph translates to graphic) that I can tell when certain phrases are said when comparing it to the English script. But luck is also a miracle in it's own way. I could have used different words when writing the original script. I could have said line-chart instead of graph.

And that's another part of it - I wrote the original script, so I know what it is supposed to say.

But it's more than luck and familiarity. Long forgotten knowledge is being brought to memory. I am so grateful for this miracle which is making my job much easier.