Easter

What is Easter to you?

This year, Easter come rather unexpectedly, especially compared to the past two years.  When I was a missionary, I studied and thought and taught about Christ and his Atonement every day.  Easter was a moment when the rest of the country began discussing the same message we had been sharing so long.  These were special days, days that helped me to recognize Easter and the Resurrection of Christ in deeper way.  If you would like to read those thoughts when I had them, check out the posts Happy Easter April 2011 and Easter April 2012

However, as deep as my understanding of Easter became on my mission, the past few weeks have made Easter personal.  I have known for a long time that Jesus was crucified for us.  He suffered the pain of all sins, trials, heartaches, illnesses... everything.  He died for us and, on Easter Sunday, he overcame death, never to suffer it again.  Because of his sacrifice, we can find help and comfort as we suffer here on earth.  We can be forgiven of sins.  We too can be resurrected, overcoming death and receiving perfected and glorified bodies. This I've always know.

Just over a week ago, my youngest brother had another surgery.  He was born with a clubbed foot, for which he has had many surgeries and has been able to overcome his handicap and do great things.  But his foot began to hurt him again.  This time, there seemed to be no surgery to resolve the pain.  So my youngest brother, braver than I think I could ever have been at that age, made the choice to have his foot amputated.  This was the purpose of his most recent surgery.

Being away at school, spending most days waiting for a phone call, waiting for updates, having little knowledge of what was going on, made this a surprisingly difficult experience.  For these trails, Christ suffered.  Over two-thousand years ago, Christ experienced my fear that something might go wrong and I wouldn't be there to help.  He felt my mother's anxiety as doctors disagreed on the best methods and procedures.  He suffered my brother's pain for this past year as well as the pain he feels now as a result of the surgery.  And in addition to all this, Christ lives, and because he lives, we shall too. My brother shall rise again after this life with glorified and perfected body.  His small, scarred foot shall not be restored to him.  He will be whole, no more pain, no more scars, only two perfect feet.

I have always known and long understood the meaning of Easter.  Now I feel it.

See Something Else

Striving to live and be better has lead me to an unexpected epiphany.  In order to know that I've changed, I need to change what I see when I look at myself.  Who and what I become doesn't matter much if I still insist on seeing the awkward middle-school-er, or the shy high-school-er, or the invisible college freshman.  I need to let myself see reality, not just for all my flaws, but for everything good in me too.

This epiphany was even more unexpected in how it came to me.  Most often, thoughts come to me as thoughts- you know, words and such, when I'm intentionally thinking about it and trying to find a solution.  This thought came to me as a song.  It started when a friend taught me a new chord on the guitar, for which my mind supplied words and a melody.  Those words remained stuck in my head till they were properly placed in the song to which they belonged.  So, I kinda wrote a song, but I feel more like the song just pestered me till I "discovered" it completely.  With much urging from roommates, I agreed to play my song at the ward talent show last night.  I almost backed out about a dozen times, then I decided I would just play a different song, then I realized that I hadn't been practicing anything else because this one song wouldn't leave me alone.  I was told I wasn't allowed to back out because my name was on the program, and so...

I finally titled it "See Something Else."  I'm not sure how much I like the title, I might change it.  It is a song of self-confidence.  It is the lies that I told myself for so long and the reality I'm finally starting to see.  It is a little bit of me.  So- I guess I'll let you listen to it now. Oh- and you can ignore the first 30 seconds or so, it's just me blabbering about what I've already told you much more eloquently in this post:

Upon request, the lyrics.
Note: anywhere they don't match, it's because I got nervous and forgot my own words- below is what I meant to sing.

You call me pretty, you call me brave,
and you don't know why I don't think the same
but when I stand next to you, I feel so invisible.
We crowd round the mirror to get ready for the day
you have perfect hair and make up and ... mine's okay
oh what would I give, to look differently
what would I pay, to be someone else for a day.

Cuz I want to be more than just, a lonely girl in a rocking chair
I want to see something else besides freckles and frizzy hair.


You call me pretty, you call me brave,
I still can't believe you even know my name
cuz I tell myself, everyday, I'm invisible.
I look in the mirror, see a flower on the wall
You see a girl, slender and tall
oh what would I give, to see what you see
what would I pay, to borrow your eyes for a day.

Cuz I want to be more than just, a lonely girl in a rocking chair
I want to see something else besides freckles and frizzy hair.
But these lies that I tell myself, will tear me apart
So it's time to let reality back into my heart.

So when you call me pretty, like that one girl from Brave
I still might just laugh cuz you don't know her name
but I'll start to admit, I just might be beautiful
When I look in the mirror, I'll see a smile and blue eyes
and a girl no longer chained by her self-constructed lies
I gave them away and now I can see
You don't have to pay, to love yourself every day

And I know I am so much more than a girl in a rocking chair
I am freckles and stars, a red guitar, and matching hair.

Analogy to Roller Skating

To begin, March is half over! Half way through March means I should be half way through my Lazy- Iron-Man, and I am...mostly.  I've completed 44/79 laps of swimming (better than half!), 60/112 miles biking (also better than half), and 13/26 miles of running (exactly half).  I've improved somewhat athletically.  I ran 3 miles today and then biked 14 miles, and I'm not even too terribly sore, though I felt it when I climbed the stairs up to my astronomy class again this week.

Now- on to an entertaining analogy.  This is merely another piece of evidence that I have far too much time on my hands to think.  I have determined that, sometimes, life is a lot like roller skating.  At least, it's a lot like roller skating as a little kid.  I remember (admittedly vaguely) the first time my family went to a skating rink.  I had been rollerblading up and down the street, but the asphalt rode has quite a different coefficient of friction than the smooth skating rink.  Skating in a rink, I discovered I could go quite a bit faster than I normally could up and down my street.  I also discovered that it is possible to go too fast.  "Too fast" for a little kid meant I reached that speed where I realized I had lost control.  If I tried to stop, I crashed because I stopped too fast.  Slowing down was a difficult option because I had already lost control.  My only hope was to keep going as long as possible, hopefully regaining some control as my momentum decreased and maybe getting close enough to the side to grab onto the wall and stop myself.

What does this have to do with life?  Sometimes, life gets to the point where you realize that you are going too fast.  There is too much to do, too much to think about, too much to live up to.  You lose control and can't slow down.  If you tried to stop you would only crash... and that might be worse.  That's usually what I do...I crash, I give up, I stop existing for a few days until I feel fully recovered from all the bruises I've acquired, and then I get up and skate again.

Today was a realization that I was going too fast.  By 10 am I was ready to fall apart and enter a self-induced-social-comatose for the weekend.  For the first time, I discovered there is another option.  I can briefly let go of everything that is pulling me forward faster than I can manage.  I can forget that which doesn't matter.  I can go to the gym for far too long and exercise till I'm sore and stop worrying about the homework assignment I didn't complete and the class I already missed.  It has come and gone and left me without injury, so why fall on the ground now?  This was one of those moments were I got to think about what really matters, and that doesn't include grades and test scores.  I got control and I'm still skating.

Finally Spring

For those who know me well, you know that I am not a winter person.  I do not like cold! Winter lasts too long, the wind bits at your face, it makes your eyes water, your nose runs, snow gets in your shoes and then your socks are wet.  I enjoy snow and skiing and such, but I prefer winter to be something I visit for a weekend and then go back more tolerable temperatures.

But it's March! (just in case you hadn't noticed yet).  When I woke up yesterday and came into the kitchen for breakfast, I realized the birds were singing again.  Pausing, listening for several minutes, craving that noise I haven't heard for months, I felt so blessed just to be there in that moment.  It was a wonderful way to begin another week of school.

Today began a little differently.  By the time I got up, there was too much movement both in and out of the house to hear the birds.  When my alarm first went off at 8, I decided my 9 am class was not enticing enough to draw me out of bed.  I turned off my alarm and slept till nearly 10:30.  No opportunity to hear the birds, but an equally wonderful way to start a school day.

And I still remembered to floss, I'm so proud of myself.

Promises

I am incredibly impressed with my ability to keep promises to myself.  I decided to begin flossing and promised myself I would do it.  I then stayed up till 2 am.  I got in my pj, brushed my teeth, remembered my promise, and wanted sooooo bad to just go to bed.  I didn't though- I actually flossed first.  Then the next night I was up till 1, and I did the same.  I remembered twice in a row, and despite the late hour, I flossed both times.  I can keep promises, even when they are just with myself.  It's strange, but I feel I can trust myself a lot more now.  That's all

A Little Sore

Fact of life: 5 exams in 1 week removes opportunities for blogging.  I'll be taking my 6th exam for the week in about an hour, but felt my brain needed the opportunity to recover and am therefore NOT studying anymore...ever...at least till Monday.

For a review of the week.  I've gotten surprisingly consistent in my Listerine usage.  I think I'm going to push myself one step further in dental hygiene and re-develop the habit of flossing.  Yes! It is written and therefore decided, I shall start tonight.

For my Lazy-Iron-Man, I have swum 20 laps (out of 79), biked 37 miles (out of 112) and run/quickly walked 4 miles (out of 26.2).  For this reason, I'm a little sore.  I didn't realize I was a little sore until about 20 minutes ago when I decided to take the stairs up to the fourth floor of the science building.  Basically, half way between the 2nd and 3rd floor, my legs began loudly protesting.  But stairs are good for you- so I pushed myself the rest of the way and am now greatly enjoying the opportunity to sit.

Lastly, I learned something wonderful yesterday.  I once heard the expression, "If you want to make God laugh, show him your life plans."  This quote never seemed quite accurate to me.  Heavenly Father wants us to set goals, make plans, and strive to become better.  While at work, the missionaries did an activity in which they planned out the upcoming week and made goals for where they want to be.  I recalled the phrase, "A goal not written down is merely a wish."  We were not born to merely wish.  We were made to achieve, and achievement comes through goals and plans.  Now, our plans do not always match God's plans for us, and his are generally better.  We might not always achieve what we expected.  Yet as we demonstrate our desire to become better, our ability to see the direction God desires for us to go will increase.  I'm not saying God doesn't laugh, anyone watching my life probably would, but I don't believe he laughs at our good intentions to change.  He tells us that our plans are wonderful, and then allows us to see his.

A Most Marvelous March

March has begun and it couldn't be better.  It's been a little crazy and busy, but splendid.  In the past two and a half days (since we are only at noon of March 3rd) I have been offered a research position at a national observatory, received an incredible movie in the mail (and watched said movie with a good friend), had two productive days of work, and prepared dinner for 100+ people in an hour with the assistance of the best committee in the world. Life has been good, and it will keep getting better.

For the month of March, I've committed myself to regular exercise. I have done this by signing up for the school's "Lazy Iron Man." An Iron Man is 2.4 miles swimming, 112 miles biking, and 26.2 miles running.  A Lazy Iron Man is taking those same distances and completing them in a month's time.  I have a grid with little boxes for each of those miles and have so far checked off 8 miles on the bike and 1 running.  Hopefully, this activity provides a kick start for regular exercise throughout the rest of the spring and summer. 

As with my attempt to whiten my teeth, the best way to know how much this made life better is to figure out where I am now and compare that to where I am in a month.   I'm not concerned about weight because I'm not over weight, losing weight isn't something people should be worried about.  I just want to be in shape.  Current shape: I can run approximately 2/5th of a mile before I feel like I can't breath anymore and have to walk.  I usually wear a size 10 in dress sizes and though I don't anticipate losing weight, I do hope that getting in shape helps me to be more toned and possibly drop a dress size.  So- Let's see where I am come April!