Photos from the Zoo

 

Swedish Adventures: Day 1

Admittedly, today's adventures were not very Swedish. But the vacation has officially begun! I flew out to California last night so that I might first spend a weekend with my brother and his family in their new home.

My flight arrived around 12:30 last night. My brother picked me up and brought me to their house and I headed off to sleep pretty soon after. I then woke up just before 8 because the sun was up and my nephew was awake so why stay asleep.

The morning began with the grand tour of the house and breakfast. Next, we played around with my brother's virtual reality headset.  This was followed by a long walk trying to shake off the lingering motion sickness.

The afternoon was spent at the zoo.  We had so much fun. My nephew is getting Old enough to notice and find interest in the animals.  My favorite was the fruit bats in which he repeatedly waved and said "hi", waiting for a response. (He didn't do this with any other animal- just the bats). Just outside the zoo is a park designed to look like animals: elephant slide, turtle to climb, etc.  It's a rare opportunity to take a picture of you nephew crawling in a hippos mouth. Pictures to come- as soon as I can figure out how to do so from my phone...

Bipolar

To my knowledge, I am not actually bipolar.  But I once had a friend who was and, based on his description, this past week has given me the tiniest taste of what it might be like.

I decided last week that I'm going to Sweden.  I have friends who currently live there and invite me out to visit every time we talk.  It was time to take them up on the offer and get out of town for a bit.  The idea bounced around in my head for a week or two when a sudden, firm decision was made on Friday.  By that evening, I had flights picked out.  By the following Tuesday, I got the needed dates off work and had tickets.  My first flight is in less than two weeks.  A little spur of the moment, but I am soooooooo excited.

My days are interspersed with euphoria as the trip is planned.  After booking the flights, I was too giddy to even sit down for nearly an hour.  Friends ask me if I'm doing anything fun this summer and energy pours out of me as I explain the road trip to Kiruna to see the sun at midnight and the drive along the coast of Norway as we take the long way home.

In addition to going to Sweden, my family came out to visit last week.  Many of them were unable to cancel plane tickets intended for a wedding, so we had a sudo-family reunion.  The week was filled with zip-lining, caves, soap making, and way too much ice-cream.

But all the energy, all the joy and euphoria, couldn't make me forget what was supposed to happen this week but didn't.  I'd ride the waves when they came and then crash into a rocky coast line as I remembered that I could have been on my honeymoon instead of writing this.  I might have been at my reception instead of in an escape room.  I oscillate between the moment and the 'could-have-been'.  Honestly, I feel a little torn apart by the extremes.

I know God blessed me with reasons to be happy this week because He knew the sorrow that could not be avoided.  I am grateful for it...most of the time.  But I also empathize with River, from the TV show Firefly, as she describes her recovery to her brother: "The sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears.  I ate the bits, the bits that stay down and I work.  I function like I'm a girl.  I hate it because I know it'll go away! The sun grows dark and chaos has come again.  It's...fluids.  What am I?"

That question comes back to haunt me.  What am I?  Sometimes I know and the knowledge is so firm and I feel so strong and I believe I'm recovering.  Then the knowledge fades like the sun behind clouds.  I lose my footing and the scars reopen.  I wish I saw the sun as often as I pretend I do.

But I'm going to Sweden! And I'll be able to see the sun all night long.

I am...

As mentioned several weeks ago, I recently lost everything that I once thought I was.  My self-image was suddenly filled with the phrase "I am not".

I am not his fiance.
I am not getting married.
I am not hungry.
I am not able to sleep.
I am not wanted...

For a short time, I let the "I am not's" define me.

In Avengers: Age of Ultron, a new android-like hero named Vision is created.  As the other Avengers question him, Vision responds, "I am not Ultron. I am not Jarvis.  I am...I am."

For a brief period of time, Vision was also defined by what he was not.  Then, he learned a lesson that I am still trying to wrap my head around.  When all you know is what you are not, be content with knowing simply that you are.  Don't worry about 'what' you are, just know that you are.  You exist, you are not anything else and nothing else is you.  And that's pretty cool.

I am and I get to decide what I am, so here are a few things that I have decided I am (or will become, where applicable).


I am healthy.  Presently, I am probably malnourished and definitely sleep deprived, but these are temporary states, and I am going to overcome them.  However, I am not in the hospital, I am not terminally ill, and though I am sad, I am not clinically depressed.  I am healthy.  I am grateful for my health and will begin working harder to maintain my health.

I am a runner.  I began running infrequently a few months ago and have discovered that running helps me process stress and refocus on what matters most.  I haven't run in a few weeks now, figured this was a smart choice in light of being malnourished and sleep deprived, but it is time to start again.  I am motivating myself by running the "Freedom Run" 10K on July 4th and signing up for a half-marathon probably sometime in October (haven't decided which yet).  I'd love to have some running buddies if you are interested in joining me for either.

I am artistic.  I totally can't draw or paint or anything, but I love to color, cross-stitch, sew, and make cards.  I can create beautiful things.

I am musical.  This is a hobby which I have let slip the past year, but I really love music.  This is another way which I can create something beautiful - just not a visual sort of beauty.

I am a writer.  Writing is one way I stay mentally healthy, so I am going to make sure to dedicate more time to it.  I can take the world around me and make it beautiful through writing.  I learn how to see things differently when I write.  Often times, I sit down to write on my blog and I'm crying and overemotional and miserable, but as I string together words, I calm down and remember what I am.

I am an astronomer - 'nuff said.

And finally - I am a daughter of God.  No one can take this truth from me.  I am loved by Him, even on the days I feel forgotten.  He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to complete the atonement and gain perfect empathy for me.  He cannot and will not forget me.

Dreams

For a week now I have waited to wake up from this nightmare.  As I begin moving from what would have been our apartment, as I go day after day without seeing him, the fact that this is my reality is finally sinking in.

This fact makes the previous 9 months of my life feel like a dream.  Now - instead of wishing I could wake up, I wish I could fall back asleep and just keep dreaming.  Like Cobb and Mal in Inception, just fall asleep and make the world into exactly what I want.

I went through today in a haze.  Inefficient sleep and insufficient meals are finally catching up with me (my two stress-habits which really only make a stressful situation worse).  I often found myself, having just finished up a task, staring numbly at an imaginary Mirror of Erised, thinking of what my life would have been like today if I had never woken up from my dream.

However, while staring into the Mirror of Erised, one must recall Dumbledore's warning: "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."  I am forgetting how to live and sometimes...I don't want to remember.  But the dream is over and I need to learn to live again because a bright and beautiful reality await me.  

Hard days

So - I may have said that I don't like writing depressing posts, but there may be several over the next few weeks.  Writing is therapeutic for me.  I have to get the thoughts out or they just circle around in my head driving me mad.

Today was a hard day.  I had to fill out paperwork to sell the contract for the apartment he and I were supposed to live in together.  I got a call informing me that my dress arrived and I needed to come in for a fitting.  And I spent my first day back home - in the place filled with memories which now cause only heartache.

However, today was, in a strange way, really good.  I was reminded, both today and throughout the weekend, that I am still surrounded by people who love me.  In 24 hours, my previous post was read more times than anything I have ever posted.  Sure - it was just over 200, nothing viral...but that means over 200 people love me enough to read it - and many even took the time to respond.

My coworkers took care of me today.  It was just those little things like saying hi and chatting with me, and inviting me over after work so I wouldn't be home alone in an apartment filled with shattered hope.  Those little things are the most important; they boost me, even if just enough to make it through the next hour until someone else comes and does the same.

Today was a hard day, but it helped me see just how blessed I am.

While I entered the beginning of what will probably be several hard days, Sheryl Sandberg was giving a speech at the Commencement ceremony at UC Berkeley specifically about making it through the hard days - the days that determine who you are (something which I am still deciding and promise I will post as soon as I have an idea).

For those of you who also are having a hard time, or know someone who is, please watch or share this video.  And feel free to share my posts.  Perhaps they will be as therapeutic to read as they are to write.

Who am I?

I have done a terrible job of keeping my blog up-to-date.  Life was just so wonderful, I never wanted to stop experiencing it to record it...but now the "wonderful" is over.  I have no record of it.  Admittedly, I'd rather forget it all right now, but I'm sure some day I will wish I had taken the time to record what was wonderful back when it was wonderful.

My fiance recently called off our wedding.  It was supposed to occur just over a month from now.  One day, my whole life was planned. Ok - not my whole life, but a lot of it.  I had a substantial number of short, mid, and long-term goals and they made sense and I was excited to work towards them with my best friend.  But then that day was gone - and with it my best friend, my wedding, and every single goal.

I am left hollow.

Who am I?

Life plans were shattered so completely that I have lost all desire to plan.  And I'm not just talking about long term plans.  I don't care about what I'm going to eat for dinner.  I don't want to think about what I'm going to do this weekend.  I decided to visit my parents so that I wouldn't have to make any plans, but they keep asking me when I'm 'planning' on going home.  I haven't planned that yet either.

But ...Of course - there has to be a 'but' in here - I don't like writing strictly depressing posts.

After attempting to avoid thinking about the emptiness I have felt, I realized something incredible.  I am left hollow.  Everything that I thought I was has been ripped from me.  Obviously, I would have preferred a less painful method than 'ripped from me', but now my slate is clean.  I can choose with what I refill myself.  I can let go of those things which I didn't like because they are already gone.  They can be replaced by all those things I always wished I was but for which I never the found space.  Deep down, I still contain my core: rainbows, astronomy, a sure knowledge that I am a child of God. These things will never change.  I can surround that core with something new.

I can decide.

Who am I?

I'll let you know soon.