You Didn't Win

One of my favorite 'break-up' songs is ABBA's "The Winner Takes it All." If you haven't heard it before - take the time to listen before continuing to read.

It's my favorite for several reasons:

• It is an ABBA song, which is one of very few bands who I can recognize almost all of the songs of.
• I can belt it at the top of my lungs and feel strong and powerful despite being heartbroken.
• I feel like it does a good job of describing how I feel when I'm heartbroken. I played all my cards, I did the best I could, I followed the rules, and somehow I lost everything. You made me feel safe, you promised me the future, but you took it all with you and left me with nothing.

That being said - today, this song is wrong. Because you didn't win.

You and I played a game. A game that I thought was one of those collaborative games, you know - players against the board where we are trying to win together. I thought we were winning...until you revealed the real game.  I never figured out how I was supposed to win, you never explained it to me. But you made it clear how you were trying to win...

...you wanted me to hate you.

We made promises, but you broke them.

We created plans, and then you ripped them to shreds.

You left me stranded to clean up the mess.

You claimed you'd earn my trust again.

You made promises again but didn't even bother to remember what they were.

You lied and kept secrets.

You needed to make me hate you....

...so that you could feel justified in hating yourself.

And it was working for a while.  I was so mad.  Not so much at the lies and broken promises, but because you were gone and you weren't supposed to be. I finally reached level 25 in Pokemon Go and I got a Snorlax, but you weren't there to celebrate with me. I watched the Flash and figured out why Joe's last name matters and had to imagine your reaction. I saw Dr. Strange and didn't have you to discuss it with for hours afterwards.

BUT YOU DIDN'T WIN!

I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you anymore.  I just feel bad because you have missed out on so much.  I have had a blast and even if I wish you were there to share in it with all my heart, why should I hate you when my life is awesome and you aren't here for it.  You didn't take it all.  In time, you won't have taken anything from me.  I have everything I need right now, and someday - I will have it all back.

I still miss you every now and then. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently so that you would have been a part of all those memories. But I'm done playing your game. I'm not going to let you win. Go ahead, hate yourself. I am not going to give you excuses or justifications.

I don't hate you.

You didn't win.