1 am

It's 12:50.
I am too awake to fall asleep, but my roommates have gone to bed, no one to talk to.
I search for something more interesting than lying awake in bed.
And so I blog about my thoughts, the unusual conglomeration that occurs near midnight.

It's 12:54.
I finally found the pencil I lost 3 hours ago. It is being used to hold my hair in a bun.
It took me till now to realize that I forgot to eat dinner, I think this is the second time this week.
My blog has exactly 4400 page views, cool, no?

It's 12:58.
Isn't it strange, how I still say "no?" instead of "right?"
and "take care" instead of "good bye"
remnants of a language I spoke daily for over 2 years.

It's 1 am.
We are learning about poetry in my creative writing class.
Images and words float through my head like clouds, changing as they move.
And here I was, thinking I thought too much before. I think I think a great deal more now.
Another poem takes form in my mind.

It's 1:03.
And I find time in the silence to reflect on the past week.
It has been an incredible week. Nothing bad has happened! Nothing at all.
I was able to wear my favorite shirt yesterday and all my homework is done...almost.
I have 120% in one of my classes, if that isn't a confidence booster, I don't know what is.

It's 1:05.
With nothing else to do, I pause and remember,
Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.
Because I can still find peace, somewhere near midnight.

Washing a Cat

I decided to take a creative writing class this semester to hone my writing skills.  For class each week, we are to select quotes from the two books we are reading and respond to them.  My teacher thought this particular thought was a great metaphor, so I figured I'd share it with you too.

 “Telling the truth in an interesting way turns out to be about as easy and pleasurable as bathing a cat” 
            –Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott

I have never bathed a cat, but I gather that it is not the most enjoyable of activities.  This nugget of truth helps me to understand my own writing process.  I have stories that mix themselves inside my head, long novels, but I avoid them.  Why? Because as fun as washing a cat is, I’ve never found myself with a burning desire to wash a cat for an hour every day.  So I don’t write novels, even though they sometimes tease me and beg to be expounded upon.  This is why I write blogs instead.  I wait for a kind cat to slink up to me, to play around my legs and work its way between my hands so that I will pet it.  I then grab it, shove it in the water, get as much out of it as I can, and let it go.  This results in short, sporadic blog posts and everyone thinks I’m incredible.  They don’t see that I’m taking the easy way out.  I think it’s time to try to actually wash the cat.  

Lost in My Head

I've become lost, somewhere inside myself, somewhere in my head.  While wandering amidst the curves and crevices of my mind, between plans for the day, a half-written poem, calculus, and concern for a friend, I slowed down just enough for my secret to catch up to me- I don't know why I'm wandering.

I don't know why I'm wandering. Was I looking for something or running from something?  Is there a thought I'm trying desperately to remember, or a memory I'm striving diligently to forget?  Did a plan fall through and I just haven't readjusted yet, or has a goal been reached and I'm still rolling on the momentum? Regardless...

Due to my discovery, I've ceased strolling through trees of memory or checking on recently planted seedlings of hope and have instead sat in the shade of uncertainty while watching the clouds billow till they block out the sky.  I'm lost, not because I don't know where I am (though I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure) but because I'm suddenly unsure of where I was going?

As I seek input from the world outside my skin, I see your desire to help me.  I recognize that you are outside of the maze in which I've wrapped myself.  You can see the turn I'm missing, you can lead me to the end! And I yearn to rely on you to save me.  Then I realize, though you can see what I might be missing, you don't know what I'm missing. And I can't tell you, for I'm not quite sure.  So I step back inside my skin... feeling alone...right beside you.

Childish instinct blames you for not helping, at least until reason steps in and explains, leaving me internally conflicted and no less lost.  I begin to despair.  And finally, I recall the Rock that never moves but can always be found.  Seeking peace, I turn to my Father in prayer.  He knows why I was wandering, but more importantly, He knows where I ought to be.  And He has promised to help me get there.

Now, I need only get up and out of the shade...

14 for 14

Well, time for the generic "New Year's" post.  I decided to switch it up a bit this year.  I have my typical resolutions, but most of them are personal goals so there is no need to post them for the whole world to see.  However, here is one goal I would like to share, 14 activities for 2014.  Some of these I've done before and would just love to do again, some of them are new.  Point is, here are my plans to keep 2014 interesting and exciting.  Let's see if I can finish it all before another new year rolls around. 

1. Drive somewhere new. (and then come home and shamelessly take pictures like a tourist)
2. Read the Libro ni Mormon (Hiligaynon).
3. Finish an entire coloring book.
4. Buy myself flowers. (and leave a note as if it's from a secret admirer just for the fun of it)
5. Find a four-leaf clover.
6. Write a new song.
7. Go snowboarding.
8. Do something on my bucket list. (This one might be hard since 90% of my bucket list requires going to another country) 
9. Build a sandcastle.
10. Go cloud-watching.
11. Jump in a pile of leaves.
12. Have a sunrise picnic after staying up all night. (And while I'm at it, go on a midnight walk and wish on a shooting star)
13. Climb a tree. 
14. Make a cake from scratch.

And to make things more amusing, I'll try to blog about whatever activities I actually get around to.

Farewell...

Dear 2013,
We have come a long way together and shared so many memories.  It's true, I'll admit that I hated you sometimes, but every tough time was worth it in the end.  In this single, short year, we became better friends than I could have possibly expected.

Looking back, I'm reminded that, although the journey was not always easy, it was never more difficult than I could handle.  You helped me experience so many miracles.  There was adventure, excitement, and magic every step of the way.  But of course, that wasn't all.  Now that I've seen and experienced it all, I'm grateful for it.  What I have gained was worth any pain or fear that I experienced.  The adventures we faced helped me discover what was inside of me and taught me to hope again.  Thank you, for helping me to see it as well as you.

We are now going our separate ways, but I am not afraid.  What you  taught me will help me to continue.  This friendship lasted a long time, and because of it, I have become a better person, one who can look back with gratitude for the time we've had together.  I must now press forward without you.  As wonderful as our friendship was, the future is too wonderful to give up by trying to cling to the past.

Farewell, my old friend.

The Pearl of Great Price

I've done it! I've finished reading the entire standard works.  The very last book in The LDS standard works is called the Pearl of Great Price.  This is a collection of books from various sources and for various purposes.  See the introduction for an explanation as to where everything came from.

As before, I'd like to share a few of my favorite verses.  All three come from the Book of Moses, the first and longest book in the Pearl of Great Price.

Moses 1:13
In the chapter preceding this verse, Moses speaks face to face with God.  Heavenly Father shows him his many creations and teaches Moses that he is His son.  When Heavenly Father's presence leaves, Satan approaches Moses and tries to convince Moses to worship him instead.  This is what happens:
"And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who are thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?"
Moses has learned, with a certainty, that he is a son of God.  This knowledge is all he needs.  As we are faced with the temptations of this world, we can recall that we are children of God.  This world holds no glory for us compared to the glory that we have been promised as his children.

Moses 6:31
This has long been one of my favorite verses, I find it easy to relate to.  In this chapter, God calls Enoch to be a prophet.  He's generally considered to be a pretty incredible prophet, as he teaches an entire city and they become righteous to the point that the whole city is taken up into heaven.  Amazing, no?  I always felt that I could never be that great, this verse reminds me that Enoch probably felt the same way. God tells Enoch that he has been called as a prophet...
"And when Enoch had heard these words, he bowed himself to the earth, before the Lord, and spake before the Lord, saying: Why is it that I have found favor in thy sight, and am but a lad, and all the people hate me; for I am slow of speech; wherefore am I thy servant?"
I am not the only one who has ever thought "why me" and although I may feel little and unimportant, like Enoch, God might have great things in store for me.  If I just in Him and answer when He calls, I will become as great as he needs me to be

Moses 7:32-33 (but really more like verses 21-40)
Long after Enoch begins teaching the people and many repent and choose to follow the teaching of the Gospel, he has another opportunity to speak with God.  Here, God reveals to him that the people he teaches will become so righteous they go straight to Heaven.  Heavenly Father also shows Enoch what will happen after this, how the world will become so wicked that only one righteous family will remain- Noah and his family- and that He would have to flood the whole world to destroy the wickedness.  Enoch turns to God and sees Him crying and asks "How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?" (vs 29).  God responds:
"Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency; And unto they brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood"
Heavenly Father cries because His children do not love each other.  He had to destroy His own creations, His own children, so that more children would not be brought into a world which could only teach hatred and cruelty.  God weeps for us because of how deep His love for us is.

So- I managed to finish everything, 2476 pages worth of scripture.  Time to start again.

The Doctrine and Covenants

Yesterday, I finished reading The Doctrine and Covenants and figured I should report on it as I've done with the other books of scripture I have finished reading this year.  This is the second-to-last entry about my goal to read the scriptures before the end of the year.  Fortunately for me, the only book I have left to finish is The Pearl of Great Price, which is only 61 pages long. I think I can handle 61 pages in the next 7 days.

For those of you unfamiliar with this book of scripture:  As a latter-day saint, I believe Joseph Smith was given an ancient record and, through the power of God, translated that record into scripture.  This record is published as The Book of Mormon.  Along with the power of translation, Joseph Smith was set apart as a seer and revelator.  During his life time, he received many revelations, instruction for both himself and the Church. These have been compiled and published as The Doctrine and Covenants.

So- some passages that stuck out to me, either because they are long time favorites or because I noticed them particularly during this read through.

D&C 6:33-34  Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if you are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail.

I love the way Christ speaks to us in this verse.  He calls us his sons and his little flock.  He acknowledges the feelings we have of being small and inadequate, and He doesn't tell us that those feelings are wrong.  He isn't saying "Go- be big, be brave."  He tells us instead that, despite our smallness, we need not fear. We can do good and stand against big things because we stand on His side.  Christ has infinite strength and love for us, and infinity plus anything (no matter how small) is still infinite.

D&C 34: 2-3 (describing Christ) The light and the life of the world, a light which shineth in darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not; Who so loved the world that he gave his own life, that as many as would believe might become the sons of God.

This passage is another reminder of Christ's love for us, as well as a promise of what we can receive.  As we believe, we have the opportunity to become- it is our chance to change because of the sacrifice Christ made for us.  And what happens if we let that sacrifice change us? What do we become? We become the sons of God.  We are all already His children, but to become "the sons of God" means that we have accepted him and begun to change to become like him. We have chosen to grow up to be like our Father.

D&C 76: 22-24 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father -- That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God.

I know that this passage is true.  Joseph, and the other men called of God to help him restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth, had the opportunity to see Christ.  He lives.  This is important to remember.  It is true that Christ died for us and for our sins, but He was also resurrected, meaning that He lives.  And through Him, we might live again too.  That moment was so pivotal.  He rose from the dead, testifying to all that he really is the Son of God and that he really had the power to take upon himself all of our sins and pains and sufferings.  He lives, so his sacrifice is complete, that we might become whole through him.